A Conglomeration of Events up til the Perfect Moment
I like how every post I seem to write has a backstory of like... 3 days. There's a chance I never get to where I want to go with the post.
For the last week, Nathaniel has not been himself. He's been distant, and annoyed, and even a little cranky sometimes, and I know that he's got lots of things he's working out in his head. Kate comes to Utah today, and even to his brother's house to pick up some of her stuff. But I've only been sensing his frustration, and of course started applying it to me. Which is why the video I found previously bothered me so much.
Saturday I posted the video and headed off to my parents house for new years. I had a feeling that someone else had set up a new years party that I was not invited to, and my mood was not a good one. Getting up to my parents house, I attempted to try and play the new zelda game that my family had received for Christmas, only to find that my gorgeous tv WOULD NOT CONNECT TO THE WII. Seriously. There was no Yellow, Red, White input. Just the HD ones. And the WII doesn't have an HDMI out.
Dang.
I'm researching on my tablet when I noticed a text that had come in 40 minutes earlier.
"O Hai, can call now?"
Grinning to myself, I sent back a message with my mom's number in it (I don't have a working phone at the moment. Texts use Google Voice. Lifesaver. ) then decided, oh. Its been 40 minutes, I'll just call.
"hai!"
"hai! you have plans for new years?"
"Kind of? I'm at my parents, why?"
"We're going to watch Fellowship of the Ring! Blu-Ray! At my brothers!"
After clarifying some details he also mentioned that he would be picking up his roommate Floyd from the airport the next day, and that he would be staying the night, and that I could to if I wanted to.
Knowing that he was distant and had been hanging out with me for 2 days straight, I clarified... hesitantly, that he wanted me to sleep over. He did mention again, that he would be distant, he don't know what was going on in his head, and asked if that was okay. I told him I would come up with the potential to spend the night, but if at any point he felt uncomfortable he could send me home.
I literally heard relaxation in his voice.
Now, let me dive back a couple days previous. Relate this story with the previous blog post. Nathaniel has limits. More so than other people. Or he's just in touch with them. There's a drama overload point, a speech overload. etc. He can't process a ton all at once. And I remember him telling me in the car that he and Kate never ran into the overload issues. And I remember fuming inside. Like there was some hidden expectation bar that I didn't know where it was. We do this, but Kate MAGICALLY did this. Or Kate could sense his emotions and helped him figure them out. And I found myself trying to rise to that level. And I found it was stressing me out. Because of this idea in my head, I felt like I was walking around on eggshells.
Okay, end of flashback.
So, I showed up at his brother's house, and end up sharing a beanbag with him, fearing pushing him over an invisible edge cause he's distant. I mentioned my family tradition on new years, where we jump off of a chair into the new year, and Nathaniel did it with me. We jumped off the couch in the living room. We then finished LOTR and Nathaniel and I slept in the theater room on the lovesacs down there.
The next morning we woke up to our alarms just as Josh was walking into the room, to wake us up, I hopped upstairs to change quickly and sat down to some cereal with the family. Nathaniel's hair was awesome as ever, (joke, someday I'll post pics) Kayleigh was already dressed, and I resumed my usual stance of asking why to everything she said. She's just like me when I was little, and I was engaging her brain. In fact, we played a game of secret agents to try and get her shoes on without her mom knowing. involved sneaking around the house, hiding behind walls, and me distracting her mom so she could get into the laundry room to get her shoes, with Nathaniel and Josh laughing silently behind us.
Nathaniel and I stayed behind to lock up the house and we followed his brother's family to church. Upon arriving Kayleigh proclaimed that she had 'saved a spot just for me.' and she curled up on my arm as I sat next to her. We listened as his brother and sister-in-law spoke on hope and charity, and afterwards took off towards the airport.
Usually, to get to the airport, I'd take I-15 past point of the mountain. Nathaniel started heading a different direction.
Me: Where are we going?
Nathaniel: To the airport.
Me: Isn't that north?
Nathaniel: This road goes north and west.
