[The things I've learned... I hope you learn from them too]
So. This is a bunch of random thoughts.... all conjumbled into one post. (is that a real word?) I would like to have named this post Outback. And for the longest time, it WAS outback. But, I actually wanted people to read this, while skimming through their feeds. (which looking at the title, now that I think about this, would make a great blog post... I'll do that later tonight. :D)
Today, I had to go to court. That, in and of itself, was an interesting experience. That filled my bucket list. It was cool. I took the morning off to go. My mom was ridiculous, and I was late... and I remember thinking to myself, "Self, this is not going to matter in 12 hours time...." and I let it go.
One of the things I've notice... especially with me accidentally coming across information pertaining to a certain someone who means alot to me. *cough **cory**cough* I flush inside, and feel very upset.. and my first instinct is to do something about it. And I feel like the loneliest person ever. The pain is immense. It hurts. I feel like everything is dead. Its a bad feeling to have. Especially the clenching stomach and the flushing heat. One of the reasons I wrote this post was because I realized this. That later... even sometimes a few minutes later... I'm fine. If there's anything I can do to assist myself with getting to that equilibrium state, I.e. think about things that make me happy, I'll do it.. even if it means running next door.
At this point, if someone makes me mad, I'll let the anger do its thing, and then let it go. Its like this very good quote from Lost. In the pilot, Kate is exploring and meets Jack for the first time who is a doctor. He needs to stitch up his shoulder that was ripped open during the crash on the island. He had to convince her to sew him up. Then, while she was working on it, this conversation took place:
Through out the rest of the show, during a moment of great fear, both Kate and Jack will count to 5, and you know what their alluding to. I will let the anger do what its meant to, and then continue with life. Its one of the things I've learned from this trial.
**note to my readers** I am far over cory in the sense that i love him... I mean, I love him, but not like that. He became a close friend, but I wouldn't marry him, and probably wouldn't take him back if he ever came back. I just miss my close friend, and still feel betrayal and anger at his name for abandoning me. Not so much anymore, as I'm so close to forgiving him.
Which leads me into my next topic... dreams. (this still has nothing to do with Outback, but, readers, this will be come clear in time.)
** RANDOM SIDE NOTE... ** Just because I want to... So, we have an open position here on my team. And Josh was interviewing people, and I was talking to Brandon.
Laura: I hope they hire a cute, young, single guy...
Brandon: There is a huge floor of cute young single guys over in sales.
Laura: But I've walked over there.. none of them ever give me a second look.
...
Laura: Actually, come to think of it, ... the cute single guy sitting next to me (Justin) hasn't given me a second look either.... I'm doomed.
Brandon: /facepalm.
It was his reaction that made my afternoon... it was great!
ok.. back to dreams.
****************************************************
I am so close to forgiving him and letting him go. I have made the conscious decision to forgive him, and let him go, and I wait for the day where I can see his picture and go.. oh.. that's cool, I remember him. Not.. oh.. ouch, that hurts, this was a bad idea. I don't know why I haven't been able to just let it go.. once you make the decision, it should... go.. right? Anyways, I remember someone telling me, right after I received "the answer" that Satan was going to mess with my head... badly. And he's doing so now. I'll have dreams like, being the daughter of a fairy, or saving the world from an alien mothership, (that one was cool) and Cory will always make an appearance in them. Not sure why. And then I'll have dreams about him. Where, there was one, where he was around the corner, and I ran and put frosting on his nose, and he asked why I did that, and I hugged him and said.. "because you're my friend." Every day this week, I have seen him, or a symbol of him in my head while I live in another world, while asleep. I.DON'T.KNOW.WHY. Anyways. There's a counter balance. Danny is usually in the dreams where Cory makes an express appearance. The dreams that would normally have me wake up all frustrated. Danny is somehow in there. Chris occasionally makes an appearance. The thing, is Danny never has a big part in the dream.. (except the one where I was marrying brady, and Danny was trying to get me to rob a bank with him) He was there for support. I remember many times where he has said "its ok" in them.
I NEVER dream about friends. Ever. Not even the squad. I don't usually dream about Cory either. Even while we were dating. I rarely have dreams about people I'm with on a usual basis. They're usually made up characters, or people I haven't seen in a while. So, the fact that Danny is in them is weird enough. Someone analyze this dream thing for me, (without using the whole, 'you're destined to be together' phrase please. That's definitely not happening.)
