A Letter to my 24 year old self
Hey Beautiful. At 6:57pm, May 7th, 2012, you turned 24.
You're a daughter of God. You know that right? You always will be. Remember the blessing that Xander gave you on the eve of your birthday. "God is proud. No matter the outcome." I was uniquely chosen for the trials that I have, and they are *very* unique. And someday, the reasons I have them will make sense, and I'll help others. The Trials I go through are for my own good. And every time I weep, God weeps with me. And someday, you will Conquer your brain.
Remember your 23rd year. No matter how much Hell it was. From Losing your job, to having your stuff stolen. You learned alot. You got your diagnosis. The final condition that needed to be met. Remember, that nothing you did would have succeeded without that diagnosis.
You learned you were Borderline. And you had a purpose in doing so. Already you have many people who have learned of your diagnosis and you have people daily asking for help on how to help those they love with the same ailment. But you need to remember that not everyone will want to be around you. Whether its because of the borderline itself, or because they don't want to. And you need to learn to cope with this.
You learned what it was like to be Loved and accepted. You learned what it was like to have someone lie. Again, and again. You learned that people change their mind, and still have yet to accept that its not always your fault, even though you will always shadow the burden so that no one else will have to.
You learned not to put yourself in financial trouble trying to help others.
You learned that your friends love you. No matter how much of a monster you become. That Xander, and Kristen, and Christopher, and Danny and Rachelle still talk to you daily. And Socorro and Karl who have been with you since the beginning, borderlining on them when they first started dating, still love and accept you, and hope for the best. No matter what rejection you might feel, percieved or real, they love you. And they've been throught the fires and are still there.
You learned that people are monsters, and even armed with that knowledge, you still manage to instinctively find good in others. Haven't yet decided if that's a flaw or not, seeing as I keep burning myself.
You are a brave brave person to go through what you do on a daily place. The world is a scary place when you live on the edge of psychosis. Remember that God is always with you, even if not physically. You are never alone. Read your scriptures. Remember to pray. Every night.
Remember to say thank you. You can never show too much gratitude.
Stay in therapy. You will never find the relief or the relationships you want until you can conquer the rejection. Remember Nathaniel. You succeeded with him. Cory is no different. And whatever the outcome that comes with the meeting later today, you are still loved, whether he says WILL NOT CHANGE THAT. EVER. You were promised a strength, stronger than anything you've ever experienced. That's internal, and does not rely on what others are.
Try to leave your imaginary world behind. You have real friends. Online and off. You don't need the made up ones in your head. You made those when you were alone. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
You learned that people change their mind, no matter what you do. Comparing Nathaniel with Cory, similar situations, completely different behaviors, the same thing happend. So why worry if your behavior is going to cause it to happen? Don't stress it and just be yourself. Sometimes there's nothing you can do at all. And its not your fault. The majority of the time its not your fault. So don't let your self esteem suffer because of things out of your control, and revel in being yourself. You are a borderline with a purpose. And most of your sympathy for others wouldn't have come had you not been borderline.
Do not fear. You have great things ahead of you. You've seen this in your patriarchal blessing as well as other blessings. and He is out there... looking for you. Just like you're looking for him. Just make sure you're ready when you meet up.
Life could be much simpler. But really, would you want it to be that way? We both know Nathaniel was totally worth it. As was Cory. Opposite sides of the same coin. Without either of them you wouldn't be where you are now. In therapy with a recovery plan. And you wouldn't be in self awareness that your subconscious leaps in joy for.
Remember God loves you. He always will and is aware of you and your problems. And he is Proud. SO proud, even if no one else is. Even if no one else can see the strides you make daily in conquering a mental illness, He does. And that's all that matters.
Love yourself. Accept yourself. Be yourself.
Make this a great year.
Love,
Your 23 year old self.
