[You]
Dear You,
Almost 3 years ago, I broke up with my first love. It shattered my reality, and from that night I became a full fledged Borderline, though I had several instances previous to that which showed there were deep problems rooted in my silly brain.
During the course of the next 2 weeks, I prayed and prayed hard on how to get him back. 2 and a half weeks of sedatives and anxiety attacks as I was faced with the first ever idea that someone could actually reject me. Paranoid, the urge to have him back by my side to relieve that rejection was so heavy that it was the ONLY thing on my mind. The only thing. Everything I did was directed to make him change his mind, just to make me feel better, I felt I couldn't survive with that hole anymore. And it wasn't til I collapsed to the ground after weeping at the piano, and asked the question to my Heavenly Father, "Where is my peace? Is he who I marry?" I received an answer. My first ever answer. The words in a quiet, yet strong voice in my head that I felt rather than heard, "He is not the one you will choose to marry, you will choose someone else." came to me, and I felt my first ever experience of the "burning in your bosom." I cannot ever forget that feeling, that answer, that my Father in Heaven knew me. KNEW me. My prayer was answered, though, I admit, I wasn't too pleased with it.
But Even now as I look back, I see that not only did he know me, he knew You. Whomever You are. You are a specific person, who in the equation of my life can be represented as X. From my perspective, X can be anything, but from God's perspective, he already knows who you are. From his perspective you are a static unchanging variable based on my choice that I make sometime in the future. I pick someone else to marry. I pick you. When I received my patriarchal blessing back in 2007, the patriarch asked if there was anything specific I wanted asked to be spoken about in my blessing. I asked him to ask about You. I wanted to know about you.
5 years ago, my goal in life was to find you, my best friend.
"At the appropriate time and place a man who honors his priesthood and you as a daughter of God will ask you to join in the temple with him for all time and eternity. "
One LOUSY line.
It told me nothing.
But, "at the appropriate time and place" If I found you before now, I would have Borderlined all over you, and our relationship would have failed just as all the rest of them have.
I had a dream. This again was shortly after my first major break up, but after my Answer. I had asked very hard to see you. To know that you existed.
You appeared with the face of a familiar imaginary friend I had all my life. Nik. It was exhilarating to realistically speak to someone who had been interacting me through the limits of imagination, and now could through a full reality simulated by a dream world. Pranks were made, laughter was had. We went on a date filled with adventure and animals, trees and exploration. We talked about science, and physics. And at the end of it, we sat on a chair, I guess it could have been some form of throne. I sat on your lap and looked at your face, the face of my friend whom I trusted, and your face blurred. It changed into a face that has since been removed from my memory. In dreams, things change without alarming the viewer, and as such didn't really notice the change till analysis later. I touched you. We held hands, I smelled you. I buried my face in your chest and ran my fingers through your hair. I'd like to say you had light colored hair, whether dark blonde or light brown. I'd also like to say you have light colored eyes, and a smile that made me feel weak. I knew you. I felt I had known you all my life.
I kissed you.
and you kissed me back.
Then you told me it was time to wake up. I was confused. I was awake. And then I realized it was a dream.
You touched my face, a light caress, and You told me you loved me, with every fiber of your being.
and I started to cry.
Where are you? I reached out to touch you one last time. To hold you. To belong to you.
"You still have to find me"
And I closed my eyes as you kissed me one final time, and when I opened them, I was looking at my ceiling with the full knowledge that what I had just seen was real, and was a gift to me. Probably the only one of that kind I'll ever get.
Have you been looking? Cause I haven't stopped since that day.
And I can't wait to find You. And I want to know all of your flaws, so that I can kiss them all and accept them. I want to know you inside and out. And I want to love every part of you, Good and Bad. And you will laugh with me at all my silliness as I have tried very hard to locate you.
Are you in my life already? That would be silly if I've been looking for you and you've been right there all this time.
Will you love me like that? Can you accept my Borderline? Will you comfort me for silly things? Will you love me for my emotional side? Can you love me for my emotional side?
"every body has a dark side. Can you love me, can you love mine?"
I guess you can't love mine, until I love mine. And I'm on the path to appreciating the wonderfulness of the extremes I experience.
And that's where I shall go. For I believe at the end of that path is where I shall find you.
For there is a You. You are selected. God knows ahead of time who I will choose. And every 11:11, and Shooting star wish I make, I make it on your behalf. I wish that YOU have an amazing day. I wish that You had something awesome happen. I wish for blessings that I get to be bestowed on you. I wish to know you. So much.
And I can't wait to meet you. And belong to you.
Someday. Someday Soon.
Love with all my heart,
Me.
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