*EDIT at 4 am* I just had another one. Cory had a major point in this dream. And yet again, there was Danny, as a counterbalance. The odd thing about this dream, is there was a presence of the spirit when I woke... something about blogging? or.. something else.
This leads me into the last topic, ( maybe ) of this post. Outback.
Today, as I said, I was in court this morning.. ( no more warrant! Hooray) For the last little while, Danny's car has been out of commission due to a leak in his coolant system. Now its out of commission because of his transmission... (which, its funny, his D4 light is blinking, and I found out today that it blinks in a pattern. His car is actually telling him what's wrong based on the number of times it blinks in succession... ok) Anyways, he's been asking for rides up to BYU... (which i'm extremely happy to provide... I love having conversations with him...:P) and since I was home today around 11, I texted him telling him I could give him a ride if he needed it. He needed to go talk to Kayla, at noon. And.. somehow, it didn't seem like a good idea if I was dropping him off... (another girl involved? bad idea.) So, the idea was presented, that he drop me off at work, and then takes my car to talk to her. So, Danny and I get in the car, and we discuss things we like in our future spouses. As we rounded by Torrey's house, I saw an outback. A Subaru outback. Cory drives an outback now. I've only seen it once, and if I remember correctly, its a cream colored one. But, yet, somehow, I'm hyper aware of all the outbacks. I see the car and notice how common it is, and hyperventilate if I ever see a cream colored one. I said out loud..
"outback"
I desperately wanted to discuss why i was hyper aware. I don't want to be anymore.. its a constant reminder of something I don't want to be reminded about anymore. And somehow.. I thought Danny could fix it. Not sure why I thought that. But I said it out loud. Danny said What? and I proceeded to explain that i didn't like the fact that the car reminded me of things I didn't want to be reminded about. That I wanted to look at the car, and not even recognize that it was that car. He sat silently, and as we rounded a corner, I saw another one, and to make a joke out of what I just said, I said out loud:
"outback"
"outback"
Except, this time, echoing in my ears, was Danny's voice saying the same thing. We looked at each other and grinned. He didn't say anything concerning what I had just explained, and the topic was changed. Which was ok with me, I felt weird enough saying it in the first place.. (I look utterly obsessed with Cory when I say something like that.. which is not the case at all, I'm trying to forget. I don't WANT to think about him or be reminded. )
As we rounded the next corner, another outback was seen pulling out of a parking lot, and I said again:
"outback"
And Danny, in mid-sentence, said:
"outback"
At the same time. It was funny.. and I started to laugh.
Well, he dropped me off at work. I went to lunch with a bunch of the girls here... (I went to Thai Drift, and one of the girl's family owns the place. I get discounts because I work at Attask... All this time, the guy who served me when I went with Symantec, was Anna's husband. ) 40 minutes into lunch, Danny sent a text telling me he was done, and I told him to come eat with me. He showed up, we talked a little, he ate, ( i practically had to force feed him.. dumb boy) and then we left. I took him home before work, so I could get my car back. On the way home, I noticed the outback, but didn't say anything, but Danny said "Outback" and then mentioned that he had seen 6 or 7 on his way to see Kayla. And I proclaimed that it was a common car.. so he should be able to see why I was having such a problem. It was EVERYWHERE! But as we passed more and more.. it became a game, rather than a hassle, as I saw them. Even on my way to lunch with the girls, i saw one, and smiled, rather than frowned.
After dropping Danny off, I drove back to work, and saw another one, and for sheer joy of it, I sent a text to him saying "outback." It wasn't even a Cory thing anymore. It was a thing between Danny and I. Kayla, is such a lucky, lucky girl.
He didn't even DO anything... call it inspiration, or call it desperation, he fixed what I needed fixed. While its not ALL the way fixed, its healed a little. A gap in my heart has a bridge built over it today, so I can step over it, instead of fall into it. Its not a fill, in any way shape or form, but, still its better than it was before.
* Danny pulling away from work*
Laura: * via text * Thank you.
Danny: For what?
Laura: For being you.
Danny: oh... you're welcome?
Laura: Someday I'll explain it to you.
Heres part of the explanation above...
here's the rest.
