Love Thyself
First off, for those of you who don't understand what Borderline Personality is, read here. Its the most succinct explanation. http://essex-behavioural-therapy.co.uk/article.asp?aid=36&topic=what-is-borderline-personality-disorder
TV and Movies don't give us the best connotations.
So, James and I are not together.
That was a bummer, but not complete and utter destruction.
His reason? I seem to place my self value in other people. Which does make sense, considering I'm Borderline.
And I considered this, Do I hate myself because others hate me? Do I depend on others to be happy?
Over the last month I've started seeing the blessings of being Borderline. And I have come to apply the lessons I've learned from how others interact.
Never again will I ever judge someone for their reaction. EVER. Your behavior might influence how much I interact with you, but never will I judge you for it.
You do things for your own reasons, whether I know or understand them, they are important to you. You will never do it because you are crazy. You might be clingy because someone has hurt you in your past, not cause you're bored. You might react with anger and bruise easily because of the beatings you've taken in the past. Not because you're psychotic or crazy. I, braggingly, might be one of the few people out there who legitimately can understand your problems, should you bring them to me, without judgement.
In any interaction, it doesn't matter who said what, when it was said, or what the intentions were. If someone got hurt, someone got hurt, and to them, its legitimate. Validate the emotion, and apologize for the misintention and miscommunication. You don't have to admit who was right and who was wrong, just that there was a miscommunication in there, and they may have a right to feel what they feel. Problem solved. Arguing about who said what and when doesn't help.
And finally, if someone approaches you about something you have done, don't argue or attack them, they're already hurt approaching you, why do you feel the need to do it anymore?
My borderline has allowed me to play devil's advocate during conversations, allowing me to see the whole picture with the theoreticals of why someone did what they did, and it helps me realize they're not out to get the other person.
The borderline has taught me that yes, there are many sad emotions, but the high I can get without guard is higher than anyone else. I can love, and appreciate more than others because I don't have coping mechanisms or even blockades for shutting it down before it runs its course.
And it makes me consider, am I happy with who I am? When the sad emotions come, I probably still say stuff like "take my brain and give me a new one" but I'm learning. Each emotion doesn't last as long, and more often than not, I am better at handling it. My brain is rewiring itself. I can feel it.
Do I place my self value in others? when people hate me do I hate myself? I think at somepoint that was very prevalent. I definitely have done that in the past. And old habits die hard unfortunately. And its one I have to fight and get over. Am I happy with who I am though? I think I am.... and not only that, ... I'm starting to love who I am, and the dark side of me, for everything it has taught me. It is not just a curse anymore, and everyday I see more and more of a blessing from it as it gives me a unique perspective on life. and I can't begin to explain the sheer utter joy of not being filled with self loathing for that which I felt I was cursed with, but instead filled with love for the trial I have.
I was promised a strength in a blessing, a strength in myself that I had yet to see at the time I was given the blessing. And, you know, I'm seeing it. Its hard to, but I'm seeing it. And this... this comes 4 months down the line. I can't wait to find out where I am in another 4 months.
I once told James, to pretend I was an alien trying to blend in. I mimick others in order not to stand out. And it doesn't work.
His response? "You know how I see it? If you're an Alien, be an alien."
Love yourself. God loved me enough to give me this perspective.
Hey, Guess what. I'm a Borderline.
TV and Movies don't give us the best connotations.
So, James and I are not together.
That was a bummer, but not complete and utter destruction.
His reason? I seem to place my self value in other people. Which does make sense, considering I'm Borderline.
And I considered this, Do I hate myself because others hate me? Do I depend on others to be happy?
Over the last month I've started seeing the blessings of being Borderline. And I have come to apply the lessons I've learned from how others interact.
Never again will I ever judge someone for their reaction. EVER. Your behavior might influence how much I interact with you, but never will I judge you for it.
You do things for your own reasons, whether I know or understand them, they are important to you. You will never do it because you are crazy. You might be clingy because someone has hurt you in your past, not cause you're bored. You might react with anger and bruise easily because of the beatings you've taken in the past. Not because you're psychotic or crazy. I, braggingly, might be one of the few people out there who legitimately can understand your problems, should you bring them to me, without judgement.
In any interaction, it doesn't matter who said what, when it was said, or what the intentions were. If someone got hurt, someone got hurt, and to them, its legitimate. Validate the emotion, and apologize for the misintention and miscommunication. You don't have to admit who was right and who was wrong, just that there was a miscommunication in there, and they may have a right to feel what they feel. Problem solved. Arguing about who said what and when doesn't help.
