[Testimony]
Thank you to Danny for waking me up yesterday to have me go to church. I was out late, and went to bed late. I rushed to church, and missed being able to give my testimony. 1. I was late, and blocked in to my seat, and 2. I didn't know what to bear my testimony about. Danny urged me to go to the relationship class with him, and the topic of conversation was "forgiveness" After listening to the lesson for a little bit, I turned to Danny and said "What if the reason I have been so miserable for the last couple months was because I haven't forgiven Cory Grant for whatever reason? What if I can't let go because I haven't forgiven him.." This was accompanied with a massive hallelujah chorus in my heart. My second literal answer. The feeling was similar to the answer I received when praying about Cory once upon a time. Burning in my stomach, feeling of peace.. etc. But I felt this over joyness. It was like "YOU DID IT! YOU FIGURED IT OUT! YAYYAYYAYYAYAY!" I felt as if an invisible stadium watched me score a touchdown in spiritualness.
What if I haven't forgiven cory... for whatever reason... for abandoning me, for breaking my heart, for not listening to me, for breaking a friendship, for lying, for empty promises... and this is why i've been so miserable... and let it fester...?
Here is my first step in being happy. Ronald Kenji Courtland Grant. I forgive you. I love you, I always will, as a friend... and it is my wish that you are the happiest person alive. And I hope this person you are with, this Natalia person, or whatever her name is, makes you that happiest man in existence. I hope that someday we can be close friends again, like we were months ago. That whatever wedge that was driven between us by things we both did will disappear. I forgive you for breaking my heart, I forgive you for withdrawing into yourself. I forgive you for abandoning me in my desperate time of need. I forgive you for being angry with me, for not understanding that all I ever wanted was to be your friend. I forgive you I forgive you I forgive you. And if we never see each other again... I guess I will be ok with that.. because we'll see each other in the post mortal life...
One of the reasons I couldn't let go of you, was I felt that giving up on you was a betrayal of your memory, and everything you ever did for me. You didn't act like yourself, and I figured I would wait it out. But you have your own agency, and I can't change that.
I'm sorry you hate me so much. That never was my intention.
Maybe someday you'll read this, or someone at work will point this out to you. I hope you can forgive me for not forgiving you.
Maybe now I will be able to heal.
2 thoughts :
Very impressive and insightful. It is also one of the hardest things to do. I think you always feel like you need closure and you didn't get it. I am glad that you have that and can move on. Life isn't always easy but it is always worth it.
I don't forgive him for having a ridiculous name. Ronald Kenji Courtland? Wtf?
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