Where
I... am a chameleon. Several of my friends will attest to this. Donny for example, who seems to bounce from group of friends to the next with me, can confirm that my personality changes with the people I'm with. There seems to be 2 reasons for this -
Natalia theorizes that I am good at making myself comfortable around others. It likens me to them, and therefore am able to help them more.
I personally think that its the Borderline. If I mimick them, and behave in a way that suits them, it lessens the idea that someone will hate me for randomness and other stuffs.
The problem is, who am I really? I am hidden under layers of codependency, and borderline. And its many years in the making. Who isn't really the question, its where. I'm in there somewhere.
I take a personality test, and it asks the question:
"I like being around people" Yes No.
And I want to answer yes. But is it because I want to be around people? Or because the Borderline makes me to afraid to be alone for long periods of time? Do you get my dillema? I've adopted certain... behaviors that I learned from others in order to be similar, that I've recently figured out have not always been the case. I like cinnamon over mint because Cory liked Cinnamon over mint. I'm pretty sure I started out Gaming because I knew it was attractive and somewhat unique for guys.
James watched on our date on Friday as I jumped through one personality to another, meshing with both him, and his brother, his nephew, his niece and his sister in law. And then Alyssa. Alyssa has Retts syndrome. 8 month brain in an 8 year old body, and I communicated with her as well.
But that leaves the question, where's my baseline? What is me?
And that has been the puzzle that James has been trying to figure out ever since he met me.
He knows I'm Borderline. In fact, he has asked several times to be contacted when I'm Borderlining because he wants to see it. (fat chance)
Last night he asked me what was new in my life.
I responded with a quick comment about the fact that I had spoken to Nathaniel for the first time in a long time.
He remarked that Nathaniel seemed special to me and wanted to know more.
And I became wistful, looking off into the distance as I retold the story of #boy and how he helped me get on the path to therapy. I described the pain at the loss of his friendship as he attempted to get his own life back on track, and the joy of hearing from him again, knowing that we were still friends.
I looked over at James, and he grinned, and he was like.. "I think I found a baseline. I caught a glimpse of you."
me: O.o what are you talking about? What'd you see? I don't even know who I am.
"You care so much about your relations with others. You have this gaping hole that needs to be filled and you make meaningful connections in an attempt to fill it. The question is, what created the hole?"
I blinked at him. The Answer was easy. "Cory. Cory inadvertantly created the hole. Until we broke up, I didn't know what rejection of any kind was like. I was carefree, I was happy. I could be alone for long periods of times, and sometimes I preferred it. And then my whole reality shattered when Cory and I broke up that I haven't recovered from. I don't think it was him specifically either, I think any major rejection like that would have done it. And then reality shattered, everyone became an enemy.That one night filled with panic and anxiety all night long. I was begging my dad for another blessing at 2 am after that break up, and then called Cory to talk to me at 5 am to calm me down. Music wasn't doing anything. I was an utter mess the next day I had to go onto sedatives. And from then on I started questioning and disbelieving everything to the point where he couldn't even handle being friends with me.... twice. "
Emotion twisted through my voice, and my words were intensified. Releasing stuff that hasn't been released in years, that I looked away to hide my tears only to have his hand catch my face to bring it back so he could look at me. And his eyes caught mine, his beautiful blue eyes and he had a small smile on his face, and he said, "There you are, its nice to see you"
And then he kissed me.
This boy is different. He keeps digging, to find the girl who was lost so many years ago, who's many defense mechanisms have hidden her from the world.
Natalia theorizes that I am good at making myself comfortable around others. It likens me to them, and therefore am able to help them more.
I personally think that its the Borderline. If I mimick them, and behave in a way that suits them, it lessens the idea that someone will hate me for randomness and other stuffs.
The problem is, who am I really? I am hidden under layers of codependency, and borderline. And its many years in the making. Who isn't really the question, its where. I'm in there somewhere.
I take a personality test, and it asks the question:
"I like being around people" Yes No.
And I want to answer yes. But is it because I want to be around people? Or because the Borderline makes me to afraid to be alone for long periods of time? Do you get my dillema? I've adopted certain... behaviors that I learned from others in order to be similar, that I've recently figured out have not always been the case. I like cinnamon over mint because Cory liked Cinnamon over mint. I'm pretty sure I started out Gaming because I knew it was attractive and somewhat unique for guys.
James watched on our date on Friday as I jumped through one personality to another, meshing with both him, and his brother, his nephew, his niece and his sister in law. And then Alyssa. Alyssa has Retts syndrome. 8 month brain in an 8 year old body, and I communicated with her as well.
But that leaves the question, where's my baseline? What is me?
And that has been the puzzle that James has been trying to figure out ever since he met me.
He knows I'm Borderline. In fact, he has asked several times to be contacted when I'm Borderlining because he wants to see it. (fat chance)
Last night he asked me what was new in my life.
I responded with a quick comment about the fact that I had spoken to Nathaniel for the first time in a long time.
He remarked that Nathaniel seemed special to me and wanted to know more.
And I became wistful, looking off into the distance as I retold the story of #boy and how he helped me get on the path to therapy. I described the pain at the loss of his friendship as he attempted to get his own life back on track, and the joy of hearing from him again, knowing that we were still friends.
I looked over at James, and he grinned, and he was like.. "I think I found a baseline. I caught a glimpse of you."
me: O.o what are you talking about? What'd you see? I don't even know who I am.
"You care so much about your relations with others. You have this gaping hole that needs to be filled and you make meaningful connections in an attempt to fill it. The question is, what created the hole?"
I blinked at him. The Answer was easy. "Cory. Cory inadvertantly created the hole. Until we broke up, I didn't know what rejection of any kind was like. I was carefree, I was happy. I could be alone for long periods of times, and sometimes I preferred it. And then my whole reality shattered when Cory and I broke up that I haven't recovered from. I don't think it was him specifically either, I think any major rejection like that would have done it. And then reality shattered, everyone became an enemy.That one night filled with panic and anxiety all night long. I was begging my dad for another blessing at 2 am after that break up, and then called Cory to talk to me at 5 am to calm me down. Music wasn't doing anything. I was an utter mess the next day I had to go onto sedatives. And from then on I started questioning and disbelieving everything to the point where he couldn't even handle being friends with me.... twice. "
Emotion twisted through my voice, and my words were intensified. Releasing stuff that hasn't been released in years, that I looked away to hide my tears only to have his hand catch my face to bring it back so he could look at me. And his eyes caught mine, his beautiful blue eyes and he had a small smile on his face, and he said, "There you are, its nice to see you"
And then he kissed me.
This boy is different. He keeps digging, to find the girl who was lost so many years ago, who's many defense mechanisms have hidden her from the world.
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