The Barrier
The Barrier.
Once upon a time, there was a girl. She was different. Everyone could tell she was different, but no one knew why. She did though, or at least she had an inkling. See, she was stuck in a world behind a barrier while the rest of the world walked freely. The people who knew her the best recognized there was a barrier, while there were some people who didn't believe it existed and couldn't see it.
The world behind the barrier was a scary place. It was full of monsters and pain. Past mistakes and experiences, rejection and abandonment ran rampant behind the barrier, and she was always in contact with them.
The walls of the barrier were hard to see through. In fact, she could only see people when they were up close, or when they tried to talk to her. If they backed away just a little bit, their figure was blurred from view, and she was totally alone with the monsters that always chased her.
She's tried to get out of this bubble of hers. Using tools she created all by herself with no instruction she ran at the barrier, and stabbed it with sticks, and threw rocks. She even created catapult to launch large objects at the barrier. This however did more damage to the world as everything shattered inside and created more monsters and she vowed never to do that one again. As she tries to communicate these monsters with the people on the otherside of the barrier, they don't understand. All they can say is "Why doesn't she cross the barrier?" But she can't. It is physically impossible to escape the fear and the monsters. And she cannot cross the barrier. "It's so easy!" They proclaimed. But its not. And no one understands this.
And all she could do, is pound her fists against the walls of the barrier keeping her in and sob at being trapped and alone in a world only she could understand. That as hard as she tried to tell people she couldn't cross it, people either didn't believe it existed, and expected her to act and walk about freely, telling her she was stubborn or dramatic, and then walking away when they couldn't 'force her to understand'
JUST CROSS THE DUMB BARRIER! the world said. If you did, you could be happy. And free. We could talk. We would be willing to talk. We could be friends! We could date! You could play with us. You would be normal.
Little did they know she tried. Every day she tried. She tried as hard as she could all the time, to the point where she collapses now every time the world demands that she try and do what she's incapable of doing. Everyone else can do it, I must be flawed somewhere because I can't. "I am broken"
Now, people get mad and angry when she talks about the barrier. Or when she doesn't try and cross it anymore. "we can't be friends if this barrier is in the way" "Learn to do things our way (the real world) and then we can interact. Maybe! If she pretends the barrier doesn't exist, or hm, maybe... buys things or caters to people so they want to come sit around the barrier and talk to her, that might work, and she might not be so alone.
there was one person, recently, who tried to see the barrier. In fact, he sat at the barrier for a while, while she explained about the monsters that were in her world. She didn't feel so alone, and the monsters weren't so scary. He cared enough to point out some of the weak points of the monsters and she stabbed them and made them go away. He gave her books on weaponry to break through the barrier. He even walked into the barrier, and said oh! this is what a barrier looks like, that's cool. that's different. You might want to get that looked at." And he saw the monsters for what they were, and felt the same fear she did, and left. And backed away far enough from view that he disappeared. And she was alone again. The monsters just as scary as before.
Maybe, maybe if someone came into the barrier. Maybe if someone crossed the barrier to see the world how I see it, they might understand. Maybe if they saw the monsters and the barrier and the freakish way the world looks, they might understand. Isn't there one person out there who can withstand what I've had to go through all my life, even for just a little bit at a time, just so things aren't so scary while I figure out how to get out of here?
Just once, I want to find someone willing to come into my world, and hold me while I cry.
She was told though, that the only people who should be willing to cross the barrier are scientists and psychologists.
Its sad that she's supposed to go through this all by herself.
But watch out world. Someday, I'm going to build a nuclear bomb which is going to blow the barrier away.
But for now, I will continue my research all by myself. And for everything that its worth, this girl is one of the bravest people out there.
(Not to scare anyone, cause this isn't meant to scare, but statistics are 10-20 people in a psychiatric ward are being treated for Borderline. 10% of those people, kill themselves because they can't get through the barrier, and sheer frustration leads them to think that's the only option. The barrier is as real as it gets. Its just only seen by those inside it. It influences communication. Interaction. The idea of rejection and abandonment is real. The monsters in the bubble is the fear and pain that's inescapable due to the fact that they can't cope with the emotion they feel. They feel it all until it goes away, and there's nothing they can do to push it away.