At this point I'm staring at the mountain range in front of me, and my WHOLE BODY is telling me that we're facing east. And I almost mentioned this. Then decided, "hey, I've been wrong before" and told him "I'll trust you"
I had misinterpreted his sentence, as "this road will eventually go to the north and west" was what he meant. But it surprised me at how willing I was to drop everything I felt to believe that he knew what he was talking about. Everything in me told me we were going east, and I was misunderstandingly being told I was going north west. And I just dropped it. It was shocking to see the trust I had developed for him.
I.... Trust him.
It made me very happy to have this knowledge.
We made our way around the other side of point of the mountain. We talked about several random topics, till it was clear to me he was annoyed at something. I brought it up, and he stated that he wasn't sure why he was annoyed. He couldn't find the source in his head, which is probably why I was sensing frustration.
then, not unkindly, he said, "I found I liked it better today when you weren't paying attention to me."
Several thoughts went through my head. Indignance was the first one. I was giving him attention. people like that, how was I doing something wrong? Then, I remembered that I had at one point, given Cory so much attention that he hated it. That I do have peculiar fascination with people, and my attention to them could be a little much, especially for someone who wasn't in a relationship. Then I felt dumb and embarrassed. Was I ever going to do anything right? Was he just hanging out with me for pity's sake? What was.. HAPPENING?! Dun dun DUN!.
For the next 5 minutes I was silent.
"I didn't mean to be hurtful" He sounded morose.
"You weren't. I need this kind of feedback." One of the things about being friends with Cory so long was that I got used to criticism and teasing. It didn't have the same effect on me as other people. I can take comments and turn them inward, rather than exploding outward at them.
While his comment hadn't hurt, I knew my face was flushed, and I was embarrassed. I kept my face hidden towards the window. I was contemplating in my head my actions. What was I doing specifically, and how could I fix it ?
"What is going on in you?"
"Haha, I'm not sure you want to know. It could be bad."
"I'm sure I've heard it before"
"ummmm probably not."
"Now you've got me really curious"
With a scratchy throat, I related finding the video, and the expectation idea I had in my head. He listened. He has this ability to figure out when emotion is rising in me, when I become tense. And as much as I want to finish my statement, regardless of the level that my tone is at as I'm distressed, he cuts me off, and I let him. And then we resume when I have more control over my voice again. As I expressed my dismay at being told that I talk alot, (which wasn't necessarily a bad thing) and how I felt, in order not to be compared to Kate, I had to talk less, he chuckled.
"Yes, Kate and I never had to worry about talking too much or overloading anything, but we also didn't have much to talk about other than our relationship all the time. We lacked intelligent conversation, something you excel at. I feel like we can talk about a lot more. "
We discussed comparisons, and we dove into topics concerning his previous relationships. The conversation helped me understand what parts of relationships stress him out, and what he loved about them. And hopefully from that, my behaviors towards him could lighten up or change.
We picked up Floyd and Heather, and headed back down. I was silent most of the way home, contemplating, listening, and watching. I let him talk about Borderlands with Floyd, and let him make his own conclusions about the game. We split off at his brothers house cause my car was there, and we re met up at his place.
Well. I was parked there, and knew they'd be a while cause they stopped at Heather's place. So there I was, enjoying my music, when suddenly my car bumps forward, and I sit up to see the 3 of them laughing in the car behind me as his little GeoMetro nudged me.
For the next hour, I watched and observed. I sat and listened curled up in a chair. Nathaniel started making lunch. Spam and Lentils. Yum. :P And he showed up out of nowhere with a space heater, and without saying words, he plugged it in and pointed it at me. Smiled and walked back to cooking. At some point, Heather and Floyd went to take a nap, and Nathaniel was who knows where. I rotated in the arm chair thing, bowl chair.... so I was practically sitting but leaning to the side.
And Nathaniel walked over, sat down on the ground next to me, and just looked at me. Then he turned and laid his head down on my lap, and we kind of fell asleep like that. probably 10 minutes later, I groggily said: "Weren't you cooking something?" To which he JUMPED UP. Haha. He had forgotten about his lentils on the stove. He pulled them off, and came back, and promptly went back to sleep on my lap for an undefined time.
