[Abandonment]

Friday, July 20, 2012

[Abandonment]


"Please tell me that this will be over soon, that there's a reason for it"
"Please know that your Father in Heaven has very important plans for you.  And you're going to need everything you can muster, both physical and spiritual"

This happened during a blessing last night. (We are talking about a Priesthood Blessing given for counsel and comfort, done in the LDS church)   John was awesome enough to come over after midnight.  Last night I suffered not a rejection but an abandonment.  Not a break up "I don't prefer you" abandonment, but one that said "I reject your very being."

I didn't even get very far into the text that I received with "we can't be friends" somewhere in there before an emotional nuke went off in my head. Had I kept reading, I would have seen, "I'll talk to you in a month" Things escalated pretty badly after that, from yelling at Natalia for no reason, to demanding an explanation.  A situation called "a Cory" is how I refer to it was occurring, and I wasn't going to live through another one.

I wasn't even mean, I just wanted to know why, and it got to the point as he walked away from me and got into his car that my voice faltered, and in a whisper, I said: "Please, don't leave me.. I can't..... "  And then became practically catatonic with tears, trapped in my own head.  And then I started begging.  I was begging anyone, to fix it, Natalia, Donny, Garret.  To make him come back and tell me why.

I wanted to die.

And I will never be able to convey how much pain and fear and hurt I had and I couldn't ignore it.  I would rather break bones and have kidney stones again and again than experience what I had experienced last night.

And all my repressed memories from last year, when my best friend, and only other person who seemed to magically understand me, even when *I* didn't, walked away from the same problem, came flooding back.  They have been all week.

Shortly after my break up with Cory, I had a blessing.  In it was the line of:

"You are going through this for the reason that someone else will go through what you did, and you will help them" 

At the time, that pissed me off.  What a DUMB reason to have my heart broken.  We are going off the idea that my Borderline manifested itself near the end and during my break up.  I wanted to marry this boy.  Every so often, I admit I look back at what we were and wonder what we could have been if the Borderline hadn't gotten in the way, hadn't been a catalyst to us falling apart.

A little while later, I made assumptions that maybe my daughter was going to go through a breakup some day.  When Jessie and Melissa (my sisters) got engaged, I was even more enraged.  While I wasn't wishing my massive uncontrollable heartbreak on them, the general selfish idea I had was "HOW *DARE* they be able to marry practically the FIRST person they came across.  Why Did I need this break up?!"  Selfish I know.

When Natalia and I became friends (I should write that story up) And then She and Cory broke up, (Yes, for those that don't know, my future roommate, @crazylady4life on twitter is my BIG ex's girlfriend after me.  )  And it was like, HEY! Here's the person I have to help, who is going through the same thing I did.

Again, assuming something incorrect.

Guys, I'm a Borderline.  A pretty self aware Borderline if I do say so.

"You [became borderline] for the reason that someone else will [become borderline] and you will help them."

That seems like a better reason than helping someone else through a break up.

But last night I didn't care.  I.wanted.to.die.  Whatever I thought was Borderline, wasn't borderline until I had my old wound ripped open, a flow of PTSD and nothing to staunch the bleeding.

aaaand this is yet another post of me losing my sense of direction of where I wanted to go with this.  Maybe just to point out there's a reason for everything?

Somewhere in this post, I wanted to mention that I'm working with my doctor to get in with the University of Utah for Borderline Research.  I've never really had a passion before.  My passions wax and wane with whomever I'm with.  But I'm passionate about my Borderline as much as I hate it.   I want others to understand it.  Just by understanding it, your eyes are opened to a whole new dimension about how people live and how to understand others.

Last night I was a pitiful ball of weeping that threw a fit and wanted to hit people.   And it wasn't anger, it was pain. Uncontrollable pain, burning me from the inside out.

"I hate you, please don't leave me"  That's our mantra.

But... there's a reason for all of this.  I'm important.  I will be important to others.  That's enough to keep me going, even after last night.




Reactions:

37 thoughts :

Anonymous said...

Oh wow. Can you not see why he would leave you? I can't see why any of the others would stay either. You're poison.

And self-centered is a good word for this as well.

Did you really think that anything you say here is going to help anyone?

Josh said...

Well aren't you helpful, insult someone over the Internet who you've never met. Why don't you take your negative additude and get out.

Anonymous said...

