Dump
I can't... live through the emotion. I need help and I don't know where to go. I'm trapped and recognize I'm in a state of psychosis. But recognizing the psychosis isn't enough to get out of it. This is a scary place. I'm trying to brain dump every time this happens.
All I can understand in my jumbled thought processes is how much I miss Cory. I could really use his dry humor and sarcasm right now.
No wonder I made an imaginary world to immerse myself in daily. The real world is scary for people like me. There's so much pain out here.
6 thoughts :
Cory again? Seriously? THIS IS WHY YOU NEED TO MOVE AWAY. Staying in Utah around emotional triggers is not helping you. You can't handle it. Get away from the same old people and thinking patterns that elevate this twisted cycle.
"It's an odd thing to think about, but try imagining that your breakup is a disease. If you were told that you had a serious yet curable disease, would you go get hammered on a regular basis? Eat two bags of Oreos? Chain-smoke, pop, pills, get stoned, or fuck around? NO YOU WOULDN'T. You would take great care of yourself and cut all the unhealthy things out of your life. Because you love yourself, and even if you don't right now, WE DO. So put the (insert vice here) and start moving on."
--Someone much smarter than I am.
“But what I can do is paint you a picture of what you’ll never see when you’re with a guy who’s really into you: You’ll never see you staring maniacally at your phone, willing it to ring. You’ll never see you ruining an evening with friends because you’re calling for your messages every fifteen seconds. You’ll never see you hating yourself for calling him when you know you shouldn’t have. What you will see is you being treated so well that no phone antics will be necessary. You’ll be too busy being adored.”
Let me tell you it is SO much better to be best friends with, date, and then marry someone who likes you for you, warts and all. Someone who you don't *have* to change for, but you *want* to change for the better anyway because they inspire you. Who you don't have to "figure out", who doesn't play head games with you, who is never too busy to pick up the phone. Who doesn't have a harem of female "friends" that he "comforts" or leans on for emotional support himself, when he should be comforting and leaning on you.
You're addicted the fear-love cycle. You're confusing the anxiety of being whipped around on a "he loves, he loves me not" rollercoaster as him "understanding" you and being the "only person" who can fix your troubled mind. Being with an emotionally volatile friend/lover can be exciting, yes. Rollercoasters are exciting. You can't LIVE day to day on a rollercoaster.
Once you recognize the worth of emotional security and 100% mutual affection, you won't feel the need to run back to that love-lust rollercoaster for the next cheap thrill.
Don't think that it's all your fault and if you weren't crazy that things would have worked out. You don't have that kind of control. Accept that it didn't work out and it will never work out. I know in the back of your head somewhere you think "if only I can make myself different, we'll be friends again." You're just wallowing in the mud. There are millions of people on this earth, you can and will find someone better for you.
i think the previous comments address how stupid the "solution" you present here is. fix yourself, stop relying on somebody you hates you. it is not going to happen.
There wasn't even a solution here. Just a brain dump during an anxiety attack. I was encouraged to write during them. So I did. At the time, I realized how much I missed someone who really did seem to understand and accept me and was the most patient person I knew.
That was all.
No reliance. And no, I can't think of anyone who hates me. Cory doesn't hate me, just prefers no interaction.
Working on fixing myself.... doesn't happen when I'm detached from reality. Which actually literally happens to us.
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