Whenever we decided to wake up, he asked if I would have a problem if he sorted through his clothes and stuff to prep for moving, and we could put in a movie or something. I agreed, but told him I might go back to sleep, and he should start sorting before turning on the movie. And he did. Yoinked all his drawers and clothes out of his room and put it in the center of the room to start sorting. And I went back to sleep.
Yes. ongoing never stopping blog post. Almost there.
I woke up to see him not around. I found him in his room furiously writing something, and he told me he was fine and would be out in a minute. He was not fine.
I knew for the last couple days he was not fine. And I felt awkward being around him but couldn't pinpoint if it was me perceiving something not there, or if it was really his distance. He came out of his room, and I asked again if he was okay. He told me he was trying to process and assess the emotions in his head.
"Do you want to talk about it? "
"I guess."
*laura moves from chair to floor next to him to listen*
"I guess, with going through all this old stuff, and talking about relationships and stuff in the car... I... Miss her"
He looked at me. I felt bad for bringing her up.
"I'm sorry."
"no! no! its fine. Its just unusual for missing to happen. Usually its just, it happened its done. But we had all these plans and things that were going to happen..... " He trailed off.
Tentatively I asked, "What plans?" I REALLY wanted to take his hand, sensed this might be a bad idea.
He talked about road trips, and things. I was sensing frustration and pain behind his words, which was different. I took it as he didn't want to talk about it anymore.
I climbed back in my chair, and still feeling awkward, I asked: "What would Kate be doing if she were here?"
"huh? she would be asking me over and over if I'm okay for the last week."
"I mean, would she be helping you sort, sitting here doing her own thing, jumping on you?"
"...."
"I guess I'm just in a "when in doubt, do what kate would do" mood based on everything.
"That's... probably a bad idea. "
"okay, then "when in doubt, don't do what kate would do"
"That's probably not a good idea either"
We went into silence. He turned away. I felt.. so.... AWKWARD WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO I DIDN'T KNOW DO I ASK TO HELP DO I KEEP TALKING DO I GO BACK TO SLEEP WHO WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE? I COULDN'T BE HER, AND I WAS STILL TRYING TO FIND THE EXPECTATION LINE. WHERE WERE HIS BOUNDARIES? HE WAS HURTING AND FRUSTRATED AND wait. Wait, he was hurting and frustrated. What do I usually do when I see someone like that. I hug them. I ALWAYS hug. ALWAYS. HOW DID I FORGET THIS? Then came the subconscious battle. "What if he didn't want to be touched. Cory never liked to be touched when he was upset. Some people are like that. He's been annoyed for days. What if its your fault. what if you remind him of Kate? What if my presence was bothering/annoying him, should I leave instead? " And somewhere out of the mix of voices in my head, my own voice came out of nowwhere, "Get out of the chair, and hug him."
And before I could convince myself of doing anything different, I rolled out of the chair and knelt down behind him. He had gone back to sorting. Doing what seemed like a safe thing, I said from behind him:
"I am going to hug you"
And then I put my arms around him. It wasn't a very good hug. I was wrapped around his shoulders, semi resting my head on his shoulder, and whispered, "This is what Laura would do."
There was a sharp intake of breath from the body I was hugging. Trying not to over do it, I squeezed him, and Whispered: "I'm sorry you're hurting. I hope you can figure it out. Please let me know if I can help." And I started to pull away and he caught my hand. I paused, and watched in shock as he pulled my arm back around him, and reached up his other arm to hold tightly to the arm still around him, and he collapsed back against me.
And we were there, for an undefined time, as I held him against me.
After an undefined amount of time, he pulled back, and looked at me, then got up to clean off the couch behind us. I knew exactly what he was doing. In the past, we have found comfortable cuddling and holding positions on this couch. He wanted to be held. And I understood, with no words. I waited for him to finish, and climbed on to the couch, and gestured that he come sit next to me. And he did, curling up against me.
He turned his face into my hand that was touching it.
and I held him in my arms.
And it was good.
And I was myself. I did something *I* would do. I pushed away all the fear and paranoia in my head and I did something right.
I did something perfect.
