Feeling
If this comes off as me being Bitchy, I apologize ahead of time. This was a response to a chat conversation. And you know, it kinda needs to be said.
Yes, I splurt emotion everywhere
yes its tiring
yes people get hurty
yes I pay the consequences
by not being invited to things
or having friends leave me
yes its absolutely and totally my fault everytime I do that
BUT I NEVER DO IT BECAUSE IM BORED
its because someone lied to me
and instead of taking responsibility for it, they throw all the blame on me and my emotion and my 'reaction'
its because someone promised me something
its because someone betrayed me
and no one sits around and says. "Oh, I guess we did tell laura she could come to this, we should fix this so she can come, or at least apologize"
no.
they all say, "I guess we did tell laura at some point she could come to this, and now shes upset HOW DARE SHE, we must get mad at her for this, and declare her crazy"
this last week, no one invited me to anything
was I upset? no
i was irked that they call me friends and continue to get together with out me, and I'm helpless to get in, but I found other stuff to do
if all of the squad got together tonight with out me, I'd be a little hurt that it was a group activity and no one thought, "hey, laura's part of the group, lets see if we can get her here as well"
but, that happens alot
i survive those.
and find something else to do
i react the SAME way everyone else does when they find out that someone lied to them
mine is just stronger and can be felt more
and if the fact that I have more emotion and it means you can feel your mistake more than the person who kept quiet, means I need to be forgiven
then that means that my existence is technically wrong
that ME and who i am and my chemical make up is wrong
if you can see the pain in my face, and hear it in my voice, when I say, hey, that hurt. and I need to be forgiven for that.....
that's like saying a bully slaps a kid and then the kid says THAT WAS DUMB WHY'D YOU DO THAT.
and then the whole school gets mad at him for it
and I'm tired of that unfair ness
but
literally... that unfairness ONLY happens within the squad
which is why, when I opened this conversation with you, I asked if the group as a whole is over sensitive and over dramatic
I know now that my borderline isn't as bad as it really seems
its just excerbated by everyone else
I know that my emotions aren't bad emotions
just my reactions are strong
but I always ALWAYS broach the situation with caution when someone wrongs me.
because I'm TOO afraid that if I make them mad they'll leave me
if there's anything you should know about me is that i truely believe with all my heart if I hurt you, you'll leave
if I annoy you, You'll leave
if I do anything to hurt the elligibility of my friendship, you'll leave
so If I ever converse with you, understand that fear, that terror controls my actions
and that should tell you exactly what my intentions are at all times
and I'm at the point where if people are like... "stop borderlining" I want to shout back "stop being douches and causing them"
if you stab a dog with a stick of course he's going to bite you
until he's trained not to
I NEVER react out of anger
except for yesterday when I was purposefully a witch to natalia's roommate because of dumb stuff
and it was actually exhillerating to be angry for the first time in a long time
but I am always in 1 of 3 modes. Terror, sad/hurt or happy
oh, I guess irritated, but usually when someone does something to wrong me, I usually think its my fault in someway
in fact
here's a better example of what I see happening
I've been in a fire. My skin is burned off.
and Chris or Kristen or Ashley touches me
I have a couple choices, I could be like... please don't touch me
or move away
or whatever
i tend to go with the knee jerk reaction of HEY! that hurts
and start crying
because its so agonizing
and then I get this
"Yeah, I touched you. So what. Deal with it"
and then I get a "You cry baby, why can't you stop crying it was only a touch"
then it was a "HOW DARE YOU BE UPSET"
in which case I have a choice that I can say: Either stop touching me or get away from me
it shouldn't be that hard for people to keep their word
unless they have priorities other than the people they make committments to
period
Yes, I splurt emotion everywhere
yes its tiring
yes people get hurty
yes I pay the consequences
by not being invited to things
or having friends leave me
yes its absolutely and totally my fault everytime I do that
BUT I NEVER DO IT BECAUSE IM BORED
its because someone lied to me
and instead of taking responsibility for it, they throw all the blame on me and my emotion and my 'reaction'
its because someone promised me something
its because someone betrayed me
and no one sits around and says. "Oh, I guess we did tell laura she could come to this, we should fix this so she can come, or at least apologize"
no.
