The Perspective of the World.
To the world I'm complaining about things I should just accept.
Things that won't change, why bother expending energy?
To the world, it looks like I'm whining, and that its hopeless to tell me anything.
The world doesn't know that I have accepted it. They just can't see or understand the depth of pain that they will never experience.
They will never understand how deathly afraid I was last year, and how against my will I was controlled by fear. How my actions reflected how afraid I was. How against my will every distraction I tried to put in place was preoccupied with the fear of rejection, and how much energy is spent trying to prevent it and fail.
And how much pain comes from acknowledging what they want me to, that I already have.
How alone I am all the time.
And how much hatred I have for my brain, and limitations. How much I hate me. How much I hate who I am. How much I desperately wish and pray to be normal. To not be plagued by this. To not care.
I apparently agreed to this before I came to earth. How stupid was I. I can't do this. Who was I kidding.
And the world will never see my success. My instances of controlling my pain. And remaining silent at the injustice of my world. They will only see my failures. The moments when a plea for help in the form of pain escapes my 'lips'
And to them... I'm just whining.
I had someone who loved me for 2 months. For 2 months I felt what it was like to not be broken. For 2 months, I trusted, and I controlled every aspect of my borderline.
And he followed suit, and he walked away.
He just... left.
That's okay. I can't deal with me either.
I was happier when I bought my friends, and felt a semblence of acceptance that way. Seems like a better use than the 100 a week I pay for therapy that won't pay off for another year.
Things that won't change, why bother expending energy?
To the world, it looks like I'm whining, and that its hopeless to tell me anything.
The world doesn't know that I have accepted it. They just can't see or understand the depth of pain that they will never experience.
They will never understand how deathly afraid I was last year, and how against my will I was controlled by fear. How my actions reflected how afraid I was. How against my will every distraction I tried to put in place was preoccupied with the fear of rejection, and how much energy is spent trying to prevent it and fail.
And how much pain comes from acknowledging what they want me to, that I already have.
How alone I am all the time.
And how much hatred I have for my brain, and limitations. How much I hate me. How much I hate who I am. How much I desperately wish and pray to be normal. To not be plagued by this. To not care.
I apparently agreed to this before I came to earth. How stupid was I. I can't do this. Who was I kidding.
And the world will never see my success. My instances of controlling my pain. And remaining silent at the injustice of my world. They will only see my failures. The moments when a plea for help in the form of pain escapes my 'lips'
And to them... I'm just whining.
I had someone who loved me for 2 months. For 2 months I felt what it was like to not be broken. For 2 months, I trusted, and I controlled every aspect of my borderline.
And he followed suit, and he walked away.
He just... left.
That's okay. I can't deal with me either.
I was happier when I bought my friends, and felt a semblence of acceptance that way. Seems like a better use than the 100 a week I pay for therapy that won't pay off for another year.
2 thoughts :
You're dealing with some incredibly difficult things. And that's brave of you. Most people will probably never understand what it feels like. All of us hurt, and none of us really comprehends what other people are dealing with. Which is why the Atonement is so important. Because we know there's at least one person who does understand. And who can give us the power to heal. And who is determined to love us through it all, even when we have difficulty loving ourselves through it all...
"And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up."
We are never so alone as we are without the Holy Spirit. With the Holy Spirit, we can't say we are truly alone, for God is with us, even if it seems we drive through the sleet and rain alone. He provides the ray of sunshine, though at times we are focused on the pressure all around us. Also, fear is in opposition to faith and hope. If you have lost hope, you have also lost faith.
True, many of us are alone, and some are followed by the worry that even when they find someone special, what if even then, they are still alone? Best thing is to focus on hoping for a better, and working to make our lives better, even as they reside within our capabilities to do so. When we have reached our max, we pray to do more, and strive for more; for our capabilities can be stretched: that is progression.
Refer: April 2009 General Conference, Sunday Morning Session, Jeffrey R Holland "None Were With Him"
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