This will be the most depressing blogpost I've ever put up. And its because as I scan through tumblr, I see things that speak to my heart, and the pictures I read, and comments I see help me know I'm not alone. But pictures say more than words do. And as I sit and look at the pictures of the people who cut and starve themselves, I feel lucky that those are the symptoms I'm missing.
Here is how I feel, the majority of the time through the voices of others. These are not my words, but those of others just like me. And as I've done research into the subject, we are viewed by others as 'having dark souls' almost as if people don't understand we hate our lives, whether you hate us for what we put you through.
And I'm sorry if I put people through stuff, I don't mean to.
In the end, i just want to be loved.
And my mom can't even acknowledge there's anything wrong with me.
Read this, as hard as it might be to make it through the entire post.
(There is language in this post, as it is the raw voices. I apologize ahead of time)
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"Being a borderline feels like eternal hell. Nothing less. Pain, anger, confusion, hurt, never knowing how I’m gonna feel from one minute to the next. Hurting because I hurt those who I love. Feeling misunderstood. Analyzing everything. Nothing gives me pleasure. Once in a great while I will get “too happy” and then anxious because of that. Then I self-medicate with pills, drugs and alcohol. Then I physically hurt myself. Then I feel guilty because of that. Shame. Wanting to die but not being able to kill myself because I’d feel too much guilt for those I’d hurt, and then feeling angry about that so I cut myself or O.D. to make all the feelings go away."
Here is how I feel, the majority of the time through the voices of others. These are not my words, but those of others just like me. And as I've done research into the subject, we are viewed by others as 'having dark souls' almost as if people don't understand we hate our lives, whether you hate us for what we put you through.
And I'm sorry if I put people through stuff, I don't mean to.
In the end, i just want to be loved.
And my mom can't even acknowledge there's anything wrong with me.
Read this, as hard as it might be to make it through the entire post.
(There is language in this post, as it is the raw voices. I apologize ahead of time)
**********************************************
"Being a borderline feels like eternal hell. Nothing less. Pain, anger, confusion, hurt, never knowing how I’m gonna feel from one minute to the next. Hurting because I hurt those who I love. Feeling misunderstood. Analyzing everything. Nothing gives me pleasure. Once in a great while I will get “too happy” and then anxious because of that. Then I self-medicate with pills, drugs and alcohol. Then I physically hurt myself. Then I feel guilty because of that. Shame. Wanting to die but not being able to kill myself because I’d feel too much guilt for those I’d hurt, and then feeling angry about that so I cut myself or O.D. to make all the feelings go away."
I’m 20 years old, born in May. My favorite color is green. I love cats. Any animals, really. But that’s all I can tell you about myself.
I am whoever I am with at the time.
I am a reflection of anyone who dares look at me.
I am what you want to see.
Because I don’t actually know who I am.
I have been trained behaviorally, in therapy, to recognize when my borderline personality is showing itself. Red flags go up when my thoughts turn a certain way. But the problem is that even though I can see it happening, I can’t stop it. I just sink to the floor and cradle my head in my hands and rock back and forth chanting “stop it stop it stop it STOP IT”.
I feel like a mental invalid. It’s the equivalent of having voices in your head.
I love:
dismantling every perfectly healthy relationship i have
becoming paranoid to the point of getting physically ill
having emotions so strong that i have to slice my skin open to escape
and much more!
“But you need to see how much she struggles-every day, sometimes every minute-and often things that wouldn’t affect you. Those of us without the disorder generally don’t understand, but it’s critical, I could say even life saving, that you recognize her different reality-her sensitivities and the kind of pain she has.”
| — | The Buddha and the borderline |
Me: I do this really cute thing where my personality switches and I become your worst fucking nightmare
it’s already starting.
the paranoia. the fear. the thoughts of abandonment.
this is so bad.
I have no idea how to make it go away.
the meds aren’t helping right now.
I’m totally losing it and about to have a full meltdown.
Borderline Personality Disorder Problem
Having promiscuous sex because having sex makes you think that people find you attractive and interesting, which makes you not hate yourself for a brief moment.
Why do I crave human companionship so incredibly?
What is the purpose? No one is ever going to fill that gaping void in my chest.
No one is going to love me until the pain goes away.
No one is going to kiss my cuts and wish me well.
No one is going to zip their lips and treasure my secrets like a gold mine.
No one is going to caress my tear stained face and tell me I’m beautiful.
Loneliness is the human condition, I need to get used to it.
Seriously. My boyfriend knows that I have BPD, and instead of letting me push him away when I try so hard to, he makes me work through my urges and feelings. Sometimes I was so mean to him, I even hated myself. But after 3 months of working through this, plus the two years before that he helped me just as friends, I think things are finally starting to turn around.
Everyone deserves someone like that.
I feel like intellectually I’m able to process things and handle life and be smart and good at that but emotionally I’m a wreck and that ruins everything.
As in, “She’s really smart but it’s too bad she can’t get her shit together.”
okay.
I get Jealous about the slightest things.
About things that don’t concern me, really.
And it makes me wish sometimes that I didn’t have friends. So this wouldn’t happen.
Why do I let these things take up my time and energy? I mean, honestly, my life may suck but why do I feel so possessive of my friends? They’re people, not items. They have friends other than me. And just because I don’t have many friends doesn’t mean I can be hateful. And yet I am.
I’m so Borderline. I hate myself.
“People with Borderline Personality Disorder experience such violent and frightening mood swings that they often fear for their sanity. They can be euphoric one moment, despairing and depressed the next. They show symptoms such as: a shaky sense of identity; sudden violent outbursts;...
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