The rest of the evening was spent watching labyrinth and wrestling and laughing and I allowed myself to be myself. And I saw more of him then I've seen in a long time. He was smiling. He was happy. And it was all my fault. :)
For the last week, Nathaniel has not been himself. He's been distant, and annoyed, and even a little cranky sometimes, and I know that he's got lots of things he's working out in his head. Kate comes to Utah today, and even to his brother's house to pick up some of her stuff. But I've only been sensing his frustration, and of course started applying it to me. Which is why the video I found previously bothered me so much.
Saturday I posted the video and headed off to my parents house for new years. I had a feeling that someone else had set up a new years party that I was not invited to, and my mood was not a good one. Getting up to my parents house, I attempted to try and play the new zelda game that my family had received for Christmas, only to find that my gorgeous tv WOULD NOT CONNECT TO THE WII. Seriously. There was no Yellow, Red, White input. Just the HD ones. And the WII doesn't have an HDMI out.
Dang.
I'm researching on my tablet when I noticed a text that had come in 40 minutes earlier.
"O Hai, can call now?"
Grinning to myself, I sent back a message with my mom's number in it (I don't have a working phone at the moment. Texts use Google Voice. Lifesaver. ) then decided, oh. Its been 40 minutes, I'll just call.
"hai!"
"hai! you have plans for new years?"
"Kind of? I'm at my parents, why?"
"We're going to watch Fellowship of the Ring! Blu-Ray! At my brothers!"
After clarifying some details he also mentioned that he would be picking up his roommate Floyd from the airport the next day, and that he would be staying the night, and that I could to if I wanted to.
Knowing that he was distant and had been hanging out with me for 2 days straight, I clarified... hesitantly, that he wanted me to sleep over. He did mention again, that he would be distant, he don't know what was going on in his head, and asked if that was okay. I told him I would come up with the potential to spend the night, but if at any point he felt uncomfortable he could send me home.
I literally heard relaxation in his voice.
Now, let me dive back a couple days previous. Relate this story with the previous blog post. Nathaniel has limits. More so than other people. Or he's just in touch with them. There's a drama overload point, a speech overload. etc. He can't process a ton all at once. And I remember him telling me in the car that he and Kate never ran into the overload issues. And I remember fuming inside. Like there was some hidden expectation bar that I didn't know where it was. We do this, but Kate MAGICALLY did this. Or Kate could sense his emotions and helped him figure them out. And I found myself trying to rise to that level. And I found it was stressing me out. Because of this idea in my head, I felt like I was walking around on eggshells.
Okay, end of flashback.
So, I showed up at his brother's house, and end up sharing a beanbag with him, fearing pushing him over an invisible edge cause he's distant. I mentioned my family tradition on new years, where we jump off of a chair into the new year, and Nathaniel did it with me. We jumped off the couch in the living room. We then finished LOTR and Nathaniel and I slept in the theater room on the lovesacs down there.
The next morning we woke up to our alarms just as Josh was walking into the room, to wake us up, I hopped upstairs to change quickly and sat down to some cereal with the family. Nathaniel's hair was awesome as ever, (joke, someday I'll post pics) Kayleigh was already dressed, and I resumed my usual stance of asking why to everything she said. She's just like me when I was little, and I was engaging her brain. In fact, we played a game of secret agents to try and get her shoes on without her mom knowing. involved sneaking around the house, hiding behind walls, and me distracting her mom so she could get into the laundry room to get her shoes, with Nathaniel and Josh laughing silently behind us.
Nathaniel and I stayed behind to lock up the house and we followed his brother's family to church. Upon arriving Kayleigh proclaimed that she had 'saved a spot just for me.' and she curled up on my arm as I sat next to her. We listened as his brother and sister-in-law spoke on hope and charity, and afterwards took off towards the airport.
Usually, to get to the airport, I'd take I-15 past point of the mountain. Nathaniel started heading a different direction.
Me: Where are we going?
Nathaniel: To the airport.
Me: Isn't that north?
Nathaniel: This road goes north and west.
