[Identification]

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

[Identification]


Note: I cannot for the love of me find the piece in my CSS that's preventing my Hyperlinks from actually looking like hyper links.   Anything in [] are hyperlinks. Also inb4 the "she used swears", yeah.  I did.

"Borderlines grow up to be a mess of a yarnball that's so improperly put together they start trying to kill themselves at age 12. You..... you aren't that." 

It was a comment that struck me a bit. I knew that I was missing a decent chunk of the BPD problems. I could match up to enough of the criteria, but it only made me non functional SOMEtimes. And then while I had my ups and downs in my relationships, the yarnball that was the cutting / sucidal / explosive from 0-60 was missing.  Like alot.  I attributed it to just being smart and catching on quick as I did my own internal research.

The [lady who diagnosed me took one visit to do so.]  one.  At the time I didn't question it because I was feeding my own internal sense of needing a label for why the crap everything was happening. Why my paranoia existed.   But my psychiatrist boyfriend last summer was pulling his hair out at the idea that some psychiatrist could have gotten into my head so fast to diagnose me with Borderline Personality Disorder. And I resisted at first, I NEEDED this label this way to explain what was wrong with me, how I was different, lesser, than others. for 5 years now I had used it as a lifeboat, something to explain I wasn't mad.  And I fought through some measured level of identity crisis for a bit, digesting the idea that a huge portion of my life, was false.  That my motivation surrounding a great deal of my activism and emotional intelligence was a lie.

And I guess part of the reason that I took so long to write this post is because of those who are depending on me. I've been sitting on this for months, and its prevented me from writing anything else.   I am / was the Borderline who got through college and had a high success story.  In the course of my stigma and research and journey I collected quite a few people who would message me for hope in their current situation.  I was the bridge between where they were and the end of the tunnel they couldn't see.

I no longer identify as Borderline.  I probably never should have been diagnosed as Borderline. Anything that I used to consider "borderline" hasn't plagued me in over a year, and anyone who follows my feed will have noticed that I quit posting articles about "understanding borderline" about that far back. And its been a journey.  One where I had to critically assess whether or not my need for labels as a form of validation was preventing me from seeing the truth all this time.

I dont, and never had, Borderline Personality Disorder.


A more likely scenario, as I look back over everything that happened is that I have a decent anxiety disorder and had an obsession with reciprocal emotional connectivity.  Which completely makes sense considering the "incident" that turned my world upside down in 2009.

We could even escalate the decent anxiety disorder into "helicopter parenting and being medicated since I was *5* FOR EVERYTHING prevented coping skills from forming for certain strong emotions like: Anger, Fear, Rejection."  It was fear of these panic attacks or "episodes" that led to other concurrent behaviors like fear of losing my friends when I would be erratic.  It wasn't even until last November I realized that the "borderline episodes" I thought I was experiencing were in fact, regular panic attacks, and once I put those pieces together and refined my lifestyle they're almost completely gone. So add in a mix of "unrecognized panic attacks leading to erratic behavior" and the idea that "Laura grew up during her early 20's instead of during high school because she was so busy doing an associates degree at the same time, didn't learn cognitive behavioral processes through friendships and was medicated the the point of numbness that her developmental processes were delayed in terms of appropriate social interaction" and you get... Me!

Having been misdiagnosed, (or not even diagnosed) is moderately troubling for me.  The lady who diagnosed me doesn't even work at the place I got diagnosed from anymore and I found out she wasn't there very long.   The problem with Borderline, is its not a chemical malfunction, its a distorted sense of self.  Its YOU who are broken and the cure for it is to dismantle yourself and rebuild yourself correctly which is fairly hard to do when everything is a crisis in your life.  I am angry for all the tears I shed since 2012.  I am angry for all the self hate and shame I put myself through. I didn't dismantle myself gently, I hacked at my sense of self with a machete and tore everything I knew about myself away.  I lived for 5 years, afraid of this monster I thought lived within me that was capable of destroying others.   This was a daily thought process, the shadow that followed me around all the time.   I developed a paranoia, [a fear of myself. ].

AND I DIDN'T NEED TO.  SO MUCH FUCKING EFFORT PUT INTO MY SELF DESTRUCTION, SELF BLAME, THE TEARS I CRIED WHEN I SLIPPED UP SLIGHTLY DOING THINGS I'M LEARNING THAT EVERY SINGLE OTHER PERSON ON THIS PLANET DOES.  I'M NORMAL.  I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO EXPLAIN THE DEPTH OF SELF LOATHING I HAVE TOWARDS THE PART OF ME WHO ALLOWED MYSELF TO BE CONVINCED I WAS SO BROKEN THAT I NEEDED TO BETRAY MY IDENTITY AND SELF LOVE IN ORDER TO *FEEL* LOVED.

