Emotions

Emotions

   12:51 PM       Laura

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Well, its been a crazy up and down week.

Lets start facts:

• I'm moving back out of the house into my own place, and received a text from the girl I'm taking her contract from that it'll be this weekend or beginning of next week when I can move in.

 My room includes that giant window on the bottom left of the house.  That whole section is mine.  Its as big as the living room which is the other side of the house.

• A girl on twitter announced they were holding try outs for a Pro Girl Gamer MW3 team, and I'm well, going to try out.  This would be pretty cool. 
• I've been drinking a less intense version of 5-hour energy called "Red Rain" in the morning at 5 am when I wake up, and I've been maintaining an energy level that's similar to my old self.  This is also causing intense focus, and productivity levels beyond that of anything in the last little while.  My old creativity is coming out. 

Last Saturday, my old kick came back when I somehow convinced those of my friends in Utah to get to J-dawgs with me.  And they all came.  And it was fun.  And I found, that while I did my typical "I'm watching you to determine which traits of yours are cool and I want to adopt" (which is NOT how things are supposed to work) I found that I was also as interactive with them as everyone else was interactive with each other, as opposed to feeling like I was watching from the outside, and couldn't get in.  It was a first, and I think it was attributed to the extra boost of energy.

At some point people disappeared, and those of us left were attempting to locate Ben, who had been seen shortly before that watching a girl, and we wondered if Ben had worked up the courage to talk to her.  Mikey, Donny, Chris and I were standing in the parking lot, talking about Ben's disappearance when Mikey did a double take down the sidewalk leading all of us to believe he had spotted Ben, which he hadn't but we launched a conversation about using Donny's eyes as binoculars, with the following statement:

Mikey lifts Donny up to see: Donny! what do your elf eyes see?

We found Ben inside though, and he was talking to a girl, prompting us to figure out how to take a picture of them, with the rest of us photobombing it with our faces plastered at the window.

While waiting for Ben to get done with said girl, Mikey managed to get a hold of my keys while looking at the Dr. Who noise maker on them, and managing to get into my car and start backing out without me noticing.  I climbed onto the hood of the car, and he stopped moving.  I told Donny to get a picture, tossing him my phone, and posing sexily on the car, Mikey turned on the wiper fluid spraying me and forcing me to flip off the car.

We have fun times. 

Later that night, we were all chilling at Kristenfer's place, when a Cory incident happened.  The details of which don't need to be shared, but needless to say it killed my mood.  But Kristenfer, dear Kristenfer had been keeping up on the blog understood on a surface level what was going on in my head, and attempted to distract. I *saw* the understanding.  The concept had been grasped, how much, I didn't know though.  I knew they understood that this pain wasn't going to go away and would 'bleed out' and they pulled 7 wonders off the table, which they had adamantly refused to play in the past, and whether out of pity, or what proceeded to create a distractable environment that made it easier to push the dwelling thought patterns out of the way, which made the emotions manageable.

Emotions.  I went to the psychologist again on Tuesday. And related what had happened with Kristenfer, and she told me to hold on to those 2. I also related experiences this last week where, due to my research, I had words to explain things.  Like earlier that day, I was on the phone with someone I was irked at, but had analyzed the situation enough that I was 'perceiving rejection' and that if they could confirm the acceptance, I would be fine, which they did, and I was. Crisis averted because I had the communication method. She said because of my awareness, my treatment will go faster and I'll definitely start seeing more results quicker.

That being said however, she had me recount experiences between me and my parents, or situations between me and Cory, in an attempt to get me to force the emotions to the surface. It was painful and awkward to sit and cry. This left me extremely emotional for the rest of the night, and tired.  As I continued to feel the situations very clearly.  (It makes me wonder if I generate a form of PTSD cause its not necessarily the event anymore that causes pain, its the trauma and consequences of the result that does, and the reminder of the trauma.)  She tried to get me to differentiate between the emotions, and pretty much confirmed what she suspected. I couldn't.  I could only lump EVERYTHING under Pain, though we were able to find Anger in there.  And she was proud of me.  She said with anger, it means I'm sensing injustice about being mistreated in certain situations, which would at some point would create assertiveness and strength inside of me.

My homework this week is to sit down with a sheet of paper that she gave me which lists 300 or so different 'feelings' To which Mikey and Kristen were utilizing yesterday to help explain themselves.  What apparently happens is everything happens all together that cause me just to explode outwards to get rid of it.  Instead of handling each one separately.  Or at least, that's how we're going to approach treatment.

I find myself asking more questions now. I ask the people around me, present for certain incidences, if what I feel is legitamate, and what exactly am I supposed to feel about it? or if its in my head 'perceived emotion'.  And again, Kristen, who seems to have embraced my disorder more so than anyone else, happily answered my questions, and even as I presented situations, pushed the question: "What are you feeling" several times trying to help me analyze my emotions.

That being said, this is going to take a while.  Bear with me.

I feel...  hopeful.  : p