Closeness - and other Random thoughts.
I can't figure out why I can't let myself be loved. Nor, letting someone get close. I'm dating someone, and yet, I have a mental stick that's a mile long between me and him. I'm talking to him, which is different than my usual ness, but, I cant....... do. it. Honestly, I seriously think someone needs to force their way in, even if its painful for me. Break down my walls, and while i might seem like i run away, they need to continue after me until its all gone.
Funny thing is, I do have it with one person. I have this closeness, and the fear of telling someone something is mostly gone. Socorro. I can talk to her. She knows my secrets. All my horrible, I'm going to Hell secrets. She knows my mind. She follows my train of thought, and knows where I'm going before I even know where i'm going. And Karl has started to catch on, though, and i wonder if it comes from all the grief we went through in 06, and then everything that happened when karl left.
( I take part of it back. Bryan was VERY close before his mission, and then for a little while after he returned)
I think its fear. Or something similar to it. Maybe i can talk to her and no one else because we saw each other for hours every single freaking day for almost a year. and if we didn't see each other, we talked on the phone.
Its weird to analyze myself. * shudders *
Why is it so difficult?
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Its funny how it hurts so much when someone close to you is hurt. You want to jump in the way of the other person, shield them, and fight off what ever is hurting them, even upon death in some cases. It seems to be a natural reaction. "want to" being the key word there. actually being able to is a COMPLETELY other matter.
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Note to self: I like seriousness and dry humor. And when i mean seriousness, i mean intellectual to the point of no emotion..... i don't know why. Its completely opposite of ... well.. me.
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So. I have braces. They're expecting them to be on for a year... and its been almost 2 weeks.. Wow. A picture of me with my face is still all puffy.
Be happy. This picture is no where else. I hate it, but it shows the braces.My hair has changed colors too.
On the california trip, i played with starfish and found facebook!
I've also gotten into some cool digital manip
ulation too.. I want to learn, and be really good at it...
Anyways,
That's a kind of update. We'll see how everything works out. I wish I could blog like Josh. His is alot of fun to read.
1 thoughts :
w00t braces!
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