Cutting
This has been my thoughts for the majority of the morning and my dilemma. Any thoughts are appreciated.
I've been exploring Tumblr. There is a huge majority of Borderline and people of the mental variety on it. And I can see the appeal. Pictures and single sentences that have meaning to those who see it. Depressing as it is, it helps to know others out there experience and can put into words what I feel, and that I'm not alone.
In exploring in the last 2 days, I have found the majority of people out there cut. They all cut their wrists and bodies and faces and arms.
I remember my horror when I was under the impression that an ex of mine used to cut. It should have been a no brainer. DON'T CUT!
Except is it? Cutting oneself is 'an outward expression of inward pain' or so I quote my shift manager.
I don't cut. It may have been because I was never exposed to it. My 'addiction' is to lash out verbally. To say SOMETHING about the pain I feel, and the helplessness of the situation.
As i analyze the situations, I find that I say what I say, in hopes that someone changes their mind and sides with me, or removes the percieved rejection. If I'm not careful and watching myself, this can be done through anger, manipulation or other means. What seems like an outward attack really is an 'outward expression of inward pain'
Essentially I'm doing what I do for the same reason others cut themselves.
Because sometimes you just NEED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT WHAT'S INSIDE. Its a panic. A phobia. GET RID OF IT GET IT OUT! Its so hard to deal with it, on top of everything else you deal with. (see previous post)
Its conditioned, I believe. In the past, when I did something similar, my pain was relieved by others actions. Thus, doing what I do has the expectation that it will somehow fix itself, and even the act of just saying something, whether anyone response, relieves some of the problem. I don't worry about it anymore at that point.
For me its a conflict. Do I say something, thus relieving myself of some of the excess emotion, thus doing something about it, and venting the excess emotion that I can't cope with, outwardly hurting others, and pushing them away? For others looking at me, its a no brainer. I am addicted to speaking based on past conditions that got me what I want.
If you go for a long time without water and food, and are given some, you'll dash for it. Yes, you can have control if you think about it, but if you are THAT hungry and THAT thirsty, your priority is to relieve that, rather than look dignified while you do it. Maybe with practice.
My practice is supposed to take effect between 6 months to a year.
I digress.
Whatever leads people to cut themselves is the same as what leads me to verbally speak out. What the cutting does however, I don't know, but other than self hate, it obviously works for them because they go back to it. Its an unhealthy solution for a problem that has no answer. But then again, so is mine.
But I've always told myself I'd rather have physical pain than mental.
Here's my dilemma. I'll explain it via cycle:
-percieved rejection happens.
-Stews over it, it builds up.
-verbal addiction occurs.
-people back away and get mad. (and sometimes leave forever)
-more percieved rejection.
-cycle restarts.
There's no progression here, it seems. Mentally there is. I get closer and closer to succeeding on the big things each time. Last time I did amazing.
But here's a different cycle.
-percieved rejection happens.
-stews over it, it builds up.
-Relinquishes pain via silent activity. (Cutting being a potential candidate here)
-Friends have no clue, and continue talking
-less percieved rejection.
-The need for silent activity goes away over time.
-Still have friends.
I already self hate.
But I would have friends.
This used to be a no brainer. But when compared with my normal activities and the reactions from those around me.... it may be a better choice. The lesser of 2 evils for my situation.
Borderlines are called borderlines because they're on the edge of psychosis. The borderline of it. Maybe that's why they cut. To see reality for what it is, and not for the monsters that appear in their heads.
Am I falling back into my psychosis from last year?
Which is a better 'outward expression of an inward pain?' Destroying others, or destroying myself with the goal of stopping at some point?
That's not a no brainer anymore.
But the latter, based on my situation, is much more appealing.
And you might say: LAURA. YOU KNOW BETTER! But I don't. Not with my brain. If it means suffering the pain of self hate vs the fear of losing those I love, I don't know better. I need a hobby.
I've been exploring Tumblr. There is a huge majority of Borderline and people of the mental variety on it. And I can see the appeal. Pictures and single sentences that have meaning to those who see it. Depressing as it is, it helps to know others out there experience and can put into words what I feel, and that I'm not alone.
In exploring in the last 2 days, I have found the majority of people out there cut. They all cut their wrists and bodies and faces and arms.
I remember my horror when I was under the impression that an ex of mine used to cut. It should have been a no brainer. DON'T CUT!
Except is it? Cutting oneself is 'an outward expression of inward pain' or so I quote my shift manager.
I don't cut. It may have been because I was never exposed to it. My 'addiction' is to lash out verbally. To say SOMETHING about the pain I feel, and the helplessness of the situation.
As i analyze the situations, I find that I say what I say, in hopes that someone changes their mind and sides with me, or removes the percieved rejection. If I'm not careful and watching myself, this can be done through anger, manipulation or other means. What seems like an outward attack really is an 'outward expression of inward pain'
Essentially I'm doing what I do for the same reason others cut themselves.
