[Daydreaming Secrets]

Guys, this is a very long post. full of lots of secrets and insights into my personality.  This post is long coming, and is kind of sensitive.  I know I'm a nutcase.  I like comments.  I like advice and analysis.  This part of me has been subject to lots of study.  just... tread carefully.  But I do enjoy knowing that people have read this, and understand.  

Okay.

I've been analyzing my daydreams.

Except my daydreams are very different than yours.

[Part redacted]


Remember Nik?  Yeah.  That's where he comes from. Transcendence? The story I want to write?  Yeah. Basically, I have the ability to disappear into my subconscious, and interact with people whom I have some control over, but everything happens in a split second.  I don't even have to think about it.  And its a big story covering alot of my life.   Its my coping mechanism, to lack of friends growing up, to emotional trauma growing up.  It was my brain protecting me.

Don’t say I’m out of touch

With this rampant chaos - your reality

I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge

The nightmare I built my own world to escape 

Imaginary - Evanescence

Every person I've told tells me they're jealous of this ability.  I cannot adequately express how realistic the whole experience is. I feel, and smell, and taste.  or a simulated version of it.  

Anyways, I've been analyzing the dream or story.  Its very.. symbolic of my life.  I am the main character in it.  I can talk about any of the experiences as if I've lived it.. because in a way I have.  When I had no friends, these were my friends. These still.. are my friends. They fill the gaps in my lonely ness, for hours at a time during the day. Be aware, as with this syndrome, it really is like leading a double life.  Not a multi personality disorder, but daydreams and fantasies that take place over many many many years, with a story that's undergone lots of refinement. 

There is a point to me telling you the reader's digest of this, but if you feel like skipping it, there's some important stuff near the end.  

Blips of this can be see in these places: 
Questions of a hypothetical nature
Nik
Thingy
fire and ashes

Basic Gist: (and there is a point to this I promise)
I was kidnapped from earth and tortured.  Turned cyborg at the very least. I was on the bad team for a while, doing atrocities without realizing that I was on the bad side.  I became self aware of this being a problem and at the last moment during a big attack on a prominent galactic civilization I sabotaged it and escaped. 

My implants were hidden as I tried to mesh with society and I was taken to a school, where I became best friends with 2 other aliens: Taerana and Merconi. and basically a competitor to another: Nik.  We all became kind of a center to a large group of friends who, at this school, we were all really smart. Research grants, and theoretical physics.  I have mentally done lots of research into different topics, and have lots of theoretical concepts for many things including cloaking devices, holograms, holographic rooms, wormholes... etc.  Manipulation of matter.

I gained a specific power that allowed me to help others further, and could cause so much damage in so many ways.  I will not go into via this post, how magic works in this universe.  But you're welcome to ask about Guardian vs Ambient magic, and why its So severely important to this world.   Basically, as a guardian think Buffy the vampire slayer, except more strategic and less, kick vampire butt.  a game changer.  

I was recaptured.  This time around the bad team wasn't going to let me figure my way out of this one, so I was strapped into what was lovingly called a VR machine. (cyborg, remember?)  There, I was virtually forced into scenarios where they either had no solution or the solution was so obscure, and the processes and data and brain power were harvested in other ways, so I was still useful.  

7 months of that kind of torture.  And then I was rescued.  Friends on the inside alerted the good guys where I was and got me out.  After being in the VR machine for a while, I didn't know reality from... VR.  It was a rough 3 months.  As I came back to reality, Nik and I started speaking more.  As colleagues we pumped out more smarts than any one else.  We were brilliant, but we hated each other.  well,  Annoyed is a better word.  

While being in the VR chamber, I did manage to pick up some information about an attack on earth.  Basic programming does not allow me to set foot on earth.  I would die.  Hard coded.  It made it so slaves of the bad guys didn't go running home.  But, Maybe for a time the programming could be confused.  I was sent back to earth with a severe lackage of personal memories, knowing that the longer I was there, the slower my body would start degrading.  My mere presence there set the invasion back back by 6 months.  During that time I was to bring Earth up to speed with my own observartions and notes I had taken during my life as a cyborg slave, and while I was around the school.  Then it was not seen as the good guys giving earth said technology.  