At this point I'm staring at the mountain range in front of me, and my WHOLE BODY is telling me that we're facing east. And I almost mentioned this. Then decided, "hey, I've been wrong before" and told him "I'll trust you"
I had misinterpreted his sentence, as "this road will eventually go to the north and west" was what he meant. But it surprised me at how willing I was to drop everything I felt to believe that he knew what he was talking about. Everything in me told me we were going east, and I was misunderstandingly being told I was going north west. And I just dropped it. It was shocking to see the trust I had developed for him.
I.... Trust him.
It made me very happy to have this knowledge.
We made our way around the other side of point of the mountain. We talked about several random topics, till it was clear to me he was annoyed at something. I brought it up, and he stated that he wasn't sure why he was annoyed. He couldn't find the source in his head, which is probably why I was sensing frustration.
then, not unkindly, he said, "I found I liked it better today when you weren't paying attention to me."
Several thoughts went through my head. Indignance was the first one. I was giving him attention. people like that, how was I doing something wrong? Then, I remembered that I had at one point, given Cory so much attention that he hated it. That I do have peculiar fascination with people, and my attention to them could be a little much, especially for someone who wasn't in a relationship. Then I felt dumb and embarrassed. Was I ever going to do anything right? Was he just hanging out with me for pity's sake? What was.. HAPPENING?! Dun dun DUN!.
For the next 5 minutes I was silent.
"I didn't mean to be hurtful" He sounded morose.
"You weren't. I need this kind of feedback." One of the things about being friends with Cory so long was that I got used to criticism and teasing. It didn't have the same effect on me as other people. I can take comments and turn them inward, rather than exploding outward at them.
While his comment hadn't hurt, I knew my face was flushed, and I was embarrassed. I kept my face hidden towards the window. I was contemplating in my head my actions. What was I doing specifically, and how could I fix it ?
"What is going on in you?"
"Haha, I'm not sure you want to know. It could be bad."
"I'm sure I've heard it before"
"ummmm probably not."
"Now you've got me really curious"
With a scratchy throat, I related finding the video, and the expectation idea I had in my head. He listened. He has this ability to figure out when emotion is rising in me, when I become tense. And as much as I want to finish my statement, regardless of the level that my tone is at as I'm distressed, he cuts me off, and I let him. And then we resume when I have more control over my voice again. As I expressed my dismay at being told that I talk alot, (which wasn't necessarily a bad thing) and how I felt, in order not to be compared to Kate, I had to talk less, he chuckled.
"Yes, Kate and I never had to worry about talking too much or overloading anything, but we also didn't have much to talk about other than our relationship all the time. We lacked intelligent conversation, something you excel at. I feel like we can talk about a lot more. "
We discussed comparisons, and we dove into topics concerning his previous relationships. The conversation helped me understand what parts of relationships stress him out, and what he loved about them. And hopefully from that, my behaviors towards him could lighten up or change.
We picked up Floyd and Heather, and headed back down. I was silent most of the way home, contemplating, listening, and watching. I let him talk about Borderlands with Floyd, and let him make his own conclusions about the game. We split off at his brothers house cause my car was there, and we re met up at his place.
Well. I was parked there, and knew they'd be a while cause they stopped at Heather's place. So there I was, enjoying my music, when suddenly my car bumps forward, and I sit up to see the 3 of them laughing in the car behind me as his little GeoMetro nudged me.
For the next hour, I watched and observed. I sat and listened curled up in a chair. Nathaniel started making lunch. Spam and Lentils. Yum. :P And he showed up out of nowhere with a space heater, and without saying words, he plugged it in and pointed it at me. Smiled and walked back to cooking. At some point, Heather and Floyd went to take a nap, and Nathaniel was who knows where. I rotated in the arm chair thing, bowl chair.... so I was practically sitting but leaning to the side.
And Nathaniel walked over, sat down on the ground next to me, and just looked at me. Then he turned and laid his head down on my lap, and we kind of fell asleep like that. probably 10 minutes later, I groggily said: "Weren't you cooking something?" To which he JUMPED UP. Haha. He had forgotten about his lentils on the stove. He pulled them off, and came back, and promptly went back to sleep on my lap for an undefined time.