I have been hiding in this barrier all my life, with no way to communicate what is going on, and after years of trying, I can sorta communicate what's happening inside. I remember years and years ago trying to communicate my pain, and my body translated things outside the barrier to me punching and kicking and fighting with my parents.
I just want people to understand, to understand why I might freak out when you move far enough away for me to think you're leaving me. Why I cry for no reason. The fact that I feel all emotion. I feel every ounce of pain that most people know how to push away. )
Once upon a time, there was a girl. She was different. Everyone could tell she was different, but no one knew why. She did though, or at least she had an inkling. See, she was stuck in a world behind a barrier while the rest of the world walked freely. The people who knew her the best recognized there was a barrier, while there were some people who didn't believe it existed and couldn't see it.
The world behind the barrier was a scary place. It was full of monsters and pain. Past mistakes and experiences, rejection and abandonment ran rampant behind the barrier, and she was always in contact with them.
The walls of the barrier were hard to see through. In fact, she could only see people when they were up close, or when they tried to talk to her. If they backed away just a little bit, their figure was blurred from view, and she was totally alone with the monsters that always chased her.
She's tried to get out of this bubble of hers. Using tools she created all by herself with no instruction she ran at the barrier, and stabbed it with sticks, and threw rocks. She even created catapult to launch large objects at the barrier. This however did more damage to the world as everything shattered inside and created more monsters and she vowed never to do that one again. As she tries to communicate these monsters with the people on the otherside of the barrier, they don't understand. All they can say is "Why doesn't she cross the barrier?" But she can't. It is physically impossible to escape the fear and the monsters. And she cannot cross the barrier. "It's so easy!" They proclaimed. But its not. And no one understands this.
And all she could do, is pound her fists against the walls of the barrier keeping her in and sob at being trapped and alone in a world only she could understand. That as hard as she tried to tell people she couldn't cross it, people either didn't believe it existed, and expected her to act and walk about freely, telling her she was stubborn or dramatic, and then walking away when they couldn't 'force her to understand'
JUST CROSS THE DUMB BARRIER! the world said. If you did, you could be happy. And free. We could talk. We would be willing to talk. We could be friends! We could date! You could play with us. You would be normal.
Little did they know she tried. Every day she tried. She tried as hard as she could all the time, to the point where she collapses now every time the world demands that she try and do what she's incapable of doing. Everyone else can do it, I must be flawed somewhere because I can't. "I am broken"
Now, people get mad and angry when she talks about the barrier. Or when she doesn't try and cross it anymore. "we can't be friends if this barrier is in the way" "Learn to do things our way (the real world) and then we can interact. Maybe! If she pretends the barrier doesn't exist, or hm, maybe... buys things or caters to people so they want to come sit around the barrier and talk to her, that might work, and she might not be so alone.
there was one person, recently, who tried to see the barrier. In fact, he sat at the barrier for a while, while she explained about the monsters that were in her world. She didn't feel so alone, and the monsters weren't so scary. He cared enough to point out some of the weak points of the monsters and she stabbed them and made them go away. He gave her books on weaponry to break through the barrier. He even walked into the barrier, and said oh! this is what a barrier looks like, that's cool. that's different. You might want to get that looked at." And he saw the monsters for what they were, and felt the same fear she did, and left. And backed away far enough from view that he disappeared. And she was alone again. The monsters just as scary as before.
Maybe, maybe if someone came into the barrier. Maybe if someone crossed the barrier to see the world how I see it, they might understand. Maybe if they saw the monsters and the barrier and the freakish way the world looks, they might understand. Isn't there one person out there who can withstand what I've had to go through all my life, even for just a little bit at a time, just so things aren't so scary while I figure out how to get out of here?
Just once, I want to find someone willing to come into my world, and hold me while I cry.
She was told though, that the only people who should be willing to cross the barrier are scientists and psychologists.
Its sad that she's supposed to go through this all by herself.
But watch out world. Someday, I'm going to build a nuclear bomb which is going to blow the barrier away.
But for now, I will continue my research all by myself. And for everything that its worth, this girl is one of the bravest people out there.
