[Mine]

[Mine]

   12:43 PM       Laura

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I remember getting diagnosed in 2012 with my Borderline Personality Disorder.  I remember the despair at having a disorder that was so closely intertwined with who I was. It wasn't a chemical malfunction, it seemed like it was a defect of my *self.*  For years, I described me as being a borderline instead of having borderline, and I continually self depreciated my identity and my actions and who I am.

And so I wept in sorrow for 4 years.

I monitored body language of others, assuming and understanding emotional states to confirm the rejection I expected was coming. 

I stressed and was anxious all the time. 

I was extra empathetic to the point of exhaustion.
I couldn't communicate because I couldn't understand myself or others. 

I got through school using accessibility letters and assistance from others and felt like I was riding on the coattails of others.

This last April, I competed in a Cyberdefense competition.  Basically we're given a corporate network that we haven't seen, with services like customer accessible websites, RDP to domain boxes, and other services and doing reports for our CEO with time limits, while trying to keep a red team out. All the while we had recruiters and sponsers in the room watching us and acting as "refs."

And I was the team captain. Team of 8.  4 guys 4 girls.

I monitored body language of others, looking for signs that they were distressed and reorganized people effectively. 

I managed my stress and anxiety because of all the practice that I had.  

I was extra empathetic and had people get up and dance and shake and run around in circles, or played awesome music and had people sing.
I communicated because I had learned understood myself, and understood others in ways others didn't know.

I won't lie. I took my magic pills and laid under desks and issued orders and commands and communication.

But I got head hunted by the NSA and Facebook and Raytheon for my leadership.

And I got a chiefs coin from the Navy Sponsors for being the most impressive person they saw at the competition as they cycled throughout the rooms looking at all the other people competing.

A chiefs coin is basically the non commissioned military people's way of commending the commissioned peoples leadership and makes them "part of the family."  The only really cool thing about it is that I could put the coin down and get everyone to buy me drinks. 

Regardless though.  This was a sign of my BPD doing a thing.  I utilized it as a talent and I did the thing.   And I did it all by myself.  I didn't use a letter, I didn't use anyone elses ability to do this, I did it all by myself, and it is my strength.   I did the thing.  I did it, and any time I feel less than a person, whenever I feel like I should be able to do the thing but can't, I have a physical object that proves that I can do the thing, and I did do it, and I was recognized continuously by many people.  And it proves that my BPD is as much a blessing and gave me talents I didn't know I could develop in ways as it is a curse.  And its starting to look more like a blessing and a talent then a curse now days. 

When it went down, it was so hard to breathe

I gave up everything, and I slow fall down to the floor

life was escaping me, I couldn't find myself

'til it was all lost, not anymore

I'm holding on to all the pieces of my hearts debris, 'til it's time

I'll... I'll pull it together and fix myself eventually, I know it's mine

I found gold in the wreckage, put it on a necklace

keeping it 'cause I-hi-I know that it's mine

I wear it like a message, so I don't forget it

keeping it 'cause I-hi-I know that it's mine

I know that it's mine, no matter what I do,

I know that it's mine, whether I win or lose

and even though my heart needs to take its time,

I know that it's mine, I know that it's mine

Facing the change, but it's still tough to see

at first I fought it all, I was so mean

I'm still unsure, how it's supposed to be

I'm taking every day now by the skin of my teeth, until I learn

I'm holding on to all the pieces of my hearts debris, 'til it's time

I'll... I'll pull it together and fix myself eventually, I know it's mine

I found gold in the wreckage, put it on a necklace

keeping it 'cause I, I know that it's mine

I wear it like a message, so I don't forget it

keeping it 'cause I, I know that it's mine

I know that it's mine, no matter what I do,

I know that it's mine, whether I win or lose

and even though my heart needs to take its time,

I know that it's mine, I know that it's mine