Before, this morning, the day was mediocre. When he dropped me off at work... my day... was really good. Not just because he helped fix the ONE thing I've been trying to fix for weeks, but, I feel better about myself when I'm around him. Yes, my self confidence flies out the window when he's around.. (that happens with anyone.. I always ask myself, "Do they really view me as a friend? or.. how do they really feel about me?" Sometimes it would help if the people I care about, say specifically "You are my friend. A close one. I care alot about you, and your comings and goings" But.. I can't specifically walk up to people and say.. "tell me I'm your friend." Ha.) But I had more energy, and things.. felt lighter. I'm not sure how else to describe it. Someday, I will have someone who has the same effect on me that Danny has. This is not a.. I go weak in the knees kind of reaction.. (though sometimes that does happen.) but more of a.. somehow.. someone cares about me.. and I recognize this in a way that goes deeper. I mean, yes... Del Ray cares, and Jillian cares and Kristen cares about my wellbeing.. but having someone so close with a connection that seems unbreakable.
Ok.. Tangenting here.
"having someone so close with a connection that seems unbreakable" I have this book I'm writing. The main character's name is Nikalaren Galaedras. He is an alien, who is telepathic.. or can be. He and the main character, me... cause I can't bring myself to make the character someone other than myself, are the love interest. (they originally weren't supposed to be... he was just supposed to be her best friend, the love interest was originally the dark and brooding leader of an empire... (and this idea was looooong before I met cory...) ) Anyway. They had this connection, where they were in each other's head, and knew what each other were thinking. I imagined it, but never had it. Most people date for the sake of dating someone. Having someone there just to be there.. or take care of you. Someone who, yes, is attractive, and helps out with the physical fun-ness that comes with dating. But very rarely will you come across someone who shares a connection with you. Someone who cares as much about you as you do about them. Someone you KNOW will be there. someone you KNOW cares about what you're thinking. Who will see an expression flit across your face, and want to know why, or will see the bare hint of a smile, and want to know if they caused it. Someone who, when seeing your face, KNOWS that everything, no matter what, will be ok.
When I was dating Cory, (and I use Cory as an example, cause he's been the ONLY one with whom I've ever been in love) I dreamed of it. I wanted it. I wanted a connection such as if as if I was telepathic. I wanted to be able to look at someone and SEE... think of the quote from Avatar, "I see you". Not, I see you physically, I see into you.
Cory never talked about his feelings, or why he felt the way he did. I never knew if he was happy or sad or irritated. And when I guessed, I was usually wrong.
When I hang out with Danny... (and I don't mean this to be taken in any way other than face value) I touch on a glimmer that its possible. When Cory and I broke up, i was told, "Oh, Heavenly Father has someone much better in mind for you. Someone you can't even imagine." and I, at the time, through tears, and sobs of "If i can't have cory, I don't want anyone else, I'll never be in a relationship again" thought. "What is better than what I just had?" and I am shown, through a connection I feel through Danny, what IS better. (I have no idea if he feels a connection with me at all.. I'm just stating how i feel) Concerning Danny, I'm starting to feel like he's a person that I can share my deepest and darkest secrets to. That he doesn't judge, and he'll help me grow. To learn. To progress. Danny is someone who takes what I say, experiences, joys, sorrows, and doesn't just skim over them when I tell him, he processes them, and learns from them... Compared to other people, who i feel just are there to listen, but don't take from anything I say.
I'd like to say Chris is in there, but Chris, while he cares about me, (at least I think he does) he doesn't connect with things I say. He doesn't get it.. (it doesn't help that he's pushing me away either...) I still hang out with Chris lots more than Danny... but, i feel closer to danny.
Anyways.. back to my tangent. If i could find someone... the person, who i am to spend the rest of eternity with, I want to have the connection that I feel forming with Danny. I like having someone I feel is like that... (whether he feels the same way, or is actually connecting with me is another story... My delusions of Grandeur are showing me things that I want in my future spouse... and that's all that matters. This is why I talk about him alot. I've never had someone who... understands? Or seems like they understand? Deeper sense of purpose appear in all things where he's concerned. Its probably all in my head. (No, we're not dating... nor are we ever..) In all seriousness, I'm probably just some other girl who is in his life that he thinks is here for a short period of time and will leave later on. I mean, you as the reader have seen the change in my posts. The length, the analyzations that are made, the thoughts I post about. The things I think make life great. They're not emo anymore. And even, if you look at the posts from the pre-cory period, they weren't all that great either.