And finally, if someone approaches you about something you have done, don't argue or attack them, they're already hurt approaching you, why do you feel the need to do it anymore?
My borderline has allowed me to play devil's advocate during conversations, allowing me to see the whole picture with the theoreticals of why someone did what they did, and it helps me realize they're not out to get the other person.
The borderline has taught me that yes, there are many sad emotions, but the high I can get without guard is higher than anyone else. I can love, and appreciate more than others because I don't have coping mechanisms or even blockades for shutting it down before it runs its course.
And it makes me consider, am I happy with who I am? When the sad emotions come, I probably still say stuff like "take my brain and give me a new one" but I'm learning. Each emotion doesn't last as long, and more often than not, I am better at handling it. My brain is rewiring itself. I can feel it.
Do I place my self value in others? when people hate me do I hate myself? I think at somepoint that was very prevalent. I definitely have done that in the past. And old habits die hard unfortunately. And its one I have to fight and get over. Am I happy with who I am though? I think I am.... and not only that, ... I'm starting to love who I am, and the dark side of me, for everything it has taught me. It is not just a curse anymore, and everyday I see more and more of a blessing from it as it gives me a unique perspective on life. and I can't begin to explain the sheer utter joy of not being filled with self loathing for that which I felt I was cursed with, but instead filled with love for the trial I have.
I was promised a strength in a blessing, a strength in myself that I had yet to see at the time I was given the blessing. And, you know, I'm seeing it. Its hard to, but I'm seeing it. And this... this comes 4 months down the line. I can't wait to find out where I am in another 4 months.
I once told James, to pretend I was an alien trying to blend in. I mimick others in order not to stand out. And it doesn't work.
His response? "You know how I see it? If you're an Alien, be an alien."
Love yourself. God loved me enough to give me this perspective.
Hey, Guess what. I'm a Borderline.
14 thoughts :
You require professional help.
Good thing that's not up to you... whomever you are. I request that you stay off the blog. I do not need your commentary on my life or those of my friends. Whatever your reasoning is for doing this I mildly suggest you pick other reasons because you're interfering with my life in an unchristlike way. Whether I have professional help or not is not your business. Nor is any of the other comments you have made. Your proxy does not hide you and I request you leave me alone.
i thought she was getting professional help . . . ?
either way, i will personally bet $5,782 plus my car that you will not . . .
- move out of state AND
- 100% cut off contact with your group (no email, no twitter, no facebook, no phone, no old pictures)
- make new out of state friends
just because i'm that sure you won't do it, even if it's the best thing for you to start a better life
here's to another decade of the kikastrophe relationship cycle
i love my friends
i hate my friends
my friends hate me
i love my friends even though they hate me
they never really hated me
my friends loved me along
or do they?
i love my friends but it hurts so good
i have borderline IT WAS ALL A DREAM!!!
you know, THIS anonymous wants you to succeed. but until you choose the obvious solution . . . i guess i'll just sit back with my popcorn and enjoy the show.
I just don't understand why that's required
. The amount of time spent with the old group has been limited to practically nothing the last little while.... the cycle will continue regardless of which group of friends I'm with. Which sucks. Its the cycle of borderline. Symptom 1: unstable interpersonal relationships. Doesn't matter who its with
Read any borderline blog or book. The main problem is lack of clear understanding for my disorder and my inability to not take things personally. Which will happen someday.
And I know who *you* are. Its actually nice to see you're still around. Whatever you think the obvious solution is, God does not agree and I've been following the promptings
But I thank you for your concern.... it means a lot.
And yes your cycle is totally correct. It makes me laugh at how rediculous I am. I don't want to move out of Utah I like it here. I don't cut off contact because the "they hate me" is borderline psychosis talking and I can't trust it. Consistently the problem is me. The common denominator is me. Why put myself on another group when I *know* there's still people around who still love me.even though I'm.a monster? Its a perceived abandonment. Its why I can't do.it 100 all at once. And that's not for lack of trying. My friend Jessica recommended it once upon a time and.I've tried 3 times. What's easy for others is not easy for me. Very not easy for me.
And yes. I've put many hours and lots of money into therapy.
Anon 2 is entirely correct. Creepily correct, in fact.
I'll just say a simple statement, as I'm going to get an ear-full of contradiction later.