they all say, "I guess we did tell laura at some point she could come to this, and now shes upset HOW DARE SHE, we must get mad at her for this, and declare her crazy"
this last week, no one invited me to anything
was I upset? no
i was irked that they call me friends and continue to get together with out me, and I'm helpless to get in, but I found other stuff to do
if all of the squad got together tonight with out me, I'd be a little hurt that it was a group activity and no one thought, "hey, laura's part of the group, lets see if we can get her here as well"
but, that happens alot
i survive those.
and find something else to do
i react the SAME way everyone else does when they find out that someone lied to them
mine is just stronger and can be felt more
and if the fact that I have more emotion and it means you can feel your mistake more than the person who kept quiet, means I need to be forgiven
then that means that my existence is technically wrong
that ME and who i am and my chemical make up is wrong
if you can see the pain in my face, and hear it in my voice, when I say, hey, that hurt. and I need to be forgiven for that.....
that's like saying a bully slaps a kid and then the kid says THAT WAS DUMB WHY'D YOU DO THAT.
and then the whole school gets mad at him for it
and I'm tired of that unfair ness
but
literally... that unfairness ONLY happens within the squad
which is why, when I opened this conversation with you, I asked if the group as a whole is over sensitive and over dramatic
I know now that my borderline isn't as bad as it really seems
its just excerbated by everyone else
I know that my emotions aren't bad emotions
just my reactions are strong
but I always ALWAYS broach the situation with caution when someone wrongs me.
because I'm TOO afraid that if I make them mad they'll leave me
if there's anything you should know about me is that i truely believe with all my heart if I hurt you, you'll leave
if I annoy you, You'll leave
if I do anything to hurt the elligibility of my friendship, you'll leave
so If I ever converse with you, understand that fear, that terror controls my actions
and that should tell you exactly what my intentions are at all times
and I'm at the point where if people are like... "stop borderlining" I want to shout back "stop being douches and causing them"
if you stab a dog with a stick of course he's going to bite you
until he's trained not to
I NEVER react out of anger
except for yesterday when I was purposefully a witch to natalia's roommate because of dumb stuff
and it was actually exhillerating to be angry for the first time in a long time
but I am always in 1 of 3 modes. Terror, sad/hurt or happy
oh, I guess irritated, but usually when someone does something to wrong me, I usually think its my fault in someway
in fact
here's a better example of what I see happening
I've been in a fire. My skin is burned off.
and Chris or Kristen or Ashley touches me
I have a couple choices, I could be like... please don't touch me
or move away
or whatever
i tend to go with the knee jerk reaction of HEY! that hurts
and start crying
because its so agonizing
and then I get this
"Yeah, I touched you. So what. Deal with it"
and then I get a "You cry baby, why can't you stop crying it was only a touch"
then it was a "HOW DARE YOU BE UPSET"
in which case I have a choice that I can say: Either stop touching me or get away from me
it shouldn't be that hard for people to keep their word
unless they have priorities other than the people they make committments to
period
4 thoughts :
I was in high school when The Truman Show came out in theaters. I went and saw it with my group of friends on a friday night. We all left the theater that night thinking "What if these people I think are my friends aren't really my friends?"
The next day (Saturday), we would normally all hang out together for pretty much the entire day (after sleeping until noon, of course). However, on this day, we all decided to conduct an experiment. Instead of us reaching out to other members of the group to make arrangements of where/when to meet, we all decided to sit at home and wait for the group to contact us. If they were really our friends, they'd call. The problem was that we all had the same idea. By the end of the day, we were all still sitting at home thinking nobody liked us because nobody called, however, this was far from true.
you want more interaction with people who don't want it.
the answer is really simple. find new friends. keep doing that until you find people that it works with.
you always choose history over happiness. you'd rather drag around a lifetime of baggage because you're afraid to clean house. you're a relationship hoarder and you're sabotaging your own life.
friends aren't forever. maybe it's you. maybe it's them. it doesn't matter. it's not working. move on. cut the cord. cold turkey. no nicotine gum, no patches. just cut it all out and start fresh.
agree with above.
stop pushing yourself on the lives of people that don't want you to be a part of theirs. if you stop forcing yourself on those people, then you wont have to feel rejected by them.
you say that they're touching your burned skin, maybe its you who running up to them and jumping on them. then you bitch about it.
find people who want to be around you. people who will put up with your problems and your condition. maybe then you can stop jumping into your low points voluntarily.
No. The problem only exists when they show their desire for interaction and then remove it because they forgot... or they impulsively wanted to do activities at a time I wasn't available. I'm not pushing to get in... I don't typically have a problem when I can't hang out or be included..
I have a different group of friends.
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