Long story short, that involves knowing alot more back story, I died.. kind of, bringing about the start of a prophecy, that yadda yadda is uninteresting unless you know the important stuff, and earth was saved, partially by my hand.  Oh. becoming part cyborg meant the removal of my eyes, I had sensors.  Being.. brought back, (for lack of a better word) regenerated those eyes, at this point I'm seeing all these people I have been around for a long time for the first time. 

Now, I'm currently recuperating, and what looks like the beginning of a Nik/Laura relationship is happening.  
And I got to see him for the first time.

The most recent event was my first time out of the infirmary,  where I went into a large house, where one of those big super celebrity parties were happening, with stair cases, and I came down the stairs and saw Nik for the first time.  Awe insued, a moment happened, and then, Nik said something fascinating.

"Why are you hiding some of your implants?" He picked up my hand, and turned it over, where the webbing on the back was missing. He also touched my cheek where I was hiding one of my ports.  "You should show them"
After looking at him for a second, I cut the power to those holographic emitters, and revealed the imperfect parts, the parts that would make most of my own kind shudder, including the cords bound to my head.  And Nik smiled, kissed the back of my hand, and said, "Perfect"

HOKAY.

That was the embarassing part.  Big secret, major close to my heart. That's my world. My universe. My friends. My secret.  And I just told you the basics in a way that most of you will never be more interested in it further than the readers digest.  

Guys, that's 10 years of my life right there.  And as many as 2-3 hours a couple days a week.

  Ok.. I can't believe I'm doing this.

A couple other major points to point out from this story.
1. Removal of eyes, and eyes returned. 
2. The Reality where I was crazy after coming out of a VR machine after being tortured. 
3. Guardian Vs Ambient.  The 2 powers annhilate each other.  I am guardian, Nik, Taerana and Merconi are all Ambient. 
4. It was well known that a Guardian/Slayer has no friends.  they are the first to die as each team plays for control of the guardian. 
5. upon returning to earth, she was ashamed of her implants and imperfections. 

Now! Here's the analysis.  I shall magically attempt to make a table. 

Timeline of story                              Timeline of My life
Kidnapped/Tortured                        Invalidated as a child, fought with parents, was under alot of control.
                                                       Beginnings of borderline
Escaped                                          Moved out of the house
Made friends, had semi normal life   Lived in the dorms, failed my classes, dated Cory  
Captured/Tortured again                 Broke up with Cory, onset of borderline, for a year, things were pretty 
                                                      bad.  Hung around with Danny and Chris, but still battled the loss and hit                                                                       
                                                      of rejection.  
Rescued.  Crazy for a little while     Cory came back, and I went on meds, and really kind mentally lost it 
                                                      there for 3 months. 
Onset of new projects,                   There are several things I can put here, therapy being one of them, 
and Rescue of earth                        my death, not so much I can put here, unless its the pre therapy, then 
                                                      my rise... not really analyzing that one so much. It is crucial to the story. 


So, We can look at my implants as either my emotions or even borderline.  let me tell ya, sometimes I think they're the coolest things, but I'm scared to death to walk around on earth.  

My time away from earth could also be symbolic of my time with the squad, with people who knew my weirdness and accepted it, and now that I'm not really associating with them, my return to earth, and my fear of being so different manifesting itself.  

My loss of memory while on earth, represents my loss of who I am on a constant basis, and my actions in helping others continue to help me re-find myself.

The fact that my eyes came back, I'm now seeing things differently, I'm seeing people differently.  

The Guardian/Slayer has no friends, except, this one does.  And because of that its stronger.  And its now rumored that the no friends idea was spread by the enemy, to prevent her from having support. 

And Nik... Nik accepted my implants.  He wanted to accept me for who I was, and that meant bringing everything that I have with me.  And maybe, that was the cue, that I have completely and emotionally accepted who I am, borderline and all.   

 And all this happens in the back of my mind.  And at the same time, I can tell you how holographics work, had I the smarts and resources to create it. 

All right. Go ahead and say it.  I'm crazy.