[Le Sigh]
I remember now why I jump into relationships (when I find someone worthy of one) so quickly.
Everyone kept warning me with James to wait, and take it slow, aaaaaaand we jumped into basically one after a week. Rick was 3 weeks.
The only relationship I consider successful, was Cory, and that's probably because we became friends first and liked each other for years.
During the weeks between "Hey, I just met you, this is crazy" and "I want to date you exclusively" There is so much potential for rejection. So much opportunity for the other person to say "You actually aren't what I want, goodbye."
And most others, while stung would be "oh, well, bye douchebag" and move on with their lives.
But I grow so attached so quickly, having a stronger sense of intimacy because of the strength of the emotion I have feeling like I've been dating them for months, instead of days.
And this relationship that I'm working towards... has been a month.
And its driving me insane inside...... but I'm thinking this is a good thing.
I made a deal with him:
"I'll stop trying so hard, if you promise to tell me when I do something wrong. Then I'll just assume I'm not doing things wrong."
I've held on to that. Even though its hard.
This time around, I'm having to compete with his life. Where as previous relationships our lives molded against each other in a matter of days, he's resisted this, creating what I think is more of a foundation, rather than what seems to have been physically based relationships.
I'm probably just an Oxytocin addict.
Which isn't totally off chart. Brains like mine feel Oxytocin more than others. More.. sensitive I guess, and I guess I'm happier and stable when I am flooded with it.
But still, there's always the little fears inside. I have to battle to see him, i feel like. He's always busy. And I swear there's a little crushing noise in my head every time he says so. And I guess I either have high expectations or I just don't know what normal is since I've forced everyone else so quickly.
As I was trying to explain this phenomenon to someone else, I came across this in my studies:
"People with borderline personality disorder have a deep fear of abandonment. They compete for social acceptance, are terrified of rejection and often feel lonely even in the context of an intimate relationship. Therefore, it is more difficult for them to manage the normal ups and downs of a romantic partnership."
The flip side of the fear is the hope that a relationship will be completely soothing. People with this disorder may idealize a family member, romantic partner or friend, and then become enraged when an inevitable disappointment occurs.
It makes sense now. I idealize it. I idealized him. In my head, I made him perfect, and when he interrupted that image, I get hurt. Its all me.
So, this means, now that I'm aware of it.. my brain will always be in a constant battle with my wiring. From seeing comments towards other girls, interactions with others.
I will always have to battle for trust. To trust. But I want it. OH I want to be able to trust.
I just have a feeling that I'm growing a trust rather than jumping in and forcing a trust. Its possible, whether this relationship works or not, that i'll learn what normal is, because everytime the Borderline Shows up, he pushes right back, leading this relationship to NOT be Borderline Controlled. I just need to relax and let things happen.
And I feel like I finally have someone who has the patience and strength to let me stabilize myself and help me have a NORMAL life, even if the moments leaving up to that moment tears me apart inside.
Here's to relaxing.
Everyone kept warning me with James to wait, and take it slow, aaaaaaand we jumped into basically one after a week. Rick was 3 weeks.
The only relationship I consider successful, was Cory, and that's probably because we became friends first and liked each other for years.
During the weeks between "Hey, I just met you, this is crazy" and "I want to date you exclusively" There is so much potential for rejection. So much opportunity for the other person to say "You actually aren't what I want, goodbye."
And most others, while stung would be "oh, well, bye douchebag" and move on with their lives.
But I grow so attached so quickly, having a stronger sense of intimacy because of the strength of the emotion I have feeling like I've been dating them for months, instead of days.
And this relationship that I'm working towards... has been a month.
And its driving me insane inside...... but I'm thinking this is a good thing.
I made a deal with him:
"I'll stop trying so hard, if you promise to tell me when I do something wrong. Then I'll just assume I'm not doing things wrong."
I've held on to that. Even though its hard.
This time around, I'm having to compete with his life. Where as previous relationships our lives molded against each other in a matter of days, he's resisted this, creating what I think is more of a foundation, rather than what seems to have been physically based relationships.
I'm probably just an Oxytocin addict.
Which isn't totally off chart. Brains like mine feel Oxytocin more than others. More.. sensitive I guess, and I guess I'm happier and stable when I am flooded with it.
But still, there's always the little fears inside. I have to battle to see him, i feel like. He's always busy. And I swear there's a little crushing noise in my head every time he says so. And I guess I either have high expectations or I just don't know what normal is since I've forced everyone else so quickly.