As a third party and usually neutral peace-keeper, I'm inclined to side with Josh on this matter.
Anon, as a child, did you ever learn an important lesson from an adorable little cartoon rabbit? "If you ain't got nothing nice to say, don't say nothing at all."
How about you do the innocent people on this blog a favor and try to put that into practice?
On a side note, your word choice is... Interesting.
"Poison"- a foreign body that through one method or another, infiltrates a target zone and begins to enact it's design upon the existing order of things. (Not a direct definition, but I think you would agree that it fits the bill well enough.) So, to elaborate, "Poison" (You, Anon)- a foreign body (unwelcome) that through one method or another (internet), infiltrates (proxy/mask) a target zone (this blog) and begins to enact (post) it's design (hostile intent and speech) upon the existing order of things (Ms. Kikastrophe).
So, would the real poison please stand up? And remove yourself. An apology would be nice, and you seem intelligent enough to articulate one, but I've noticed that toxins rarely do so.
That is all.

Trisha Mordecai said...

Anon... I think you need to grow up and leave her alone. You are the one who is tearing people down. We all have problems. Some are more severe than others. I have both Autism and Bipolar so I know what she is going through. But you need to leave her alone and apologize to her for your mean and hateful way. You are the one who is self centered, you are selfish. I would hate to be one of your friends. Do everyone a favor and leave kika alone.

Anonymous said...

Lol, that's the first time I've heard someone call her Kika in years... Since I met her, actually.

Nattyphat said...

Well, anon.. I have no idea who you are, if you're married, if you're single, or what. Honestly though, I don't care. What I wonder is how you think that using your method of thinking will cultivate and add to any relationship. If you're married, have they seen this side of you? The difference between you and Miss Laura, is her attitude. She accepts and lays claim to her faults, where as you are merely trying to break down Laura for your own amusement, and/or Purpose. You seem to have no kindness, and I'll admit, once upon a time I was mean to Laura (but to protect myself and someone I then loved dearly and elf close) so my reasoning was to intentionally push her away. Not to come into her comfort zone and defile her ability to open up to every other person (aside from your egotistical, putrid and vile attempts to have her flee the comfort of her father in heaven and friends).
If you know her, if you are a member, let me just say that I hope that all that you have given to her in her dire time of need, comes back to you ten fold.
Also, Laura... You know I love you, and will always be here for you. You know this. I have faith in you, I'm here to support and carry you. I'm your friend. Really.. I'm always here for you. Don't let a pebble in your shoe, stop you from taking this journey with confidence and love in knowing you will be conqueror. Youve got this, hon!
And Anon, we stick around because we know what matters to us, and we don't throw away things that are difficult and may take time to help fix. I was raised in the south, where you fix it until its complete again. You work hard on it until its done, and then you continue to take care of it as best as you can.
I love you Laura, never forget that.

Anonymous said...

Anon, you poor, sad, little person. Haha. You have to pick on this girl to make you feel better about your pathetic little life. You claim you know her. I don't think you do. If you do, put a face and a name to your comments instead of hiding like a dog who just poopped on the rug. My guess, you are jealous of her. Of what she has. Or you have some serious mommy issues you need to work though. Or maybe you are borderline yourself. Causing you to be envious of all that she has accomplished in her life despite being borderline. And if you can't be happy, what right does Kika have, right? Pathetic. My advice... Grow up.

Anonymous said...

You are all insane.

I'll just wait a little bit for the post about how more people are leaving then say "I told you so"

Nattyphat said...

Yeah... And I hope you find a better hobby. One that involves you, your life, and leaves others lives alone. You must have a really sad life if you're too absorbed and obsessive over Laura and hers.

Anonymous said...

Haha. You lose Anon.

Anonymous said...

Why would I need a better hobby? This is an amusing soap opera of someone who cannot keep friends and then the only thing she can do is complain about it.

Tell me that's not entertaining in some form. She is the one all of you talk about behind her back in frustration and avoid as much as you lay claim to her friendship. I just tell her how I feel to her "face". I may or may not be someone she knows in real life, so I would rather not be her target should she find out who I am.

But all the rest of you have serious problems if you believe declarations only against a ghost on the internet make you what she thinks she needs. And as long as she continues on this path she won't ever get it. It'll be a long chain and weeping and wailing.

Laura said...

Anonymous.

At some point in the future I would like you to point put or have a discussion with me off the blog either via email or choose to do it in real life. You don't necessarily have to give yourself away as "the one from the blog" I do appreciate constructive criticism as I know I can't fix myself on my own. If I have done something to you or am constantly doing something to you I'd like to know about it so I can fix it.

traveler said...