Because sometimes you just NEED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT WHAT'S INSIDE. Its a panic. A phobia. GET RID OF IT GET IT OUT! Its so hard to deal with it, on top of everything else you deal with. (see previous post)
Its conditioned, I believe. In the past, when I did something similar, my pain was relieved by others actions. Thus, doing what I do has the expectation that it will somehow fix itself, and even the act of just saying something, whether anyone response, relieves some of the problem. I don't worry about it anymore at that point.
For me its a conflict. Do I say something, thus relieving myself of some of the excess emotion, thus doing something about it, and venting the excess emotion that I can't cope with, outwardly hurting others, and pushing them away? For others looking at me, its a no brainer. I am addicted to speaking based on past conditions that got me what I want.
If you go for a long time without water and food, and are given some, you'll dash for it. Yes, you can have control if you think about it, but if you are THAT hungry and THAT thirsty, your priority is to relieve that, rather than look dignified while you do it. Maybe with practice.
My practice is supposed to take effect between 6 months to a year.
I digress.
Whatever leads people to cut themselves is the same as what leads me to verbally speak out. What the cutting does however, I don't know, but other than self hate, it obviously works for them because they go back to it. Its an unhealthy solution for a problem that has no answer. But then again, so is mine.
But I've always told myself I'd rather have physical pain than mental.
Here's my dilemma. I'll explain it via cycle:
-percieved rejection happens.
-Stews over it, it builds up.
-verbal addiction occurs.
-people back away and get mad. (and sometimes leave forever)
-more percieved rejection.
-cycle restarts.
There's no progression here, it seems. Mentally there is. I get closer and closer to succeeding on the big things each time. Last time I did amazing.
But here's a different cycle.
-percieved rejection happens.
-stews over it, it builds up.
-Relinquishes pain via silent activity. (Cutting being a potential candidate here)
-Friends have no clue, and continue talking
-less percieved rejection.
-The need for silent activity goes away over time.
-Still have friends.
I already self hate.
But I would have friends.
This used to be a no brainer. But when compared with my normal activities and the reactions from those around me.... it may be a better choice. The lesser of 2 evils for my situation.
Borderlines are called borderlines because they're on the edge of psychosis. The borderline of it. Maybe that's why they cut. To see reality for what it is, and not for the monsters that appear in their heads.
Am I falling back into my psychosis from last year?
Which is a better 'outward expression of an inward pain?' Destroying others, or destroying myself with the goal of stopping at some point?
That's not a no brainer anymore.
But the latter, based on my situation, is much more appealing.
And you might say: LAURA. YOU KNOW BETTER! But I don't. Not with my brain. If it means suffering the pain of self hate vs the fear of losing those I love, I don't know better. I need a hobby.
4 thoughts :
Cutting won't help you not push people away. Cutting is a way of giving in and saying you have no other way of helping yourself than self-mutilation. Your going to have scars to live with the rest of your life and when your kids ask how you got them are you going to lie? or will you tell them and then let them think it was ok for you to do it cause you couldn't do anything else?
Lol, you like emotional pain, don't you? You're addicted to it. When you lash out at others, you feed off their pain/rejection. For you, it's not physical pain that gives life meaning (sense of reality, desire to feel...), but emotional pain. The pain of loss, of rejection, of being alone.
Imteresting thought. However its untrue. I wouldnt have gone to a therapist seeking answers. Greatest joy so far was boy. Nathaniel. And being pain free for several months.
Addictions aren't a zero sum game. Adding a new one isn't going to replace or solve the old one. It's going to simply add a new one, which will be very difficult to crawl out of. Maladaptive coping mechanisms are never something to be pursued. Don't even go down that path, especially if you've had the blessing to not fall into it before now. Keep fighting the BPD. Your progress may seem like it's small right now, but every day you fight, even if you only gain a centimeter of ground--even if it seems like it's getting worse before it gets better--every day you say "no" (even if it's only for a few seconds, half a second, 1/14th of a second) to those maladaptive coping mechanisms brings you that much closer to healing. Which is absolutely possible. God didn't bring you here to fail. He brought you here to be a divine, eternal being who kicks trash. You're gaining knowledge. You're taking this thing apart from the inside out. That's brave. Be patient. Push forward. There's light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can't see it right now.
Also--mayhaps it would be prudent to study the lives/profiles of borderlines who are on the mend in addition to the ones who are still suffering. Because the goal is not to just be understood but to eventually find healing. Focus on how to heal. People have done it. You seem like the kind of persistent, stubborn, kick-trash person to find that same path to healing.
You will conquer this. It may be a battle you fight every day for the rest of your life, but it will get better and you will prevail. And then you will be able to use that knowledge to teach other people how to do the same.
God bless your journey.
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