[Le Sigh]

I remember now why I jump into relationships (when I find someone worthy of one) so quickly.  

Everyone kept warning me with James to wait, and take it slow, aaaaaaand we jumped into basically one after a week. Rick was 3 weeks.  

The only relationship I consider successful, was Cory, and that's probably because we became friends first and liked each other for years. 

During the weeks between "Hey, I just met you, this is crazy" and "I want to date you exclusively" There is so much potential for rejection. So much opportunity for the other person to say "You actually aren't what I want, goodbye."  

And most others, while stung would be "oh, well, bye douchebag" and move on with their lives. 

But I grow so attached so quickly, having a stronger sense of intimacy because of the strength of the emotion I have feeling like I've been dating them for months, instead of days. 

And this relationship that I'm working towards... has been a month.  

And its driving me insane inside...... but I'm thinking this is a good thing.  

I made a deal with him: 

"I'll stop trying so hard, if you promise to tell me when I do something wrong. Then I'll just assume I'm not doing things wrong." 

I've held on to that.  Even though its hard.  

This time around, I'm having to compete with his life. Where as previous relationships our lives molded against each other in a matter of days, he's resisted this, creating what I think is more of a foundation, rather than what seems to have been physically based relationships.  

I'm probably just an Oxytocin addict. 

Which isn't totally off chart.  Brains like mine feel Oxytocin more than others. More.. sensitive I guess, and I guess I'm happier and stable when I am flooded with it. 

But still, there's always the little fears inside.  I have to battle to see him, i feel like. He's always busy.  And I swear there's a little crushing noise in my head every time he says so.  And I guess I either have high expectations or I just don't know what normal is since I've forced everyone else so quickly.  

As I was trying to explain this phenomenon to someone else, I came across this in my studies: 

"People with borderline personality disorder have a deep fear of abandonment. They compete for social acceptance, are terrified of rejection and often feel lonely even in the context of an intimate relationship. Therefore, it is more difficult for them to manage the normal ups and downs of a romantic partnership."

The flip side of the fear is the hope that a relationship will be completely soothing. People with this disorder may idealize a family member, romantic partner or friend, and then become enraged when an inevitable disappointment occurs.

It makes sense now. I idealize it. I idealized him. In my head, I made him perfect, and when he interrupted that image, I get hurt. Its all me.   

So, this means, now that I'm aware of it.. my brain will always be in a constant battle with my wiring.  From seeing comments towards other girls, interactions with others.  

I will always have to battle for trust.  To trust.  But I want it. OH I want to be able to trust.  

I just have a feeling that I'm growing a trust rather than jumping in and forcing a trust.  Its possible, whether this relationship works or not, that i'll learn what normal is, because everytime the Borderline Shows up, he pushes right back, leading this relationship to NOT be Borderline Controlled. I just need to relax and let things happen. 

And I feel like I finally have someone who has the patience and strength to let me stabilize myself and help me have a NORMAL life, even if the moments leaving up to that moment  tears me apart inside.  

Here's to relaxing.