Some of them stand out... like, Parting, rants like this, and this. Deep thoughts like You never know, fun stories like Water Attack, or My roommate getting lost, But I posted 5 posts during 2008, and just about everything in 2009 was me whining about Cory.
But the posts, and the amount of posting has gone up... drastically since December. I feel this need to write. And the stuff I write about, are thought up/experienced while hanging out with this boy. I have lots of experiences.. Lots of adventures, and the other then mentioning the experience existed, there's nothing else to write about. Its why I take quotes down rather than whole experiences. It brings back the experiences... Though, I did start this blog to attempt to start documenting experiences... if only to show my kids that I really was a teen and youngster once.... But now I'm starting to see these posts as the "smaller plates of laura" and then the other stuff on facebook, and twitter can be the epic wars shown in the book of mormon.
Ok going back, because I feel the need to MAKE ABSOLUTELY SURE that no one thinks there's any obsession here... The things I feel worth posting and considering, are things that seem to always happen while this boy is around. The.END. That's it. There is nothing else there.. and there probably never will be. I'm just lucky to have found him.
Dang it.
ok. ending post.
*edit - this post is 4 pages long... I'm so proud of myself.
Today, I had to go to court. That, in and of itself, was an interesting experience. That filled my bucket list. It was cool. I took the morning off to go. My mom was ridiculous, and I was late... and I remember thinking to myself, "Self, this is not going to matter in 12 hours time...." and I let it go.
One of the things I've notice... especially with me accidentally coming across information pertaining to a certain someone who means alot to me. *cough **cory**cough* I flush inside, and feel very upset.. and my first instinct is to do something about it. And I feel like the loneliest person ever. The pain is immense. It hurts. I feel like everything is dead. Its a bad feeling to have. Especially the clenching stomach and the flushing heat. One of the reasons I wrote this post was because I realized this. That later... even sometimes a few minutes later... I'm fine. If there's anything I can do to assist myself with getting to that equilibrium state, I.e. think about things that make me happy, I'll do it.. even if it means running next door.
At this point, if someone makes me mad, I'll let the anger do its thing, and then let it go. Its like this very good quote from Lost. In the pilot, Kate is exploring and meets Jack for the first time who is a doctor. He needs to stitch up his shoulder that was ripped open during the crash on the island. He had to convince her to sew him up. Then, while she was working on it, this conversation took place:
Kate: You don't seem afraid at all. I don't understand that.
Jack: Well ... fear’s sort of an odd thing. When I was in residency, my first solo procedure was a spinal surgery on a sixteen-year-old kid. A girl. And at the end, after ... 13 hours, I was closing her up and I ... I accidentally ripped her dural sack. It’s right at the base of the spine where all the nerves come together. Membrane is thin as tissue. So it ... it ripped open. Nerves just spilled out of her like angel hair pasta. Spinal fluid flowing out of her and ... and the terror was just so ... crazy. So real. And I knew I had to deal with it. So I just made a choice. I’d let the fear in. Let it take over,let it do its thing. But only for five seconds, that’s all I was gonna give it. So I started to count: 1...2...3...4...5. And it was gone. I went back to work, sewed her up, and she was fine.
Kate: If that had been me, I think I would’ve run for the door.
Jack: No, I don’t think that’s true. (pause) You’re not running now.
Jack: Well ... fear’s sort of an odd thing. When I was in residency, my first solo procedure was a spinal surgery on a sixteen-year-old kid. A girl. And at the end, after ... 13 hours, I was closing her up and I ... I accidentally ripped her dural sack. It’s right at the base of the spine where all the nerves come together. Membrane is thin as tissue. So it ... it ripped open. Nerves just spilled out of her like angel hair pasta. Spinal fluid flowing out of her and ... and the terror was just so ... crazy. So real. And I knew I had to deal with it. So I just made a choice. I’d let the fear in. Let it take over,let it do its thing. But only for five seconds, that’s all I was gonna give it. So I started to count: 1...2...3...4...5. And it was gone. I went back to work, sewed her up, and she was fine.
Kate: If that had been me, I think I would’ve run for the door.
