[Pain]
Make it stop. The pain. It hurts so much. Losing a best friend tears you apart. It makes you think irrationally about yourself... and ideas... If you're not good enough for them, who are you good enough for. This person is supposedly supposed to have been with you through thick and thin. You're supposed to be able to fight and get back together. The one person who knows you exactly how you are. Who knew what they were getting into when they declared you their best friend.
Liar
They always leave. Everyone leaves at some point. No one understands. Nor even tries. Everyone thinks I'm nuts and tune me out. I put my whole heart into things. And it makes it that much harder to pull out
Last night I was forgotten again. I was only invited to the draper temple because I have a car ( I'm never invited otherwise). I was invited to play munchkins cause I had a rulebook ( but once that was taken care of I was never invited again )
He lied to me last night. Pretended to drive away in his car when the squad was in his apartment
If I stop talking to people and remove them before they leave me it won't hurt. It won't. It can't. I have to hope it won't. I'll go back to the way I was in high school. I was happy then. Right?
I recieved an acceptance letter for an honors thing for graduating in the top 15% at uvu. Computer science is a tough subject. 3.96. Gpa. Not entirely sure why no one ever lists me as the brainiac or technical person on those facebook tagging games. Everyone sees me as some kind of psychotic witch person who talks over people. It's some autistc syndrome that means I don't have social cues. Well that and i've been on meds since I was 5. I don't know things are wrong sometimes. And everyone attributes it to rudeness
Something is wrong with me.
Everyone leaves
I don't deserve to have friends. It's clear to me now.
5 thoughts :
"It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship.
"All day long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one or other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics.
"There are no 'ordinary' people. You have never talked to a mere mortal."
-C.S. Lewis
“You are second to none. You are daughters of God. There has come to you as your birthright something beautiful and sacred and divine. Never forget that."
-Gordon B. Hinckley
"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of — throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."
-C.S. Lewis
“If I discover within myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.”
-C.S. Lewis
Better be alone than in bad company
- Thomas Fuller
Oh, sweet sorrow, the time you borrow, will you be here when i wake up tomorrow?
- Katherine Wolf
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
- Albert Einstein
What is real is not the external form, but the essence of things . . . it is impossible for anyone to express anything essentially real by imitating its exterior surface.
- Constantin Brancusi
The moment one gives close attention to any thing, even a blade of grass it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself.
- Henry Miller
True stability results when presumed order and presumed disorder are balanced. A truly stable system expects the unexpected, is prepared to be disrupted, waits to be transformed.
- Tom Robbins
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