Whenever we decided to wake up, he asked if I would have a problem if he sorted through his clothes and stuff to prep for moving, and we could put in a movie or something. I agreed, but told him I might go back to sleep, and he should start sorting before turning on the movie. And he did. Yoinked all his drawers and clothes out of his room and put it in the center of the room to start sorting. And I went back to sleep.
Yes. ongoing never stopping blog post. Almost there.
I woke up to see him not around. I found him in his room furiously writing something, and he told me he was fine and would be out in a minute. He was not fine.
I knew for the last couple days he was not fine. And I felt awkward being around him but couldn't pinpoint if it was me perceiving something not there, or if it was really his distance. He came out of his room, and I asked again if he was okay. He told me he was trying to process and assess the emotions in his head.
"Do you want to talk about it? "
"I guess."
*laura moves from chair to floor next to him to listen*
"I guess, with going through all this old stuff, and talking about relationships and stuff in the car... I... Miss her"
He looked at me. I felt bad for bringing her up.
"I'm sorry."
"no! no! its fine. Its just unusual for missing to happen. Usually its just, it happened its done. But we had all these plans and things that were going to happen..... " He trailed off.
Tentatively I asked, "What plans?" I REALLY wanted to take his hand, sensed this might be a bad idea.
He talked about road trips, and things. I was sensing frustration and pain behind his words, which was different. I took it as he didn't want to talk about it anymore.
I climbed back in my chair, and still feeling awkward, I asked: "What would Kate be doing if she were here?"
"huh? she would be asking me over and over if I'm okay for the last week."
"I mean, would she be helping you sort, sitting here doing her own thing, jumping on you?"
"...."
"I guess I'm just in a "when in doubt, do what kate would do" mood based on everything.
"That's... probably a bad idea. "
"okay, then "when in doubt, don't do what kate would do"
"That's probably not a good idea either"
We went into silence. He turned away. I felt.. so.... AWKWARD WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO I DIDN'T KNOW DO I ASK TO HELP DO I KEEP TALKING DO I GO BACK TO SLEEP WHO WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE? I COULDN'T BE HER, AND I WAS STILL TRYING TO FIND THE EXPECTATION LINE. WHERE WERE HIS BOUNDARIES? HE WAS HURTING AND FRUSTRATED AND wait. Wait, he was hurting and frustrated. What do I usually do when I see someone like that. I hug them. I ALWAYS hug. ALWAYS. HOW DID I FORGET THIS? Then came the subconscious battle. "What if he didn't want to be touched. Cory never liked to be touched when he was upset. Some people are like that. He's been annoyed for days. What if its your fault. what if you remind him of Kate? What if my presence was bothering/annoying him, should I leave instead? " And somewhere out of the mix of voices in my head, my own voice came out of nowwhere, "Get out of the chair, and hug him."
And before I could convince myself of doing anything different, I rolled out of the chair and knelt down behind him. He had gone back to sorting. Doing what seemed like a safe thing, I said from behind him:
"I am going to hug you"
And then I put my arms around him. It wasn't a very good hug. I was wrapped around his shoulders, semi resting my head on his shoulder, and whispered, "This is what Laura would do."
There was a sharp intake of breath from the body I was hugging. Trying not to over do it, I squeezed him, and Whispered: "I'm sorry you're hurting. I hope you can figure it out. Please let me know if I can help." And I started to pull away and he caught my hand. I paused, and watched in shock as he pulled my arm back around him, and reached up his other arm to hold tightly to the arm still around him, and he collapsed back against me.
And we were there, for an undefined time, as I held him against me.
After an undefined amount of time, he pulled back, and looked at me, then got up to clean off the couch behind us. I knew exactly what he was doing. In the past, we have found comfortable cuddling and holding positions on this couch. He wanted to be held. And I understood, with no words. I waited for him to finish, and climbed on to the couch, and gestured that he come sit next to me. And he did, curling up against me.
He turned his face into my hand that was touching it.
and I held him in my arms.
And it was good.
And I was myself. I did something *I* would do. I pushed away all the fear and paranoia in my head and I did something right.
I did something perfect.
The rest of the evening was spent watching labyrinth and wrestling and laughing and I allowed myself to be myself. And I saw more of him then I've seen in a long time. He was smiling. He was happy. And it was all my fault. :)
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