Jack: No, I don’t think that’s true. (pause) You’re not running now.
**note to my readers** I am far over cory in the sense that i love him... I mean, I love him, but not like that. He became a close friend, but I wouldn't marry him, and probably wouldn't take him back if he ever came back. I just miss my close friend, and still feel betrayal and anger at his name for abandoning me. Not so much anymore, as I'm so close to forgiving him.
Which leads me into my next topic... dreams. (this still has nothing to do with Outback, but, readers, this will be come clear in time.)
** RANDOM SIDE NOTE... ** Just because I want to... So, we have an open position here on my team. And Josh was interviewing people, and I was talking to Brandon.
Laura: I hope they hire a cute, young, single guy...
Brandon: There is a huge floor of cute young single guys over in sales.
Laura: But I've walked over there.. none of them ever give me a second look.
...
Laura: Actually, come to think of it, ... the cute single guy sitting next to me (Justin) hasn't given me a second look either.... I'm doomed.
Brandon: /facepalm.
It was his reaction that made my afternoon... it was great!
ok.. back to dreams.
****************************************************
I am so close to forgiving him and letting him go. I have made the conscious decision to forgive him, and let him go, and I wait for the day where I can see his picture and go.. oh.. that's cool, I remember him. Not.. oh.. ouch, that hurts, this was a bad idea. I don't know why I haven't been able to just let it go.. once you make the decision, it should... go.. right? Anyways, I remember someone telling me, right after I received "the answer" that Satan was going to mess with my head... badly. And he's doing so now. I'll have dreams like, being the daughter of a fairy, or saving the world from an alien mothership, (that one was cool) and Cory will always make an appearance in them. Not sure why. And then I'll have dreams about him. Where, there was one, where he was around the corner, and I ran and put frosting on his nose, and he asked why I did that, and I hugged him and said.. "because you're my friend." Every day this week, I have seen him, or a symbol of him in my head while I live in another world, while asleep. I.DON'T.KNOW.WHY. Anyways. There's a counter balance. Danny is usually in the dreams where Cory makes an express appearance. The dreams that would normally have me wake up all frustrated. Danny is somehow in there. Chris occasionally makes an appearance. The thing, is Danny never has a big part in the dream.. (except the one where I was marrying brady, and Danny was trying to get me to rob a bank with him) He was there for support. I remember many times where he has said "its ok" in them.
I NEVER dream about friends. Ever. Not even the squad. I don't usually dream about Cory either. Even while we were dating. I rarely have dreams about people I'm with on a usual basis. They're usually made up characters, or people I haven't seen in a while. So, the fact that Danny is in them is weird enough. Someone analyze this dream thing for me, (without using the whole, 'you're destined to be together' phrase please. That's definitely not happening.)
*EDIT at 4 am* I just had another one. Cory had a major point in this dream. And yet again, there was Danny, as a counterbalance. The odd thing about this dream, is there was a presence of the spirit when I woke... something about blogging? or.. something else.
This leads me into the last topic, ( maybe ) of this post. Outback.
Today, as I said, I was in court this morning.. ( no more warrant! Hooray) For the last little while, Danny's car has been out of commission due to a leak in his coolant system. Now its out of commission because of his transmission... (which, its funny, his D4 light is blinking, and I found out today that it blinks in a pattern. His car is actually telling him what's wrong based on the number of times it blinks in succession... ok) Anyways, he's been asking for rides up to BYU... (which i'm extremely happy to provide... I love having conversations with him...:P) and since I was home today around 11, I texted him telling him I could give him a ride if he needed it. He needed to go talk to Kayla, at noon. And.. somehow, it didn't seem like a good idea if I was dropping him off... (another girl involved? bad idea.) So, the idea was presented, that he drop me off at work, and then takes my car to talk to her. So, Danny and I get in the car, and we discuss things we like in our future spouses. As we rounded by Torrey's house, I saw an outback. A Subaru outback. Cory drives an outback now. I've only seen it once, and if I remember correctly, its a cream colored one. But, yet, somehow, I'm hyper aware of all the outbacks. I see the car and notice how common it is, and hyperventilate if I ever see a cream colored one. I said out loud..
