Borderline Dump
“I wаs juѕt wondering if, when you got cured оf BPD, or at ӏеast wеrе wеӏӏ on tһе way to recovery, wһether уou wеre аbӏe tо heal аny of thе relationships that уоu hаd lost becauѕе of BPD issues? I hаѵе sо mаny of thоѕe relationships, people that I miss and wіѕh werе back іn my life. And if yоu did, I’d be interested in knowing hоw you went аbоut dоing that. Thanks а lot.” - Someone with BPD
The Shrink yesterday diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder. Like, a clear case. And while I am happy to have a definition and a potential path to less pain, its disheartening. I.have.Borderline. I have what is known as one of the hardest things to fix. And what leads several people to suicide because of frustration. See the end of this blogpost to see why this is painful to me. Who wants to be around a borderline? Who wants to date, love or be friends with a borderline?
Everything that I am right now is bandaged and bridged over the gaps that everyone else has. And its coming to the point where its all falling apart internally. My reality is being challenged. The way that I see myself and the world is incorrect.
BYU comp clinic referenced the idea that I had Borderline on the phone based on the experiences I described of myself, so they referred me to someone else. Without saying anything about borderline, I got myself an appointment, and they gave me to a doctor who diagnosed me with borderline. In fact, she "loves borderlines, they are the funnest people to treat" and suspects this is why the director keeps giving borderline patients.
So without saying anything, I was directed to the doctor in the clinic who has *the most* experience with borderlines and LOVES to treat them. This has *GOT* to be a sign that I'm on the right path finally.
She went so far as to 'diagnose' me with depression, so that my insurance would cover my treatment, cause most, if any, insurances won't cover what I have.
She was also impressed with how self aware I am, and how much discernment I have of the origin of thoughts and the control I have.
Unfortunately I have no idea how much control I have left as I'm unravelling around the edges. From here on out, are statements I have collected that describe me. I have blog posts I could link to things, experiences you have discerned concerning Nathaniel, and Cory. Feelings of Abandonment from my friends. Fear. Paranoia. Pain. And even THIS. This describes aspects of BDP that I hadn't recognized, yet shows my self awareness as I analyze myself internally.
Anyways. Here are my pieces.
emotional hemophilia; [a borderline] lacks the clotting mechanism needed to moderate his spurts of feeling. Stimulate a passion, and the borderline emotionally bleeds to death."
"I have a hard time figuring out my personality. I tend to be whomever I'm with."
"Borderlines can describe themselves for five hours without your getting a realistic picture of what they're like."
Many professionals are turned-off by working with people with this disorder, because it draws on many negative feelings from the clinician
People who are sometimes diagnosed with borderline personality disorder experience extreme swings in their emotions, see the world in black-and-white shades, and seem to always be jumping from one crisis to another. Because few people understand such reactions — most of all their own family and a childhood that emphasized invalidation — they don’t have any methods for coping with these sudden, intense surges of emotion.
The complex symptoms of the disorder often make patients difficult to treat and therefore may evoke feelings of anger and frustration in professionals trying to help, with the result that many professionals are often unwilling to make the diagnosis or treat persons with these symptoms. These problems have been aggravated by the lack of appropriate insurance coverage for the extended psychosocial treatments that BPD usually requires
Borderlines are born with an innate biological tendency to react more intensely to lower levels of stress than others and to take longer to recover. They peak "higher" emotionally on less provocation and take longer coming down. In addition, they were raised in environments in which their beliefs about themselves and their environment were continually devalued and invalidated. These factors combine to create adults who are uncertain of the truth of their own feelings and who are confronted by three basic dialectics they have failed to master (and thus rush frantically from pole to pole of):
- vulnerability vs invalidation
- active passivity (tendency to be passive when confronted with a problem and actively seek a rescuer) vs apparent competence (appearing to be capable when in reality internally things are falling apart)
- unremitting crises vs inhibited grief.
People with BPD are often bright, witty, funny, life of the party.
They may have problems with object constancy. When a person leaves (even temporarily), they may have a problem recreating or remembering feelings of love that were present between themselves and the other. Often, BPD patients want to keep something belonging to the loved one around during separations.
They frequently have difficulty tolerating aloneness, even for short periods of time.
Their lives may be a chaotic landscape of job losses, interrupted educational pursuits, broken engagements, hospitalizations.
Many have a background of childhood physical, sexual, or emotional abuse or physical/emotional neglect.
Borderline personality disorder is a condition in which people have long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions, such as feelings about themselves and others.
These inner experiences often cause them to take impulsive actions and have chaotic relationships
People with BPD are often uncertain about their identity. As a result, their interests and values may change rapidly.