(Not to scare anyone, cause this isn't meant to scare, but statistics are 10-20 people in a psychiatric ward are being treated for Borderline. 10% of those people, kill themselves because they can't get through the barrier, and sheer frustration leads them to think that's the only option. The barrier is as real as it gets. Its just only seen by those inside it. It influences communication. Interaction. The idea of rejection and abandonment is real. The monsters in the bubble is the fear and pain that's inescapable due to the fact that they can't cope with the emotion they feel. They feel it all until it goes away, and there's nothing they can do to push it away.
I have been hiding in this barrier all my life, with no way to communicate what is going on, and after years of trying, I can sorta communicate what's happening inside. I remember years and years ago trying to communicate my pain, and my body translated things outside the barrier to me punching and kicking and fighting with my parents.
I just want people to understand, to understand why I might freak out when you move far enough away for me to think you're leaving me. Why I cry for no reason. The fact that I feel all emotion. I feel every ounce of pain that most people know how to push away. )
"kikastrophe: I am alone in the fact I have no connection to the outside world, the real world. I am broken, one of the more broken people out there. and the only way I can not feel alone is to cross a barrier that I'm physically unable to cross. All I can do is run up against it and pound my fists at it while the world says, "why doesn't she cross it"
kikastrophe: "We could communicate if she can cross it"
kikastrophe: "we could be friends if she could cross it"
kikastrophe: maybe, someone should come cross the barrier into my world
kikastrophe: even just to sit with me in there while I learn how to cross it"
2 thoughts :
I will never, ever, claim to know 100% what you are going through. Because these trials are different for everyone...
But, I think I can understand some of the emotions you feel because of it.
Everyone struggles, but some of us are less-fortunate and struggle with a brain chemistry that prevents us from seeing, understanding, and rejoicing in the things that everyone else does.
My struggle isn't a barrier... It's a chain.
I can see the thing I want the most.
I can taste it.
If I close my eyes, I can pretend I have it. I can feel my heart race, feel my soul calm, and I can feel that rush of adrenaline as I imagine achieving the thing that I want the most...
But, I am chained just beyond reach.
Everyone around me, all of my family and friends, see the thing that I want the most... and they CONGRATULATE me. As if to say 'Go on! Take it, it's yours! You've earned it!'
But, I don't have it. I can't reach it!
Oh, but I want to!
So, I wail and rage and fight against my shackles, but they don't give way...
And no one can see me struggling. No one can feel the pit in my heart as I spiral inward into despair.
They laugh, they smile, and they look away as I fail to break free from my chains.
And the saddest, sickest, part of my disease, is I CAN NOT ASK FOR HELP. Not out of fear, or out of an inability to articulate... I physically cannot bring myself to crying out for help. The words never form, because the disease in my brain won't allow me to form them.
It won't allow me to trust.
Anxiety has bound my words.
So nobody knows.
I'm left alone in the darkness, with my shackles to bind me.
And nobody knows.
So...
Dear, fellow human being,
Do not feel like no one could possibly understand. I may not know what it looks like on the inside of your prison, but I know what it looks like in mine.
And while I wish I could give you stronger words of encouragement, I can only give you this advice.
NEVER STOP.
Rage against your barrier. Claw, scratch, and destroy it as best as you can.
Guard against discouragement, self-doubt and despair. They are tools of the devil, and he would like nothing more than to use them to make you fail.
Don't you ever give him the satisfaction.
And above all, if you can at all understand this, those moments when you feel absolutely alone, try to remember that there is always someone on your side.
I recognize that nothing I've said here is different than what you have probably already heard. I imagine that you have plenty of 'do-gooders' in your life right now, who will attempt to understand your plight. So, take what you will out of my advice. Take it or leave it. Just know that it comes from the heart, and that I felt impressed to share it.
I sincerely hope that some day you find a way out of your barrier. I hear the world is beautiful out there.
~*Aubrey*~
Like was stated in the preceding comment, I will never claim to completely understand what you are experiencing. And I think you should be wary of anyone that does (make that claim). However, you have a Heavenly Father who is always there, and friends who are willing to listen and try, to the best of their ability, to understand. Posts like this help us to understand things that are probably foreign to most of us :)
Also, if there was a 'like' button, I would 'like' the previous comment; I couldn't have said it better.
-ku6f6
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