"outback"
I desperately wanted to discuss why i was hyper aware. I don't want to be anymore.. its a constant reminder of something I don't want to be reminded about anymore. And somehow.. I thought Danny could fix it. Not sure why I thought that. But I said it out loud. Danny said What? and I proceeded to explain that i didn't like the fact that the car reminded me of things I didn't want to be reminded about. That I wanted to look at the car, and not even recognize that it was that car. He sat silently, and as we rounded a corner, I saw another one, and to make a joke out of what I just said, I said out loud:
"outback"
"outback"
Except, this time, echoing in my ears, was Danny's voice saying the same thing. We looked at each other and grinned. He didn't say anything concerning what I had just explained, and the topic was changed. Which was ok with me, I felt weird enough saying it in the first place.. (I look utterly obsessed with Cory when I say something like that.. which is not the case at all, I'm trying to forget. I don't WANT to think about him or be reminded. )
As we rounded the next corner, another outback was seen pulling out of a parking lot, and I said again:
"outback"
And Danny, in mid-sentence, said:
"outback"
At the same time. It was funny.. and I started to laugh.
Well, he dropped me off at work. I went to lunch with a bunch of the girls here... (I went to Thai Drift, and one of the girl's family owns the place. I get discounts because I work at Attask... All this time, the guy who served me when I went with Symantec, was Anna's husband. ) 40 minutes into lunch, Danny sent a text telling me he was done, and I told him to come eat with me. He showed up, we talked a little, he ate, ( i practically had to force feed him.. dumb boy) and then we left. I took him home before work, so I could get my car back. On the way home, I noticed the outback, but didn't say anything, but Danny said "Outback" and then mentioned that he had seen 6 or 7 on his way to see Kayla. And I proclaimed that it was a common car.. so he should be able to see why I was having such a problem. It was EVERYWHERE! But as we passed more and more.. it became a game, rather than a hassle, as I saw them. Even on my way to lunch with the girls, i saw one, and smiled, rather than frowned.
After dropping Danny off, I drove back to work, and saw another one, and for sheer joy of it, I sent a text to him saying "outback." It wasn't even a Cory thing anymore. It was a thing between Danny and I. Kayla, is such a lucky, lucky girl.
He didn't even DO anything... call it inspiration, or call it desperation, he fixed what I needed fixed. While its not ALL the way fixed, its healed a little. A gap in my heart has a bridge built over it today, so I can step over it, instead of fall into it. Its not a fill, in any way shape or form, but, still its better than it was before.
* Danny pulling away from work*
Laura: * via text * Thank you.
Danny: For what?
Laura: For being you.
Danny: oh... you're welcome?
Laura: Someday I'll explain it to you.
Heres part of the explanation above...
here's the rest.
Before, this morning, the day was mediocre. When he dropped me off at work... my day... was really good. Not just because he helped fix the ONE thing I've been trying to fix for weeks, but, I feel better about myself when I'm around him. Yes, my self confidence flies out the window when he's around.. (that happens with anyone.. I always ask myself, "Do they really view me as a friend? or.. how do they really feel about me?" Sometimes it would help if the people I care about, say specifically "You are my friend. A close one. I care alot about you, and your comings and goings" But.. I can't specifically walk up to people and say.. "tell me I'm your friend." Ha.) But I had more energy, and things.. felt lighter. I'm not sure how else to describe it. Someday, I will have someone who has the same effect on me that Danny has. This is not a.. I go weak in the knees kind of reaction.. (though sometimes that does happen.) but more of a.. somehow.. someone cares about me.. and I recognize this in a way that goes deeper. I mean, yes... Del Ray cares, and Jillian cares and Kristen cares about my wellbeing.. but having someone so close with a connection that seems unbreakable.
Ok.. Tangenting here.
"having someone so close with a connection that seems unbreakable" I have this book I'm writing. The main character's name is Nikalaren Galaedras. He is an alien, who is telepathic.. or can be. He and the main character, me... cause I can't bring myself to make the character someone other than myself, are the love interest. (they originally weren't supposed to be... he was just supposed to be her best friend, the love interest was originally the dark and brooding leader of an empire... (and this idea was looooong before I met cory...) ) Anyway. They had this connection, where they were in each other's head, and knew what each other were thinking. I imagined it, but never had it. Most people date for the sake of dating someone. Having someone there just to be there.. or take care of you. Someone who, yes, is attractive, and helps out with the physical fun-ness that comes with dating. But very rarely will you come across someone who shares a connection with you. Someone who cares as much about you as you do about them. Someone you KNOW will be there. someone you KNOW cares about what you're thinking. Who will see an expression flit across your face, and want to know why, or will see the bare hint of a smile, and want to know if they caused it. Someone who, when seeing your face, KNOWS that everything, no matter what, will be ok.
