[Panic]

[Panic]

   7:36 AM       Laura

---

Saturday:

I was pissed.  I was in an argument with Christopher, and I was ridden with allergies, and the internet was out.  Brady invited us to go watch Wall-e at his place, and after a little convincing, found myself in Danny's car on the way to get Sadie.  Sadie lives in a neighborhood that I would never venture alone. We pulled into the driveway for sadie, and I got on the phone with my landlord to alert him about the internet STILL being out.  Sadie got in the car and we pulled out.  I heard Matt say, "oh yeah, we're doing cleaning checks on monday." As we rounded the corner, there was a girl on the lawn.  Long blond hair.  She looked extremely familiar, and suddenly,  even as I felt myself going into shock, had enough reaction to lift my hand and wave.  Another quick flash of a second, dark haired figure wearing camo pants exiting the house, made me drop my phone.  I heard "Laura? Laura...?" on the phone, and quickly picked it back up and said, "yes, I understand, See you monday" and hung up.  As we pulled around the corner, and I caught a last glimpse of the house, I got out "He cut his hair." before going silent.

Behind me, Sadie was proclaiming "oh! We never see him outside of his house.  This is extremely odd, "  And I was starting to hyperventilate.  I have no control over when the panic attacks happen.  This is my first full one in months. We pulled out on to University Parkway, and I exclaimed out loud, for the benefit of the people in the car that I was having a panic attack.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Step Backward a couple years.

I started having them when I was in elementary school.  I would be sitting around playing, reading, sleeping, eating...and suddenly I would freak out.  I would feel the need to run, I'd be hyperventilating, and crying.  I'd sit in corners, and my parents, heaven help them, had no idea what was going on.  I assume for the first little while they assumed I just wanted attention.  But it kept happening.  There WERE triggers.  One of the main ones I can remember was if we ate dinner too late.  If it was dark outside, and we were eating, for some reason it triggered one.  I assume the psychological reason stemmed from some nightmare I had once, but I don't know.

My parents decided they could use this to their advantage, and when I'd have one, which at that time happened to be at LEAST 3 times a week, told me "Its the Holy Ghost telling you you've done something wrong... have you done anything you need to confess?"  And I, trying to do whatever I could to get rid of the feeling and the episode, would rack my brain for anything that could possibly be a sin of some sort.

It wasn't till I was in Junior High, and in therapy when the word "panic attack" comes up.

To quote Wikipedia: Many who experience a panic attack, mostly for the first time, fear they are having a heart attack or a nervous breakdown.^[2] Experiencing a panic attack has been said to be one of the most intensely frightening, upsetting and uncomfortable experiences of a person's life.^[3]



Many of you who were around me last September remember the constant state of fear I was in.  "However, panic attacks can be as short as 15 seconds, while sometimes panic attacks may form a cyclic series of episodes, lasting for an extended period, sometimes hours."  The night Cory said "I don't think we're supposed to keep dating"  I had 6 panic attacks cycling.  I got no sleep, and was on sedatives for the next 3 months.

The thing is, most people think that its similar to being "stressed out" when in fact there is an actual physiological state someone goes into when a panic attack occurs.  You don't look at someone with Kidney Stones and say "It doesn't hurt that much you big baby!" You shouldn't look at someone with a panic attack and say "Its not THAT scary you idiot."

Panic attacks have the following:

• raging heartbeat
• difficulty breathing, feeling as though you 'can't get enough air
• terror that is almost paralyzing
• nervous, shaking, stress
• heart palpitation, feeling of dread
• dizziness, lightheadedness or nausea
• trembling, sweating, shaking
• choking, chest pains, distress
• fear, fright, afraid, anxious
• hot flashes, or sudden chills
• tingling in fingers or toes ('pins and needles')
• fearful that you're going to go crazy or are about to die

More than once, when I was a kid, my parents can remember me telling them I was going to die, or that I was dying.  There was a point when I was at girls camp, and was in the process of changing when one occurred, which resulted with me running through the forest in my underwear with the priesthood leaders chasing after me.

There's an extra symptom on the list, that only some sites are listing, and thats "fear that you'll have another one"  Part of the reasons I get so worked up is I'm afraid of the fear I'm feeling and that it'll be there the rest of my life.  My therapist always asked why I was so afraid, and I'd point to my chest and say, "Its the feeling in here, and it won't go away."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back to the story at hand.  We pulled onto University Avenue and announced that I was having a panic attack.  We started driving up the hill to Orem, and the only thing I remember thinking after my announcement was to get out of the car.  I'm told later, that I was clinging to the side of the car, and was crying and sobbing and hyperventilating.  I guess I put my hand on the handle of the car, on a road where we were doing 60 mph, with the intention to get out of the car, when something grabbed my arm.  Danny had reached across the car and latched onto my wrist.  I don't know if he just felt like doing that, or if he figured out my intention.  We reached the top of the hill, and I switched to squeezing the life out of his hand....

Laura: Sorry about your hand.
Danny: That's ok, I'll grow another one.


Panic attacks are real.  Those of you who have heard me proclaim, that I'm attempting to avoid a panic attack, it means I'm trying to remove the nervousness that's causing the start.  Sometimes I can cut them off.  Other times, I can't.  Many of you have heard me speak of them, but never have one.  "is she trying to get attention?" you might ask? No.  Those of you who ask yourself this question, please read my "Letter from a Fearful Person"

The rest of you, who have been around when this happens, thank you for understanding, and for sticking around when you know for sure you're friends with a crazy person.

  P.S. Check out my 101 in 1001  and see how I'm doing!