Being a friend of this young lady and knowing the pain and stress she goes through first hand and dealing with the same thing in my wife I can tell that you are a sad, little, insignificant person based on your hurtful words. And that you, Anon, not her, are the sad little soap opera. You find joy in trolling the blogosphere to berate and belittle others because a meaningful job and creative hobby are quite possibly two things your little, immature, closed mind are incapable of managing. She has found a way to convey her thoughts and feelings to words that you do not need to subscribe to. If you truly find amusement in her words where none was intended then you not her need to find special help. This blog and its words are not meant for a small minded, hypocritical, none educated, pitiful and ignorant soul as yours. Please take that as everything it is meant to be. Find the next webpage and move on. This one is not, nor will it ever be for someone such as you.

Anonymous said...

Your knowledge of what goes on "behind closed doors" is interesting, but nothing that high-school psychology couldn't have taught you.
But I'm not here to discern your identity- However if you are aware of mine, I would like to speak to you about this- you should know the rules of asymmetrical warfare; because this is breaking a few, and clever minds are above skulking about in the shadows and leaving hateful comments.
Either way- I cannot speak for the other authors in this comment feed (although some of them are considerably less eloquent and graceful than one would hope) but I do not post in a guise to be "what she thinks she needs". You're correct in relation to many finer points of the matter at hand in your posts, but that isn't the problem here. There are two overarching problems with how you behave.
The first problem is how you express your thoughts. I actually agree with much of your stance, and have no problem voicing my opinion as such. However, I do so in a manner that conveys that although I am easily (and usually) frustrated at Kika, I do care about the turmoil she finds herself in (regardless of what I believe the actual fault is), and I hope she can fly the way she wants to eventually. Since I can be harsh at these times, I will usually pull her aside and speak to her in private, taking the time to make sure she understands that I'm there to help, albeit in an unorthodox way. Granted, I actually care about Kikastrophe- something I feel you and I don't have in common, which takes us to problem 2.
You liken this to a soap opera. I can get behind that idea. I roll my eyes at soaps' on the TV, and I roll my eyes a helluva lot more at Laura. But that's the glory of things- if I don't like the show, I turn it off or leave. If I do like it, I sit and watch. In both of those circumstances however, I am quiet and reserved. First, because I have class, and second; I realize that intervening is either not going to help, or simply spawn more drama.
Based upon your prior statements, I figure that this entire post means nothing to you, as your words and their effects are things you can't care less about. I can, however, appeal to your common sense. Why keep posting? Why not complain about your problems with Laura to a friend who can sympathize? Hell, figure out who I am and vent to me. If you do know the group personally, chances are you've already vented around me before, so why not do the mature thing and keep the negativity off her blog.

Additionally, to other various posters- it's great that you come to Kikastrophe's aid when someone upsets her. Really, people need friends who speak up, as they are few and far in this world. But a word of advice- unless you can maintain civility and wit when speaking to an adversary, shut up. You're not helping by bashing the anon who clearly doesn't care what you say. You fight like children, and I'm appalled by it. When something like this happens, don't come in with the intent to fight. Come in with the intent to defend. Hurting anon (which you cannot do) is NOT helping Laura (which you can do). Anon pops up being a dick? Don't swing back- as he/she put it quite well, anon might as well be a ghost. Your combative stances do nothing. Instead, be the peace bringer. Laura doesn't need someone to fight her battles for her, she needs someone to stand next to her and cheer her on.
Again, you're all awesome for being so ready to defend her- but remember, when you come across a character like anon, fighting back isn't helping-
It's just wasting valuable time you could be shrugging off those hurtful comments and helping Kika do the same.
Oh, and you're just feeding a troll. And we all know how that ends.

the other other other? anonymous said...

Laura, did you flirt with someone's boyfriend recently? Sounds like what this malicious anonymous is suffering from...

Laura said...

1. Love the name. 2. I'm pretty sure I know who you are. 3. No? I've been in a relationship for a month and if proxy anonymous and this anonymous are the same then they've been watching for at least 3.

the other other other? anonymous said...

Just hazarding a guess . . .

Look among your current friends, it's always the quietest ones you have to watch out for ;)

Fear the Wolf said...

Just remember:
Feedest Not the Trolls.

Anonymous said...

Let's face facts.

You complain at me for saying things when I'm pretty sure you have all said similar in the past. Let's not be hypocrites here. You all feel the same way. You just choose not to let her see this

Is she going to whine and bitch tomorrow about some thing wrong with her that she can't fix?

And is she going to piss everyone off?

C'mon people.

She's not worth it.

~David~ !Sharp! said...

