Identity Crisis - Codependency
Codependency is unhealthy love and a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others
People who are codependent often take on the role as a martyr; they constantly put other's needs before their own and in doing so forget to take care of themselves. This creates a sense that they are "needed"; they cannot stand the thought of being alone and no one needing them. Codependent people are constantly in search of acceptance.
They no longer have a life of their own, and they may find themselves unable to relate to others in a healthy way, but they don't know why.
The co-dependent becomes so compliant and passive, eager to please the others that s/he really does forget to know what s/he wants/likes/prefers!
Of course, as kids, we try and try to get the response we need from our parents...at least until we give up completely. But we remain always drawn to that same sort of familiar person...an emotionally unavailable person whom we can try to get love from, whom we can try to change. The need to re-play the childhood drama and TRY, TRY, TRY to achieve a different ending is so intense, that it determines even the type of person the co-dependent is drawn to
Because relationships hurt so much, co-dependents are more in touch with the dream of how the relationship COULD be, rather than the reality of the situation.
Accustomed to lack of love in a relationship, co-dependents are willing to wait, hope, and try harder to please.
In the relationship, they fear abandonment and rejection, or they are chronically angry. But outside of a relationship, they feel empty and incomplete. This is because their self-esteem is critically low, and deep inside, there is some sort of belief that they do not deserve the love they seek, they do not deserve to be happy. Rather, they must work to earn the right to be happy
A person who is co-dependent often suffers from a deep sense of worthlessness and anxiety, and tries to derive a sense of self-worth by helping or rescuing others.
Co-dependent people may even feel anxious if someone they have been helping gets their life in order and no longer wants their help.I've tried for MONTHS to figure out what's wrong. And this word was brought to my attention. And it fits, and makes sense.
How many of my friendships are caused by this? How many 'connections' are really things I've modified in my own head to match others?
Nathaniel mentioned once that I seem to 'show off' but in analysis, I'm really trying to prove worth by showing accomplishments and then maybe people will keep me around.
I have paid money time and again to people to dote, feed, take care of, pay rent, gas. I never ask to be paid back because of fear of conflict.
My patriarchal blessing talked about my Generosity. I will be generous and my generosity will be talked about through generations, my children's children will talk about it. So I never gave any 2nd look to my spending habits and how I interacted with people. And now, I'm living at my parents because I couldn't take care of myself like everyone else can.
FOR HEAVENS SAKES, AS I AM LOOKING AT HOUSING CONTRACTS, I'M LOOKING AT THEM IN TERMS OF IF OTHER PEOPLE WILL LIKE IT THERE SO THEY WILL COME PLAY! SPACE, PARKING, ABILITY TO BE REACHED, SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE.
What do I really like? I can't trust anything! What are my real intentions for doing the things I do? They're hidden beneath a brainwashed head full of layers and layers and years and years of believing that that's the only way I can live!
Compliance patterns:
- I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
- I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
- I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
- I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
- I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
- I accept sex and/or sexual attention when I want love. (people wonder why I put up with the sexual attention, and comments that are perverted.)
- I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
- I make decisions without regard to the consequences.
- I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.
Low self-esteem patterns:
- I have difficulty making decisions.
- I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
- I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
- I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
- I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
- I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
- I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve.
- I am jealous of the relationships between others I would like to have as my own.
- I need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and will even lie to look good.
- I look to others to provide my sense of safety.
- I have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.
- I have trouble setting healthy priorities.
And Nathaniel walked away.
He didn't want me.
- You've been hurt by your past, your parents couldn't provide what you needed, and you've hurt for a 'place of being,' a place you could just be and be ok, since then.
- You've tried academics, earning power, nicer things, spending, accomplishments to try to prove your worth so you could maybe have that place, and video games and other distractions to avoid the pain when you couldn't.
- With Cory (and maybe others? The squad?) you became clingy because you saw something like acceptance and were afraid of losing it
- And why wouldn't you be afraid? Your past had shown that love was delicious but fraught with danger and pain.
