[The Broken Doll]

[The Broken Doll]

   8:27 PM       Laura

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Once there was a doll.  It was porcelain and glass.  A fragile, beautiful doll.  On September 10, 2009, it was hit with a sledge hammer.  Shattered.  Pieces flew everywhere.  They bounced rolled and busted even more.  The doll was helpless to fix herself.  After a while, someone picked up a piece.  And with love, glued it back on to the doll.  More and more people.  Coworkers, family, friends, strangers who became friends. 


In March, the doll was healing.  It took a while for the glue to settle, for her, even though she was covered in cracks and scars, she had trouble believing she was beautiful, or that anyone would want to play with her again.   


She was hit again.  This time by someone different.  The glue held this time.  Not alot flew away.  Just a chip.  A sliver.  A missing piece.  And it landed at the feet, of the girl with the sledge hammer.  The girl picked it up.  She tucked it away.  


And 5 months later, completed the doll.  

I used to tell everyone I was broken.  People would ask me to describe myself, and I would tell them I was broken.  Something was still amiss in my life.  I was a doll who was shattered, and glued together by Chris and Danny and Socorro and  Karl, and Kristen and Steph and Alex, and Jillian and my family, and Del Ray, and Blake,  And everyone else who picked up a piece and glued me back together with love.  


But there was a piece missing. Everything in life seemed to be going good.  I was always aware of this missing piece.  I just didn't know who had it.  It occurred to me, that the person who chipped it off, held it.  But everyone else seemed to disagree with me. 

Peace.

Just....

Peace.

Last week, I posted a post, regarding someone I feared.  Someone I respected, admired, and even looked up to.  Someone who I thought hated me.  Someone who scared me on a level no one ever has before.  Someone who I was afraid to extend my hand for fear of losing it.

I assume the person who sent me the email last week alerted her to my blog.  Or maybe she just read it.  I hoped she would.  She'd see my desire to change things, and my admiration of her.

It was on a red eye flight last week, that I braved the Icy waters. 
I looked at my blog stats.  Someone had entered the blog.  And looked at the 4 key blog posts in the last little while that helped present my case.  From an Ip address that had been on before during other strong moments.  One I recognized.  Of course she would talk to him about it. 

 Sitting on the ground in Phoenix, waiting for the plane to take off, I looked at his twitter.  On the off chance of a possibility, and against the fear building in my heart.    I saw confusion.  I saw frustration.  I saw statements of a possibility that was so far fetched, I couldn't quite believe it. 

"This is so frustrating. Gaaahhh. Too much info." 

and a little bit later: 

"Faith, trust, and a little hope. We'll see where this goes.  "

Her twitter was blank.  I had no idea what she was feeling. 


I felt myself calming down.  

"Please turn off all electronics now" 

There was a sense of peace.  I KNEW that those words applied to me.  I KNEW it.  

I shut off my phone.


The plane took off.  



4 HOURS LATER

I woke up as we were landing in Charlotte.  I took a deep breath........... and loaded up her blog.  


And found myself not breathing.

Laura,

I would give anything to spend a day with you. To just understand who you are, and why you do what you do. I came to realize that sometimes we may not be a good friend, but a good girlfriend, or vice versa. As I will not take your opinions of those I love, and will stick them to that person presently, I won't, from this time forward, stick anything I've been told you've done in the past, on you. 

I am independent beyond compare, which is why I'm willing to outspokenly say that I don't give a damn if Kenji gets upset at the idea of you and I spending a day together. I would only expect you to understand and support my choices if I chose to not further contact after such a day.

