[Ash]
He accused me last night... of many things that I'm not sure of what I could have done.
And when pressed, wouldn't explain the accusations.
"I don't believe that anybody who could call me friend, or even respect me as a human being would have treated me like you did" I don't know. I can't.. That's all I ever wanted, was trying to do. And I fail at that. The simple basic thing. I failed. FAILED! YOU FAILED LAURA! FAILED.
I honestly have no clue where his accusations come from. He mentioned others were involved. I wonder if that's where it came from.
I have lost the ability to stand. Somewhere inside over the last couple months, I hoped he would be the person that matched the image I had of him in my head. He wasn't. All hope was squashed.
I am broken, beaten, battered.
Forgiveness is about a clean slate, and if you don't give the person a clean slate, you haven't truly forgiven them, no matter how much you say you have.
Everything I thought I knew, or had, was destroyed.
For the last couple months, I pretended like he was a friend who died. Someone I could still allow myself to talk about happy memories about him. I don't hate him, I never have.
He hates me, abhors me. And I can't fix it. And If I try, it makes it worse. Make it stop. Make the pain go away. Its unbearable. The helplessness of the situation coupled by the thoughts of the absolute. I am alone. I will be alone. My best friend can't even stand me, why should I even stand myself? No matter what I do or how much I change, I am not someone who will be worth something to anyone. I'm sure of that now. My property maybe, my ideas, my money, my efforts might be worth something someday, but me myself, the core of who I am, who I thought I was, my loves, my fears, my ideals, my desires, my goals. ME. ... Its just not possible. I cant.... I convinced my oldest and closest friend to leave. I let him in, and he was afraid. What kind of monster am I? What being, could do such a thing and continue to be able to live? What being should be allowed to still live?
This is not a plea for attention. I have turned off the comments, cause I don't WANT the attention. I'm fragile, broken, and can be likened to ash after a large fire. If any wind comes, I'll disintegrate and float away, and I'm not sure how much more I can handle before finding myself destroying anything I have left.
How do you continue on knowing that someone who thought you were worth something, not just as a lover, but as a friend, can change their mind? How do you climb out of a hole, when you know that everything you believe about yourself is a lie... that your hopes that you are special in someway are just fabricated to cover up the fact that you really are just as messed up and horrific of a person as you fear you are. You are meant to exist... and you do a lousy job at that too.
"Please respect my wishes, you know what they are"
If I didn't respect him as a human being, what made him expect that I would respect him with this?
He in of himself is a paradox... and I'm sorry to see him go.
But this broaches the question: If I did everything he says I did, with out even knowing I did... when will I screw up next, without realizing I've screwed up, and who will I lose next?
