[A Letter from a Fearful Person]
To My Friends, Colleagues, Coworkers, Family, Roommates and Ward Members,
I suffer from an Anxiety Disorder. This may not be something you'll ever understand, and even while reading this, you may still scoff thinking its made up. You might say, "Its all in your head." And for the most part, you're right, it is. But that doesn't mean that its not a real thing. These are, in most circles, known as Panic Attacks. Most of you will never experience what I've experienced. Most of the early years of my life, I lived in fear of having these episodes, and while experiencing them, thinking I was going to die. There is a very physical reaction to the amount of terror being conjured up in my brain. Remember that time where you misstepped and thought you were falling down the stairs or off the curb for just a split second? Extend that split second and make it 10 minutes of that intense of fear, and even more than that. I can tell right before it happens, that its happening, and can warn you, but after that, the panic is severe enough that I become disabled from doing anything normally.
There's not alot you can do for me while its happening. Most of the people I talk to while its happening, tell me they're frightened themselves. Its a flight or fight reaction that my body is going through, and an animal instinct kicks in, and the Attacks most of the time come without warning and without triggers. Some of my reactions, like hiding in a corner, or running really fast, may not make sense to you. When it happens, my chest tightens, which prevents me from breathing normally. I will sob, and cry and scream. I will hug myself, and will not be able to make the fear go away. I will most likely hyperventilate. I used to beg to my parents to make the feeling go away. The fear is so intense, that you're afraid not only of the fear you're feeling, but you have a fear of having it again.
I still live in fear that I have them. Even as an adult, I still avoid people and situations specifically so that I don't live through another episode where I'm afraid I'm going crazy, and dying. Now that I'm an adult, I understand what causes them, and that they are really "only in my head." Because of this, they don't last as long as they used to. I can get a grip on myself much faster than when I was younger, but that doesn't change the fear.
When it happens, don't tell me "It'll be alright." or "Sit and breathe." That makes me want to hit you. Everyone tells me that and it doesn't help. Instead, pull me into a hug and hold me tightly. I don't care who you are. Friend, enemy, manager, boy, girl. Hold me, and squeeze me. And THEN tell me "It'll be alright." Give me a metaphoric grip and anchor on reality. Hold my hand, and hold it tightly. Stop me from doing anything irrational. Give me music, or call my closest friends to let me hear their voice. Wait it out, sometimes they can last half an hour. A Half an hour of intense fear. And when its all over, don't judge me for the things I do when I act like that.
There's no place where I can't have them. I've had them at home, while camping, in the bathroom, while I'm sleeping, and even at work. I just hope when it happens, you understand I'm not a crazy person, and that you better know how to help me.
Love,
A fearful person.
2 thoughts :
Great post. I know what you're going through, though mine were never that severe. By the time anyone in my family finally understood what was going on I'd more or less learned to control them. I still get them occasionally and even though they're relatively minor I still hate them.
thanks for sharing this one.
i don't get them as often as i used to, mainly because there's my voice -- in my head-- telling myself that i can get through it, nonetheless, i still get them.
and i hate them.
and my remedy is usually the same, hold me tight and i'll be ok.
most times i don't feel like anyone else knows what i'm going through, so thank you :)
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