While my post previous to this one spoke of ill in many forms, I tried to portray how MUCH TIME and EFFORT I've been putting into everything I've done. If opinions, feelings, and such push that you are genuine and deserve the privilege of friendship, I would hope you would accept graciously, my offer. But before friendship, will have to come trust. You will have to trust my judgment that Kenji is absolutely amazing, and has grown to be such an amazing spirit. While you two were dating, things may have been rough, but that doesn't change that you and he are both capable of changing. You are both given the chance to renew yourselves... Laura, you are a choice spirit of God. I know that with time, I've come to realize that you are worth the chance of getting into, what might possibly be the biggest mistake of my life, a friendship, because I never really gave you a chance.

This is random... I have yet to read your blogs, or your twitter. But I know that in the end, the Lord will judge us according to the desire of our hearts, and I desire to be an example even unto myself, by being better in who I am, by expecting just as much from you, as I expect from me.

It's kinda like the man who everyone trusts... he trusts you too, because he expects good of others, because he knows he's good.

I'm not sure how you'll react, and I hope your friends who were one my biggest hate-fan-club, can see that I'm being quite honest, and quite serious.

Don't let the first I hear of you speaking of me to others, be from those people. Please talk to me, and make sure that you are sincere in all that you do, as I will be just as much in return.

Here's my extended offer of friendship. If you decline, I get it... we all need time.

Kenji, I'm trying my hardest to be my best, which is what you deserve. I don't plan on meeting Jesus Christ on the first morning of the 2nd coming, with things, deeds, and broken glass still paving any pathway to anyone on this earth, for me. I will be befriending Laura if she accepts, and you have to trust me in what I do. If you don't trust her, learn to do it again. You have to learn to love everyone... this little thing that I offered Laura, it's something, a wonderful something and inspiration that came to me while putting in the effort to not be so prone to wandering. You are absolutely wonderful. I know who you are, and nothing will change that. If it's in the past, remember that no matter what your past has been, you have a spotless future. I can't judge anyone, because I walk so imperfectly. Here's my choices stepping towards becoming like Him. Becoming Him.

"Like a child be" They're so willing to love, children are. They can be yelled at, slapped in the face, and can be as scared as can be... but when that same voice, those same hands that yelled and slapped at them say "I'm sorry" and are extended to hold and soothe that little one... they accept the offer.

I will be like that.

I hope to one day be able to look back at life, and be able to think of 50 things in my life, that proved that I'm close, in even the tiniest of bits, to being worthy of God's blessings. I don't think I ever TRULY deserve them, because I can't be perfect until after this life, but I will do my best to get as close to it, as I can.

And with tears already rolling down my face, sobbing on a plane full of people who I didn't know and were giving me weird looks, I read the last line of the post.  

Laura, will you be my friend?

and 2 minutes later, I sent the friend request on Facebook.   And a couple hours later, received the notification that she had accepted it.  


That day, my Iphone4 was stolen from me, I was denied my rental car, I was lost, I slept in the sun for 4 hours, and ended up so dehydrated that I couldn't keep water down. I was hot and miserable, and afraid., my bed was covered in mold, and the leaders of the corps didn't really like me.  But.  Nothing. NOTHING! could take away the peace and the joy I felt that somehow, the ONE thing that has been on my mind for months, was fixed.  The last piece.  


I do not feel broken anymore.  I have never felt so free of life.  I kept myself in bondage for so long, that I know what its like to be free.  


I have had many reactions to this.   From my roommate and best friend who are jumping for joy.  My boyfriend who is cautious, to my mom who is like WHAT?! HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?!.

I've even received ultimatums.  "If you become friends with these people, I can't be your friend anymore."

My choice is to be friends with everyone.  You can choose to leave.  But like Natalia, I refuse to not let this opportunity get away from me.  Yes, I'm frightened.  She could very well tear me apart for anything that I do. But I think its worth the risk.

Tonight, She's coming over.  And she's bringing with her the person who walked away from me months ago.  They will be here in less than half an hour.  Am I scared?

Yes.

But, There is a peace accompanying me that I haven't felt strongly in a long time. Something was made right.

Yes, Natalia.  I will be your friend.









P.S. Check out my 101 in 1001  and see how I'm doing!