- And you could only blame yourself when it didn't work. After all, you had to be responsible for what happened. (Or so you felt). Which just made you feel worse.
- You've spent so much time around other unhealthy individuals like Cory and your parents that those thought patterns never found much of a better alternative.
- These patterns of fear and hurt and clinging have made your interactions with others a little more fear-laden and uncomfortable, it's become less about 'want' and more about 'need.' And a relationship driven by need is ... Hell, really.
- And now you're battling your own world. Your fears and doubts tell you you're doing everything wrong, you can't win, why try.
I'm at a place where I'm semi out of the box. I have people/therapists helping me analyze myself. Not the situations in it. Attempting to help me figure out where the source of everything is coming from.
BUT! I see you are facing all these harsh pieces of your world-schema that you've been trying to hide from yourself, which brings up ALL kinds of pain, but gives them a tangible body for you to understand and work with. You're so ready for positive change. Give it time and yourself time. Keep on seeking change, books, therapy, everything - You are moving forward.I'm coherent enough to be seeking what's wrong, and recognizing and listening when its in front of me.
And here it is.
It came from Nathaniel, via an email message:
But friends don't let friends be Codependent.
Which is where this post has stemmed from. I stayed up all night researching this, and considering....
How much of me is not me? Where am I? Every time I ever felt secure in my life was fake? Which friends are 'friends' and which ones are friends? I don't want to analyze every reaction every interaction with everyone.
How do you start from scratch something everyone else learned when they were a kid.
I like the color purple.
I guess that's a good place to start.
11 thoughts :
This is something I've had trouble with for most of my life. Didn't realize it until freshman year, and I'm still struggling with figuring out who I am. Just know you're not alone, and that things will get better!
This post was intresting to read. Something I've known about for a while. Sel realization is greatest hope for change. Nathaniel was right: probably why he left. Real friends won't feel comfortable being the target of a co-dependent person, because for the target, as it is for the co-dependent person (on some level) they don't know if it's real or if the feelings behind it are real either, and feel bad for taking advantage. So they distance themselves or leave: staying may harm both, especially their co-dependent friend. Depends on the situation. Now, friends care about your feelings, about your emotions, and don't want to use others or be used by them. Remember that. If they use you, they are being selfish and looking out for themselves and not you. Now, people can ask for help. That's ok. But know your limits too. If you refuse someone, and they freak out, get manipulative or angry, run away.
Hm, I don't want to advise too much, I just hope you're doing ok and letting you know that some of us out here are happy for you. Be strong Laura.
Gah. I had a bad feeling about Nathaniel from little snippets you have written in your blog before. Nothing terrible, just little irksome things. But that's kind of besides the point (for this comment, anyway).
Your blog reminded me of Julia Roberts' character on Runaway Bride. If you haven't seen it, rent it. And purple is a good start. Next up, try to figure out what kind of eggs you like.
And go to a movie by yourself. You'll start to feel better. I was in the same rut in my first marriage. I depended so much on my husband to achieve happiness. My happiness was dependent on whether I felt like I was making him happy.
Anyway, the key for me was taking myself on dates. I would go to dinner alone just to find out what made me ME again. And I would go to a movie alone. And then I would come home and think about what I enjoyed about my alone time. It made me dangerously independent.
@mostlyprobably Haha. I saw you facetiously arguing with him on my FB about milk. lol.. I figured you knew who he was.
I think dates with myself might be fun.. i just.... don't like doing things myself. A weird nervous tick at the thought of being alone.
:/
And that is exactly why you should do it. Get outside your comfort zone a little bit. Finding alone time and being ok with it is wonderful sometimes. We shouldn't be completely alone or completely with people at all times. Balance, young padawan. :) You're strong. You can make it through hard things. Just trust yourself and your Heavenly Father. Things will work out. You are not a failure.