As I was trying to explain this phenomenon to someone else, I came across this in my studies:
"People with borderline personality disorder have a deep fear of abandonment. They compete for social acceptance, are terrified of rejection and often feel lonely even in the context of an intimate relationship. Therefore, it is more difficult for them to manage the normal ups and downs of a romantic partnership."
The flip side of the fear is the hope that a relationship will be completely soothing. People with this disorder may idealize a family member, romantic partner or friend, and then become enraged when an inevitable disappointment occurs.
It makes sense now. I idealize it. I idealized him. In my head, I made him perfect, and when he interrupted that image, I get hurt. Its all me.
So, this means, now that I'm aware of it.. my brain will always be in a constant battle with my wiring. From seeing comments towards other girls, interactions with others.
I will always have to battle for trust. To trust. But I want it. OH I want to be able to trust.
I just have a feeling that I'm growing a trust rather than jumping in and forcing a trust. Its possible, whether this relationship works or not, that i'll learn what normal is, because everytime the Borderline Shows up, he pushes right back, leading this relationship to NOT be Borderline Controlled. I just need to relax and let things happen.
And I feel like I finally have someone who has the patience and strength to let me stabilize myself and help me have a NORMAL life, even if the moments leaving up to that moment tears me apart inside.
Here's to relaxing.
16 thoughts :
No,
You just don't get it. Keep telling yourself that he likes you, it will probably keep you sane when he starts ignoring you. It always ends the same and its always your fault. Stop trying to change that, cause it just won't happen. You'll just damage someone else.
You know my views on this, I've stated them before on this thing you try to pass off as a blog. More just a place to cry for attention.
In reality, if you have to compete with someone, they're most likely seeing someone else at the same time. Otherwise they'd make time for you. Well, others. Not that you would be worth that time.
Just food for thought.
Anon. I think we, and Laura have made it quite clear that you are not welcome on this blog.
She posts weaknesses and her joy at over coming them and that's when you seem to strike. Those aren't cries for attention your comments are.
Laura, hold on. If you think this boy has worth than hold on to that. Don't let someone who knows absolutely nothing plant thoughts in your head. Sometimes people are just busy. My girlfriend and I have to battle our schedules as well. Your life is probably more open than his and thus you can see the gaps.
I can see where your brain might go. Don't let it go there. Do what you said. Relax and let yourself learn. Things will be okay.
Hey. Don't let stupid head here get in the way of what you want. Hold tight to your feelings. We love you.
-B
I think it's obvious who suffers the most here: the one that tears down the weak, and feels that crushing the attempts of the struggling will bring relief. Perhaps that anonymous is dying on the inside, and suffering in the dark prison of its heart, seeks to spread its lack of cheer to others who will most likely be affected: those who are already trying to head in a better direction. In which case, pitiful. That self-destructive cycle will always bring more pain that healing.
Don't listen to that attention seeking bully.
I enjoy reading your blog, and it has given me strength when I really needed it.
I envy your ability to talk about your life, and how strong your friendships are, even if you forget that sometimes. (you always remember in the end though. :) )
When you write, your stories are so... complex and amazing and confusing, I often don't understand them but I keep reading *and I don't know why*.
As for relationships? You don't give up. You've said you try too hard, and that I can understand, but you haven't given up yet. With all you've been through it would be so easy for you to just give up and shut down. Yet you don't. You don't really know me, we've talked a bit but not much, but I'm proud of you for that. I envy you for that too. I think I'm close to giving up, but reading your experiences gives me strength.
Stay happy, stay frosty. And if you get caught in the open, exposed and vulnerable and something happens? Keep your chin up, flip off the idiots, then grab your gun & bring in the cat. ;)
-t
oh look. its support group meeting time. sorry i missed it this time, but somebody else decided to sing the truth for me.
thanks.
Yeah, sorry they beat you to the "douche bag" portion of your day. That must really suck.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I've been a supporter of yours now for a while. Sure I haven't been part of the vocal 'normal' group on here, but I've sure supported you in your life in other ways.