I let myself believe, that I could never be loved.  


But.

Something did come out of this. Something WAS wrong, something WAS broken. Too many times I completely fell apart.  I don't know what.  100% of the people who have been around me through out this entire process will completely admit that there is a fundamental processing change in me.  That the growth over the last 8 years has been exponential.  That my emotional intelligence and self completeness is off the charts. And it was all oriented around this obsession with *fixing* myself.

Pieces of the research I did in my panicky fury to care for myself and make people love me again were important to my core.  I "outgrew" the borderline diagnosis probably about 2 years ago, which made the diagnosis become a crutch.  Something my brilliant ex boyfriend intuited about me while dating me 8 months ago.  AND OH THE DIFFERENCE IT HAS MADE.    To unshackle myself from this cage I put myself in, and to utilize all the self discipline and self training I did while I was in that cage, I'm a freaking bird.   I have never flown so strongly, or been so stable.

I've learned to not react to everything.  That not (most) everything isn't about me but is someone else's reality.  I learned to be intentional with my decisions instead of being dragged behind my reactivity.
To pause and reflect
To channel the emotions, (like the force) instead of controlling them.
I've gained self awareness that is off the charts.
I intuitively understand others in ways most of the population can't.
I've learned to be accurate about my own internal landscape.
I'd like to think I'm more emotionally intelligent than many many people.
I'm stable.
I refuse to play games with people.  If there's a game to be played, I refuse.  Be it dating or friendships.
I love my emotions.  They are there for a reason and I wouldn't trade them for anything.

Probably the most important lesson I learned was [here. ] The ability to "insert" myself in between every one of my connecting thoughts to validate its necessity led to most of the [further discoveries] and understandings within my mind.  Going back and understanding that most of my previous behaviors were pushed and motivated by panic attacks, and my inability to resolve or recognize what was happening makes me feel better about my behavior, but angry I didn't figure this all out sooner.

I don't know.  I guess I hope I made a difference in lives.   I may not have conquered BPD, but I did in a way conquer a very strong anxiety disorder, and reorganized my brain into something beautiful.  And I like this Laura much better than the old Laura, even though I sit with my own betrayal of how I let myself be so destructive to myself. And I guess I'm still sorting out what everything has been for the past 8 years.  What I've done to myself, What was helpful what was destructive.

I'm on no meds, (except very needed adderall) I have adjusted my lifestyle and have been pretty unhindered by any sign of mental illness with the exception of general anxiety from time to time.  If I had borderline before, I would seen as cured for the last several months of my life, even longer had I not been using the label I clung to so dearly as a source of 'strength' But what do I do with myself when I don't have this over arching end goal of "beating the borderline?"

(Apparently I turn my apartment into a spaceship)

Dear Borderlines:

I cannot say I know what's going on with you. Because I don't.  But I do know, that the process works, and the nature of success is in your hands. YOU CAN DO IT.  And I will be your first line of support all the way.  Every single one of you who have ever messaged me for help, for someone to sit with you, in your desperation to find someone who would accept you, I will still give you hope, and I will still shine the light on your path when you cannot see it yourself.  Love yourself.  You can fly just like I can.

Love,
Me.


Reactions:

4 thoughts :

Suikodin said...

Aspergers.

I only found out about it a couple years ago, and instantly realized I had it. It explained OH SO MUCH of my past/present.

A few months ago I came across something that reminded me of you, and realized Aspergers may help you as well. Unfortunately I had trouble getting myself to bring it up to someone I hadn't spoken with for ... 11 years?

There used to be a really good website explaining the traits (a good breakdown of strengths/weaknesses), but I don't think it exists anymore. http://www.aane.org/women-asperger-profiles/ will have to do for now. For me, just learning about it changed my life from a 3 -> 6.

The misdiagnosis, anxiety, and frustration all point to Aspergers (not to mention what I remember of our child/teen years). I'll eat a used tennis shoe if I'm wrong.

-Aaron Decker

Mrs. J said...


Now you're getting it Laura. Proud of you for maturing as you have, and I hope to work with you in the future. I too have a career path in cyber security with my eyes set on Google or Facebook. You're a very fun, playful person and I'm glad to see you've found freedom from negative labels.

Stay nerdy, my friend.


-The Captain

Ben said...

FYI, I think I found your hyperlink issue. This piece on line 45 of Identification.html: .post a{color:#555}. Because it is more specific ".post" it overrides all of your other formatting for "a".

Sammy Clareson said...

I remember Beth from your freshman year! And I remember your online dating profile!

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