Thursday, July 26, 2012


For the past week since the break up, I've been dealing with polarized thinking.  We, as Borderlines, think in Black and White.  For whatever reason.

James works with me.  He also, due to the break up, hasn't wanted to talk to me.  This was the pitfall that created the Cory situation.  I was seeing the same patterns.  Here's how the black and white thinking works:

He's not looking at me - HE HATES ME, I'm doing something wrong. Must... figure... it... out.
He talked to Natalia and not me - HE HATES ME.  Must... figure... it... out.
Omg, he asked me if he could have one of my taffy's - HE LIKES ME
Oh, he didn't sit next to me... HE HATES ME, I'm doing something wrong, must...figure... it... out.

And that's my process OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER.  Its exhausting, but its so reflexive and conditioned, its hard to separate it from healthy thought processes.

Unfortunately, James picked up on these internal emotions.  And Unfortunately, James had less patience than Cory... Which led to.  "We can't be friends right now"  aaaaand the events of the past post.

What I needed desperately was a way to communicate.  I have a barrier.  I cannot explain what's going on in my head, and to everyone, I look like a pitiful dramatic ball of nothing that throws tantrums all the time.  Really.  No one understands I'm consumed by emotion.  Paralyzed by it almost.

He came back to talk to me.  Natalia explained in her own words at her best guess what was going on, and he came back to listen.  I thought, maybe, out of everyone I knew, he might have the capacity besides Cory to understand and accept me.  I wanted someone to come into my barrier.  I just wanted someone to understand and appreciate what I go through to function in daily society.

I'm out of therapy at the moment, its 100 dollars a session to go, and I don't have the money at the moment, so its up to me to learn as much as I can so I can start identifying what to change.

I found this: http://www.my-borderline-personality-disorder.com/2012/07/open-letter-to-non-bpds-from-those-of.html?m=1

I sent it to my closest friends.   Its a letter written for non borderlines to try and help them understand.  With blips like:
These episodes can get farther and fewer between, and we can experience long periods of stability and regulation of our emotions. Sometimes the best thing to do, if you can muster up the strength in all of your frustration and hurt, is to grab us, hug us, and tell us that you love us, care, and are not leaving. 

Sometimes we even take on the mannerisms of other people (we are one way at work, another at home, another at church), which is part of how we've gotten our nickname of "chameleons." Sure, people act differently at home and at work, but you might not recognize us by the way we behave at work versus at home. It's that extreme.

Little things.  I asked them all to read it.  Just so they'd understand.  I never actually thought they'd get it.

I got a message from Xander.

"I didn't know.... I had no idea this is what you go through, I can't even begin to fathom what its like to always fear abandonment. I won't ever leave you."

I was invited over to Kristenfer's the next day, and was surprised at the door with a big hug of excitement from Christopher.  It wasn't a welcome to the house hug, it was a "I'm so happy you're you" hug.  It was accompanied by a hug dance, as I laughed a little.    I went to Jdawgs the next day, and multiple people from my old group jumped on it.  I was being constantly touched by people.  From Jillian reaching over to hold my wrist, to pulling me into random hugs.  Looks of concern when I'd get a blank look on my face.  Pokes from Donny.  Understanding.  I was allowed to talk about it.  People asked me what was on my mind.  Things were changing.

I saw it.

And then I've been attacked on my blog.  And people jumped to my rescue.  Several of the anonymous I know.  They told me.  James included.  He who said he was leaving.  And that night, I was codependent on him.  Him and Natalia.  They were pissed..... never had that reaction before.  He sat me down afterwards telling me I wasn't allowed to do that ever again.  And we started talking about why....

"I know you don't want to talk to me, and you don't have to... you can get up and leave if you want. "
James leaned forward.. "No, you see..." *thinks*
"see, even now, I'm gearing up for some kind of rejection."
"I know... that's not what I meant.  This entire conversation you haven't bothered me and things haven't been awkward once.  And I figured something out.  I wasn't meant to be in your life to be your boyfriend, or your friend.  I am here to be your counselor.  Because I have a unique way of listening and understanding, and I'm going to give it a try.  I won't leave, no matter how rough it gets."
"But... you left a coup..."
"I know.  I'm still here...... I really suck at leaving."

And then he sat and listened and asked questions.  and HE GOT IT.  2 concepts, he understood without me using the new words I know.


Now.  To Deal with the Identity crisis.


What color is a chameleon when he has nothing to blend in with?  I left the squad for the most part.....

Because people with BPD lack consistency in their beliefs, values, and passions, they seek relationships with people whom they feel can give their lives at least momentary meaning. Like Chameleons, they adapt quickly to other people's worlds, sharing their beliefs and emotions and molding themselves to their needs and expectations. They fill up on the identity of the other person, who quickly becomes their reason for being.
The chameleon-like quality of
bpd resembles the behavior of adolescents, who conform readily to the standards and styles of their peers. Adolescents, however ar ein the midst of a developmental process in which they eventually select the beliefs and values that suit them best
For people with BPD in contrast, separations MAY FEEL LIKE ANNIHILATION.
SINCE THEY HAVE DRAWN THEIR IDENTITY FROM ANOTHER PERSON OR A GROUP, bandonment means returning to an abyss of meaninglessness and emptiness

This occurred in work today.  In fact, I started, what might end up being a blog post.  I had a brain dump of 4 pages of writing.  Trapped in my head by my adderall, I was having a conversation with myself on paper.  And when I was done, I crumpled it up.....

Until James reached over and caught my hand, and took the balls of paper out and smoothed them back out and read them.

I'm in good hands at the moment I think.  And this doesn't include the hours of chats about psychology with Nathaniel, as we try and search my cognitive processes for a pattern or source we can try and fix.

Guys. This is going to be rough.  


2 thoughts :

Jessie said...

I'm glad things seem to be going better and I'm sorry I don't live closer. I'm looking forward to coming to visit and for you coming to visit me, though both will be brief.

I hope things continue on the upward slope, and I'm glad you wrote down about the up times because they are so easy to forget when things start to go sour. Just keep these memories in your heart.

Love you

Anonymous said...

Dear Laura, I wanted to let you know, how proud I am of you for being able to share about your disease online, and so publicly for everyone to see. I was diagnosed with B.P.D several years ago, and until I started intense treatment, I felt so alone and helpless. Life was hard, and I had no one to turn to. It sounds like you have a good support group, and will be okay. Keep writing about your experience, because you never know who needs to be reading it and know that they are not alone. I promise it never gets easier, not really, but you can find happiness, and you can never let yourself stop trying.