But that last comment was pretty bitchy. Sure there's obviously more than one 'Anonymous' on here which comments, and you're lumping them all into the same person, it seems. For example, I'm sure the first one on this post and the most recent one are different in so many ways: tone, style, etc. Sure they aren't the nicest people with their very blunt opinions, but very few of them have actually made a point to insult you. Actually they've even said that they're expressing these 'unpopular' opinions so you see them and can learn and grow from that knowledge. It sure seems nobody else wants to show you the truth that. A truth I'm sure most of us can see: you need honesty, because you can't see it. And if you can't see it, you sure can't change it.
You've just now proved that you're going to stoop below them by throwing insults. I get standing up for yourself, but this is something different. You were *mean* this time. And this isn't the first time. It's been happening more and more. Sure you call it 'standing up for yourself' but you can be firm without being mean. I don't think you know the difference.
I sure don't know what's happened to you. But you've changed into a mean person. And I sure can't support that. I'm sorry, but that's not the person I knew and wanted to support. Don't expect to see me on here or in person anymore. Bye.
Haha. When I have several anonymous people all telling me I'm not worth anything and then other anonymous get on to tell me they agree with them then yes. If you don't want to be lumped in with the other anonymous people who make it a point in their lives to feed my paranoid and make me feel like the only legit choice I can make in my life is to kill my self, then take your honesty with kindness, not with snideness and sarcasm.
And I know you're different than 1, anonymous proxy person. I know your system and IP when It comes in. And I know all of *your* comments and they have not all been nice and in fact have been ones that others have jumped on.
You are correct. I do need truth. But 'truth' that comes off from someone hating me is not truth that anyone will listen to. All youve ever managed to do is make me fume and wonder why someone could hate me so much to make comments with out backing them up. And have had a negative impact in my life.
For 4 years ive been hit with people trying to tell me my worth because they think its fun. Look back through thr comments in 2010. If you were acyually supportive like you claimed to be... you would have had some form of positive impact.
And i can actually back up my opinion with others opinions.
If you think I'm mean because if decided you haven't been nice based on your words then you have to look at yourself. Especially when you're claiming that someone else sung the truth for you.
And no. There was nothing bitchy about my comment. Just sarcasm. And it definitely was no where near the mocking of your tone making fun of the people supporting me.
If you leave good riddance. You've done nothing supportive.
*waves*
If you stay... by all means. Just be supportively honest. Which is something you have yet to do. You just claimed to support anon 1 with your words.
um, that wasnt me.
you pissed off somebody that you though was me. thats ironic.
*sigh* WHATEVER I DON'T CARE. You're all anonymous. You could all be the same person. You could be my neighbor.
Guys, this isn't the best week for me. I *am* tired of people deciding what my worth is, and my brain deciding to go along with it without my permission. And if I finally snap for it, then so be it. I spend alot of my life not snapping when my brain wants me to. So when I actually snap, well yeah.
I pissed someone off with sarcasm. So what.
BE NICE
or leave.
I like followers.
I don't like un nice people.
I am borderline, and case and point, my reaction to a previous comment proves it.
Regardless of who people are, either identify yourself in some anonymous form, or SOMETHING. You're all confusing.
And I don't need extra paranoia from ghosts on my blog. I can barely hang on during my real life.
Don't mind the waste in the streets. Many anons, especially the negative ones, believe you should act according to how they want you to be: vulnerable. When seeing an injured bird, they would kill it to end its misery instead of caring for it till its wing healed, or until it had had some joys in life (if the injury was more serious). This callous regard for life is not to be respected.
Remember to emphasize with your ideal self, and to become what you want to be. Progress comes first from a budding desire, followed by the need to be that desire.
I am going to jump in here and give Laura the best advice I can give her. Laura delete them all. Don't read them especially since you are having a hard time. Stay away from cyber space and be in the real world where People love you and care about you. I know you want to leave the blog open for comments but it is time to shut the comments off. If you have people that want to get a hold of you then they can do so but not through the blog. You did this to help others, and now it's time to help yourself. Don't bother with them just turn off the comments. Life is too short. Be with people who will build you up and make you better. You don't need this at all!
My question is, "Are you sometimes Anon to your own post?"
There's some rather grammatically correct and vitriolic writing here and I'm wondering if you're self-attacking or if there really are bitters in the blogosphere who are bombastic trolls. The inner voice or the outer tyrant?
@marauding angel
oh no, there's definitely bitter anon's out there. We've reported several to the honor code office for cyberbullying through other social media means. And connected the dots from logged IP addresses. I'm super curious as to why you think that the gramatically correct nature of someones comments is corollary criteria for the owner of the comment to be me.
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