I'm sorry... I've been reading your blog and becoming more and more upset and I feel this time that I have to comment.
We've been telling you for years that you need to stop buying your friends and it only now clicks?
The post that talked about how no one ever made you feel validated hit me like a knife. As though all the time and effort we spent in loving you and trying to help you was a waste of time.
And then you throw up the crap about your parents being unhealthy to be around. All they are doing is trying to help you and you smear them all over the internet. Talking about how they let you down, or are trying to break you or whatever. They aren't. They love you, and if you spent more time listening to them than pining over someone who "didn't want you" perhaps you'd get back out of the grave you dug for yourself.
And don't you dare throw this back in my face and say that I don't know what's going on like you did the last time I tried to defend them... You can ask anyone who has been around you at any point in your entire life and they will tell you that your parents love you, that if you let them in that they will help you -- but if you fight it then your life will be miserable, like it has been since you started down this path.
You put in here that it was observed that you blame yourself when you aren't to blame but never once have you told me that you find it to be your fault... it is always Cory's fault or the doctor who gave you the wrong medicine or mom and dad's fault, or the fact that your friends don't do for you what you do for them, etc.
Yes, I am upset - yes I am angry - and no, I don't care if you simply delete this comment because I feel better having said it.
There is a lot more swimming in my head that I'd like to say but much of it includes rather crude language so I won't bother. Just know that the reason that I am upset is because I care about you and have tried countless times to help you - I have sat with you through many of your down times as you cried or crashed for the night on my couch. And your blog makes me feel like I am worthless.
So thanks. And I don't think I will follow your blog for a while.
I'm sorry that this offended you for some reason. Its for reasons like this, when I bring up things that I feel, or things that are personal, and get reactions like yours fully of defensiveness and anger, rather than love, that makes me feel invalidated. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you validate their feelings or emotions that you feel. Everyone is different. If you don't speak to them on a level they understand then you might as well be speaking gibberish. You can say I love you in French all you want, doesn't mean I understand it.
If you were feeling down, and eric brought you flowers, but what *you* needed was a hug, of course he's going to feel worthless too. its the nature of the beast.
But, you prove my point. My family is unhealthy to be around. I can't openly admit something I feel, or my feelings are *wrong*.
Its a case of HOW DARE YOU FEEL THIS WHEN I'VE DONE THIS FOR YOU! Which is exactly what mom and dad do, which is a direct form of emotional abuse.
And my family wonders why I don't feel safe openly admitting to how I feel. Or why I share things anymore. Or why I'm desperate to get away from them.
I'm sure people wonder why I have this Codependency issue to begin with either, if this is the natural reaction of the people I grew up around. No wonder I learned to fear people.
As for the 'crap' i throw up about my parents, I said: "I am coming to grips that I still have emotional scars from my childhood and interactions with my parents still reflect problems that have gone unfixed."
Just for the record.
And I'm glad that you had friends and never had to seek acceptance. I'm happy you have yet to go through not having a place to belong, or feeling unloved.
I'm sad that because you don't understand it, you feel the need to attack.
You proved my point exactly.
As someone who has some codependent tendencies myself, I think the most useful realization I ever had was that no one is responsible for my happiness except myself. And God--but only inasmuch as I choose to be happy.
Once I had that realization, rather than looking to other people or other situations to make me happy, I looked to myself. Which isn't to say that relationships aren't a big part of that and that it's not important to get validation from other people. It's just that if I'm not getting validation from other people, it not longer threatens my sense of worth or sense of worth.
Developing this--and most of it came from working on my relationship with Heavenly Father--helped me be a much happier person in general. And freed me up to love others without clinginess, demands, or expectations. I have better boundaries in my relationships, and in general feel much healthier emotionally and spiritually.
Good luck on your journey. It's a long road--but one worth taking. Even when at times I've felt like I was just inching along, or even knocked backward. The end goal is worth every stumble and bruise.
*my sense of worth or sense of self
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