I applaud the fact that people are rushing to Laura's aid- Which, ironically, dear Anon that is causing all the excess and unneeded drama, is probably not what you intended to end up showing her- That while one person may not like her for whatever reason, she has a million more people willing to stand up for her and show her that they love her. I, of course, am one of those people. Putting all that aside... I do not think attacking the Anon here is going to serve any purpose other than giving him/her some undeserved attention. So, please, for the love of God, STOP IT. Most of us, if not all of us, are LDS here. Which means we intend to follow Christ- Which means we need to LOVE and BUILD UP not RAGE and TEAR DOWN. While I'm certainly not happy with said Anon for taking time out of their day to try and hurt a good friend of mine, I don't think ripping into them is going to do any good. That being said...

Dearest Anon,
I respect you. I'm not sure what you feel Laura has done to deserve your anger. Although it does seem to stem from something pertaining to her "drama" or such. I think your opinion is important, and that people like you should express their feelings, lest we have people running around and killing each other. However, doing what you're doing is simply creating more chaos, as you are probably well aware of, and which might even be your intent. Please try and express yourself more rationally. And to respond to your feelings about Laura...

1. How is anyone not self-centered in some way? Why are you pointing fingers?

2. I happen to disagree wholeheartedly with your implication that nothing she says helps anyone. I really identify with Laura. A lot of the things I've been through in my life, she has been through as well. The fact that she "Just keeps swimming" helps me remember to do the same. Also, it helps me to remember I'm not so alone as I thought.

3. You assume that people are going to leave Laura. You know what, you're probably right. People often have a hard time with what they don't understand- in fact, the foolish ones fear it, and thus lash out at it. However... I think the fact that the people I've seen stay in Laura's life are generally some of the best people I've ever known says something. Not that they're just putting on airs and simply don't want to hurt her. I know them too well to believe that for a second. The wiser people are the people who choose better actions to take. They're the ones that understand that the harder things in life are, the more worthy of our time they are. Being Laura's friend has not been easy. But I've always come back, even if I went away for a while. You know why? Because it's worth it. The things that Laura brings to a friendship outweigh the confusion and frustration. I love her, plain and simple as day isn't night. And I don't love people easily.

~David~ !Sharp! said...

4. You seem to implying that you think that all of your "plain truth" statements are going to help her. Having had people try this on me face to face... I can safely say that you're off the mark. Having people tell me I'm fat when I need to lose weight isn't going to cause me to lose weight- It's going to cause my self-worth and personal image to slowly go down the toilet. Being honest is important... but being lovingly honest is a mark of someone who understands that hate speech is, well, hate speech.
5. Are you not yourself complaining? Putting your complaints where people are obviously going to see them doesn't exactly inspire confidence in your claims of her whining and complaining. Besides the fact that this is her blog. While it may indeed be public, it's still hers. She writes what she writes for the intent of expressing herself, while also looking for people to get to understand her better, and maybe get some advice out of the mix. Her intent is not, I assure you to get attention. Believe me, if she wanted attention she could EASILY get it.

And 5. Your claim about her not being worth it? Completely groundless. Why? If you have to ask... then you don't know her well enough. I've only known her for 4 years. Yet I know about some of the actions she's taken when she could easily have taken others that were more convenient. I've seen her be a friend to people that don't even know they need one. I've seen her support and help. I have seen her love in the way she acts and talks. I've seen a beautiful daughter of God fight through a significant amount of pain of all types, and still manage to smile despite it all. From the very fact that she has friends supporting her should tell you she's worth it. Maybe not to you... but we all have our opinions, whether they're correct or not, is surely debatable. But the worth of someone is never debatable. NEVER. And if you truly cannot see that, I pity you.

Laura- I love you. I hope you know that. Thank you for being a bright, shining example in my life. One can never have too many of those.

~David~ !Sharp! said...

Whoops. Said 5 twice...

the other other other? anonymous said...

Feeding the troll. Sorry, it was so cute and fluffy.

Dear Anonymous,

I've told Laura her life is a soap opera. But I also like watching a trashy drama now and then, so I get a bit of entertainment from it when I'm bored stiff.

Tried to help her change, but gave up on that. I still check up on the evolution of the soap opera every once in awhile. That's my only role here.

Now I'm interested in YOU. What's your story? Where and when did your animosity originate? It sounds FASCINATING. Do tell.

Anonymous said...

I'm just the person here to help convince her to give up. Its nice to see another on here honest enough to publicly share their dislike of her.

You gave up? Why? Because she didn't understand? Or you didn't talk to her in a way she could as broken as she is? Or she did what she does and forces everyone away.

My role here is to help her understand that its easiest for her, and happiest for us, if she just gives up.

~David~ !Sharp! said...

Actually, I gave up because of what I thought I understood, but truly didn't. You see, I've been where you are now. I've been frustrated with her for pushing away. You know what though? I eventually understood something. She cares. When I gave up on her and she found out, she asked me a very good question: Why? I then proceeded to tell her- Which enabled her to explain some things. In other words, we talked.
I realized after we had talked that the things I was upset with her about were not enough of a reason to give up on her- It simply felt like it at the time.