People with BPD also tend to see things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad. Their views of other people may change quickly. A person who is looked up to one day may be looked down on the next day. These suddenly shifting feelings often lead to intense and unstable relationships
Other symptoms of BPD include:
Fear of being abandoned
•Feelings of emptiness and boredom
•Frequent displays of inappropriate anger
•Impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge eating, or shoplifting
•Intolerance of being alone
•Repeated crises and acts of self-injury, such as wrist cutting or overdosing
Studies suggest that individuals with BPD tend to experience frequent, strong and long-lasting states of aversive tension, often triggered by perceived rejection, being alone or perceived failure.[n 3] Individuals with BPD may show lability (changeability) between anger and anxiety or between depression and anxiety[7] and temperamental sensitivity to emotive stimuli.
Individuals with BPD can be very sensitive to the way others treat them, reacting strongly to perceived criticism or hurtfulness. Their feelings about others often shift from positive to negative, generally after a disappointment or perceived threat of losing someone. Self-image can also change rapidly from extremely positive to extremely negative
Borderline personality disorder was once classified as a subset of schizophrenia (describing patients with borderline schizophrenic tendencies).
Individuals with BPD are often described, including by some mental health professionals (and in the DSM-IV),[13] as deliberately manipulative or difficult, but analysis and findings generally trace behaviors to inner pain and turmoil, powerlessness and defensive reactions, or limited coping and communication skills.[14][15][n 4] There has been limited research on family members' understanding of borderline personality disorder and the extent of burden or negative emotion experienced or expressed by family members
A person with this disorder will also often exhibit impulsive behaviors and have a majority of the following symptoms:
•Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment -
(The perception of impending separation or rejection, or the loss of external structure, can lead to profound changes in self-image, emotion, thinking and behavior. Someone with borderline personality disorder will be very sensitive to things happening around them in their environment. They experience intense abandonment fears and inappropriate anger, even when faced with a realistic separation or when there are unavoidable changes in plans. For instance, becoming very angry with someone for being a few minutes late or having to cancel a lunch date. People with borderline personality disorder may believe that this abandonment implies that they are “bad.” These abandonment fears are related to an intolerance of being alone and a need to have other people with them. Their frantic efforts to avoid abandonment may include impulsive actions such as self-mutilating or suicidal behaviors.)
- Splitting: the self and others are viewed as "all good" or "all bad." Someone with BPD said, "One day I would think my doctor was the best and I loved her, but if she challenged me in any way I hated her. There was no middle ground as in like. In my world, people were either the best or the worst. I couldn't understand the concept of middle ground."
- Alternating clinging and distancing behaviors (I Hate You, Don't Leave Me). Sometimes you want to be close to someone. But when you get close it feels TOO close and you feel like you have to get some space. This happens often.
- Great difficulty trusting people and themselves. Early trust may have been shattered by people who were close to you.
- Sensitivity to criticism or rejection.
- Feeling of "needing" someone else to survive
- Heavy need for affection and reassurance
- Some people with BPD may have an unusually high degree of interpersonal sensitivity, insight and empathy
•A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
(People with borderline personality disorder may idealize potential caregivers or lovers at the first or second meeting, demand to spend a lot of time together, and share the most intimate details early in a relationship. However, they may switch quickly from idealizing other people to devaluing them, feeling that the other person does not care enough, does not give enough, is not “there” enough. These individuals can empathize with and nurture other people, but only with the expectation that the other person will “be there” in return to meet their own needs on demand. These individuals are prone to sudden and dramatic shifts in their view of others, who may alternately be seen as beneficient supports or as cruelly punitive. Such shifts other reflect disillusionment with a caregiver whose nurturing qualities had been idealized or whose rejection or abandonment is expected.)
•Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
(There are sudden and dramatic shifts in self-image, characterized by shifting goals, values and vocational aspirations. There may be sudden changes in opinions and plans about career, sexual identity, values and types of friends. These individuals may suddenly change from the role of a needy supplicant for help to a righteous avenger of past mistreatment. Although they usually have a self-image that is based on being bad or evil, individuals with borderline personality disorder may at times have feelings that they do not exist at all. Such experiences usually occur in situations in which the individual feels a lack of a meaningful relationship, nurturing and support. These individuals may show worse performance in unstructured work or school situations. )
•Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
•Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
•Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
•Chronic feelings of emptiness
•Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
•Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms
Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder may display affective instability that is due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days). The basic dysphoric mood of those with Borderline Personality Disorder is often disrupted by periods of anger, panic, or despair and is rarely relieved by periods of well-being or satisfaction. These episodes may reflect the individual’s extreme reactivity to interpersonal stresses.
Some researchers, believe that BPD is a name given to a particular manifestation of post-traumatic stress disorder
0 thoughts :
Post a Comment