When I was dating Cory, (and I use Cory as an example, cause he's been the ONLY one with whom I've ever been in love) I dreamed of it. I wanted it. I wanted a connection such as if as if I was telepathic. I wanted to be able to look at someone and SEE... think of the quote from Avatar, "I see you". Not, I see you physically, I see into you.
"But it's not just I'm seeing you in front of me, I see into you. I see you. I know you. I understand you."
Cory never talked about his feelings, or why he felt the way he did. I never knew if he was happy or sad or irritated. And when I guessed, I was usually wrong.
When I hang out with Danny... (and I don't mean this to be taken in any way other than face value) I touch on a glimmer that its possible. When Cory and I broke up, i was told, "Oh, Heavenly Father has someone much better in mind for you. Someone you can't even imagine." and I, at the time, through tears, and sobs of "If i can't have cory, I don't want anyone else, I'll never be in a relationship again" thought. "What is better than what I just had?" and I am shown, through a connection I feel through Danny, what IS better. (I have no idea if he feels a connection with me at all.. I'm just stating how i feel) Concerning Danny, I'm starting to feel like he's a person that I can share my deepest and darkest secrets to. That he doesn't judge, and he'll help me grow. To learn. To progress. Danny is someone who takes what I say, experiences, joys, sorrows, and doesn't just skim over them when I tell him, he processes them, and learns from them... Compared to other people, who i feel just are there to listen, but don't take from anything I say.
I'd like to say Chris is in there, but Chris, while he cares about me, (at least I think he does) he doesn't connect with things I say. He doesn't get it.. (it doesn't help that he's pushing me away either...) I still hang out with Chris lots more than Danny... but, i feel closer to danny.
Anyways.. back to my tangent. If i could find someone... the person, who i am to spend the rest of eternity with, I want to have the connection that I feel forming with Danny. I like having someone I feel is like that... (whether he feels the same way, or is actually connecting with me is another story... My delusions of Grandeur are showing me things that I want in my future spouse... and that's all that matters. This is why I talk about him alot. I've never had someone who... understands? Or seems like they understand? Deeper sense of purpose appear in all things where he's concerned. Its probably all in my head. (No, we're not dating... nor are we ever..) In all seriousness, I'm probably just some other girl who is in his life that he thinks is here for a short period of time and will leave later on. I mean, you as the reader have seen the change in my posts. The length, the analyzations that are made, the thoughts I post about. The things I think make life great. They're not emo anymore. And even, if you look at the posts from the pre-cory period, they weren't all that great either.
Some of them stand out... like, Parting, rants like this, and this. Deep thoughts like You never know, fun stories like Water Attack, or My roommate getting lost, But I posted 5 posts during 2008, and just about everything in 2009 was me whining about Cory.
But the posts, and the amount of posting has gone up... drastically since December. I feel this need to write. And the stuff I write about, are thought up/experienced while hanging out with this boy. I have lots of experiences.. Lots of adventures, and the other then mentioning the experience existed, there's nothing else to write about. Its why I take quotes down rather than whole experiences. It brings back the experiences... Though, I did start this blog to attempt to start documenting experiences... if only to show my kids that I really was a teen and youngster once.... But now I'm starting to see these posts as the "smaller plates of laura" and then the other stuff on facebook, and twitter can be the epic wars shown in the book of mormon.
Ok going back, because I feel the need to MAKE ABSOLUTELY SURE that no one thinks there's any obsession here... The things I feel worth posting and considering, are things that seem to always happen while this boy is around. The.END. That's it. There is nothing else there.. and there probably never will be. I'm just lucky to have found him.
Dang it.
ok. ending post.
*edit - this post is 4 pages long... I'm so proud of myself.
2 thoughts :
Nice post. :) You are a good friend Laura! Sorry I don't say that very often. And hey, you can always wish you could be in a relationship with Danny...
I could.... doesn't mean i already don't..... gah...
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