Now that I've told you this...

I want to ask you something.

By her giving up, what do you mean? Do you mean with people? Do you mean with overcoming her problems? Or do you mean with life itself?

Regardless of your reason...
It's obvious to me that you are indeed angry. This level of anger and frustration suggests a personal past. Not that it inevitably means that is true, however. For all I know you are simply someone who wants to hurt someone. Doesn't really matter.

Please stop hiding. Talk to Laura. Don't let anger consume you like this- it isn't healthy. It WILL destroy you. The person that needs help here is you. I'm also curious as to whether you are the same anon that tortured Laura long ago on this blog.

Whoever you are, please find something better to do. Inevitably, Laura or one of her other many intelligent friends will find out who you are. At which point, you may find that not all of us are as kind as Laura is.
That is, if she doesn't already know who you are.

the other other other? anonymous said...

Dear Anonymous,

She just gives up on what? Life? Answer = suicide?

Clarification, please!

the other other other? anonymous said...

Oh . . . in answer to your question, I gave up because my advice was ignored. I don't get many happy altruistic dopamine rushes when she won't accept my help. Nothing in it for me, you see.

But, you didn't tell me why YOU care . . .

Anonymous said...

I'm sure you are all smart enough to figure it out.

And who I am is irrelevant. A ghost in the internet. I care only enough for the soap opera. And what a delightfully entertaining one its been from what I can see. Attach the fact that she may or may not know me and voila.

Every word I have ever stated on this blog has been true. Think about that. What about the rest of you?

Anonymous said...

Anon, go fuck yourself.

But in the unlikely case that you have even microscopically-visible testicles, then I'd like to meet you in person and damage your body. Anyone who encourages the suicide of another human being is depraved and lost, far moreso than Kikastrophe. People like you need to be humbled and I volunteer for the task.

If not, then you'd better pray to whichever god whose commandments you aren't obeying that I never find out who you are.

Anonymous said...

:)

Anonymous said...

i see that people have turned to threats of bodily violence. i'm sure that will help everybody involved.

hello anon, i don't believe we've met. your truths are fascinating and bold. do you have a newsletter? i would like to subscribe to it.

Christopher said...

Where do you two get off ridiculing and discouraging someone anonymously?

I'm sorry that you need to feed off of her misery in order to entertain yourselves. You're the worst kind of people.

Anonymous said...

Despite who I may or may not agree with;
Ghost Anon- You're a dick, slightly despicable, and have ignored both aggressive and polite (surprised to see the other anon ream both sides, I like that there are some intelligent neutral individuals here) requests to stop posting. That being said, you have thus far yet to physically threaten anyone, so you don't earn my complete ire, despite your very uncouth behavior.
Other other other other other other what's your face- Clever girl. I'm at least happy to see someone who is, although not outwardly positive, grounded and sensible in their statements. Allow me to buy you a beer sometime.
Violent "Go Fuck Yourself" Anon- Seriously? It takes a small individual to kick a girl when she's down and psychotic, but it takes an even smaller, weaker and more pathetic individual to respond with threats of violence. No one worth half their salt in this thread would ever give a shit about such a poorly constructed and over zealous response, especially not Ghost Anon. You, my wishfully violent friend, should go lock yourself in a closet and let the adults talk.
David Sharp- You are a good friend to Laura, and an effective voice of reason despite your bias. *thumbs up*
Christopher- Well put.
+ Fear The Wolf +

Nattyphat said...

Forget this anonymous person. Can't ya'll see? This person wants our attention... so that what could be used on Laura in forms of encouragement and support, is used to argue with a disturbingly revolting being.

Laura, we are here for you! Got that?
Someone who doesn't even know ME, is trying to convince you that I am not who I am.. which is weird. BUT, I know me, and I know you, and I loves you, and I'm about to be your OFFICIAL roommate (Heather's moving out by the 1st. I talked to her today)and life will be grand!!! At least... I hope it is, and I'm gonna make it so.

Here's to life!

Anonymous said...

Huh. Someone finally took my advice.

Anonymous said...

Huh. Someone finally listened to me.

Anonymous said...

"I'm passionate about my Borderline as much as I hate it." I feel exactly the same way! I created a website to try to raise awareness and reduce the stigma of BPD. Please check it out:

http://makebpdstigmafree.wordpress.com/

You might enjoy this post:

http://makebpdstigmafree.wordpress.com/2013/06/19/i-have-borderline-personality-disorder-and-im-proud-of-it/

You are not alone! Joyce.

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