You're a daughter of God. You know that right? You always will be. Remember the blessing that Xander gave you on the eve of your birthday. "God is proud. No matter the outcome." I was uniquely chosen for the trials that I have, and they are *very* unique. And someday, the reasons I have them will make sense, and I'll help others. The Trials I go through are for my own good. And every time I weep, God weeps with me. And someday, you will Conquer your brain.
Remember your 23rd year. No matter how much Hell it was. From Losing your job, to having your stuff stolen. You learned alot. You got your diagnosis. The final condition that needed to be met. Remember, that nothing you did would have succeeded without that diagnosis.
You learned you were Borderline. And you had a purpose in doing so. Already you have many people who have learned of your diagnosis and you have people daily asking for help on how to help those they love with the same ailment. But you need to remember that not everyone will want to be around you. Whether its because of the borderline itself, or because they don't want to. And you need to learn to cope with this.
You learned what it was like to be Loved and accepted. You learned what it was like to have someone lie. Again, and again. You learned that people change their mind, and still have yet to accept that its not always your fault, even though you will always shadow the burden so that no one else will have to.
You learned not to put yourself in financial trouble trying to help others.
You learned that your friends love you. No matter how much of a monster you become. That Xander, and Kristen, and Christopher, and Danny and Rachelle still talk to you daily. And Socorro and Karl who have been with you since the beginning, borderlining on them when they first started dating, still love and accept you, and hope for the best. No matter what rejection you might feel, percieved or real, they love you. And they've been throught the fires and are still there.
You learned that people are monsters, and even armed with that knowledge, you still manage to instinctively find good in others. Haven't yet decided if that's a flaw or not, seeing as I keep burning myself.
You are a brave brave person to go through what you do on a daily place. The world is a scary place when you live on the edge of psychosis. Remember that God is always with you, even if not physically. You are never alone. Read your scriptures. Remember to pray. Every night.
Remember to say thank you. You can never show too much gratitude.
Stay in therapy. You will never find the relief or the relationships you want until you can conquer the rejection. Remember Nathaniel. You succeeded with him. Cory is no different. And whatever the outcome that comes with the meeting later today, you are still loved, whether he says WILL NOT CHANGE THAT. EVER. You were promised a strength, stronger than anything you've ever experienced. That's internal, and does not rely on what others are.
Try to leave your imaginary world behind. You have real friends. Online and off. You don't need the made up ones in your head. You made those when you were alone. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
You learned that people change their mind, no matter what you do. Comparing Nathaniel with Cory, similar situations, completely different behaviors, the same thing happend. So why worry if your behavior is going to cause it to happen? Don't stress it and just be yourself. Sometimes there's nothing you can do at all. And its not your fault. The majority of the time its not your fault. So don't let your self esteem suffer because of things out of your control, and revel in being yourself. You are a borderline with a purpose. And most of your sympathy for others wouldn't have come had you not been borderline.
Do not fear. You have great things ahead of you. You've seen this in your patriarchal blessing as well as other blessings. and He is out there... looking for you. Just like you're looking for him. Just make sure you're ready when you meet up.
Life could be much simpler. But really, would you want it to be that way? We both know Nathaniel was totally worth it. As was Cory. Opposite sides of the same coin. Without either of them you wouldn't be where you are now. In therapy with a recovery plan. And you wouldn't be in self awareness that your subconscious leaps in joy for.
Remember God loves you. He always will and is aware of you and your problems. And he is Proud. SO proud, even if no one else is. Even if no one else can see the strides you make daily in conquering a mental illness, He does. And that's all that matters.
Love yourself. Accept yourself. Be yourself.
Make this a great year.
Love,
Your 23 year old self.
2 thoughts :
Well, it's not healthy to assume nothing is your fault, but at the same time it's not healthy to dwell on past mistakes either. The past can't be changed, the future can. Acknowledge the past, live in the present, plan for the future. This is repentance, this is change, this is overcoming overgrown pathways to seek out the pathways filled with light, even if they are inside our minds.
(Note: the comment is the same that was deleted, just decided to add more lines to it.)
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