Mind over matter. Don't let your perceived emotional state own you- Own it. You keep saying that your Borderline allows you to play the 'Devils Advocate'. Yet, you also claim that Borderline causes you to respond to external stimuli in extreme ways. A Devils Advocate can truly step out of context and support or push either agenda in a conflict- that, by definition, means that he/she is in direct, unwavering control of all emotional response (they need to be to put themselves in an opposing position and reason out that sides logic).
I can see a few circumstances (some that have actually occurred) where you have been able to play DA... But the fact that you respond to conflict (as illustrated by the 'cycle of kikastrophe' that Anon 2 laid out) in such a severe fashion prevents you from truly stepping into a neutral role.
Now instead of trying to do that, why don't you just hold on to what makes you happy? Happy with yourself??? Because I know that your close friends, and even some distant ones, are happier and more at ease around you when you're happy with yourself. I know, cheesy, but entirely true. Look to yourself for personal enlightenment, personal fulfillment- keep at it, and the rest will follow.
I'm with Anon 2- I sit, I watch, and I want you to succeed. But the cycle has been repeating, and until you break it (by starting with yourself) nothing will change, and I'll grab some butter for that popcorn.
Oh, and on the note of being able to relate (and don't pretend to be a techno-detective, you know who I am) I'm Borderline too. And I did experience all that you are. And no, I didn't get through it because I don't care.
#mindblown
#tableflip
Your journey has you becoming more and more comfortable with the beast inside, for lack of better words. I commend you for facing it head on and blogging about it accordingly. You accept it for what it is, but also don't use it as an excuse to treat one unfairly.
If one chooses to turn away, you don't blame them. That takes a lot. I know bits and pieces of your story. Your journey. It intrigues me because I'm interested in what makes a person tick or think certain ways, but also because it helps me makes sense out of a person in my life I care very much for as well.
Drifting apart happens even when people were once very close friends: people move, life circumstances change, priorities are shifted, jobs lost or found…people simply change, and the friendship changes too. Sometimes friends just lose touch and move on. Other times people end relationships on purpose, especially if they're weak or unhealthy. When people end unhealthy friendships, they decide to say good-bye for good and cut off all contact.
Several factors can masquerade as "things in common": proximity (simply living or working near one another), common friends, partners who are friends, children who are friends, or loneliness. Other relationships start in one chapter of life, and don’t easily transfer into the next chapter, such as a friendship that began in while you were married to one person, and that ended after the divorce.
Consider ending a friendship if:
You don’t feel respected, and your friend doesn’t seem to hear your concerns. For instance, they may be constantly late meeting you and then disregard your feelings. Or they borrow money and neglect to repay it, or borrow items and return them broken or not at all.
You can’t speak your mind honestly, or can’t find space in the conversation to speak at all (healthy boundaries don't exist with bad or codependent friends).
You leave your visits feeling depressed, frustrated, exhausted, depleted or angry. A friend should leave you feeling happy, content, connected, and hopeful. A bad friend makes you feel bad.
Your friend behaves immorally, unethically, illegally, or in any way that runs counter to your beliefs and values. Ending a friendship like this -- which can be codependent -- may be the best thing for both of you.
Your friend never makes the effort to call or visit you. You find yourself reaching out, with minimal success. Sometimes you don't even need to formally end a friendship with bad friends, it just happens naturally. Unhealthy, codependent friendships can die a natural death.
You're friends with an energy vampire.
Ending unhealthy friendships could protect your well-being.
It is endlessly amusing how you can't form a long enough coherent thought to for a semi-stable response. Hence your need to comment then comment again less than an hour later.
Nah, I just thought of other things to say as I thought about your response. Why its amusing, I'm not sure. What is amusing is the fact that you have some form of neurosis, and endlessly make fun of me for no particular reason. I'm not sure what you're hoping to accomplish, but I find it interesting that you keep finding yourself drawn back here. I'm obviously very fascinating to you if you must find some way to degrade me. And you seem to think you haven't achieved said level of degradement otherwise you'd leave me alone.
You might want to get your neurosis looked at. Could get nasty someday.
Also (as I am purposefully separating this just for your amusement) Your standards of excellence are not mine. I feel no desire to "rise up" and challenge your statements, or change because of them. I feel no shame in your statements, because they come from someone who loathes themselves so much internally they have to turn out ward to let some of it out.
and I Pity you.
I guess boredom is a good enough reason for internet trolls. You have nothing better to do than seek out those trying to recover from traumatic circumstances and degrade them.
I do encourage you to stay however, mostly due to the fact its flattering that someone out there reads EVERY word I write, (mostly cause they're looking for ammo against me) AND, because it means less time available to harm others.
^_^
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