Suffer
I seem, to find myself magically suffering (paranoidly I might add) for every pessimistic version of every situation.
Why do I do this?
Is it self defense? Suffer it now, so that when it actually happens, it won't hurt as much? I find myself running scenarios through my head, of what to say when what is said. Facial reactions that keep me composed, not betraying the hurt I feel behind my mask. And every situation, painful enough to leak a single tear from my eye.
This is why we don't leave Laura alone.
Bad things happen in her head.
I miss the days, where carefreely I let myself shine, oblivious to the social cues I was missing. Ignorance was bliss.
I really hope I'm not writing this post to be passive aggressive. If I say its not meant to be that way, does that mean its not? Can I negate feelings just by saying that?
Probably not.
I understood the risks when I chose the certain walkways of life that I now precariously tread on across my own sanity. I am in no position to complain. To do so, would be hypocrisy. Of which I am fully against.
i feel... like I've given pieces of me out. Pieces dear and sacred to me, and the people who hold them, don't know why, or understand fully what they are and what they mean to me. And I fear they will get stomped on and smushed. mocked.
Why do I set myself up for this?
Is this common? How do you handle it?
Why do I do this?
Is it self defense? Suffer it now, so that when it actually happens, it won't hurt as much? I find myself running scenarios through my head, of what to say when what is said. Facial reactions that keep me composed, not betraying the hurt I feel behind my mask. And every situation, painful enough to leak a single tear from my eye.
This is why we don't leave Laura alone.
Bad things happen in her head.
I miss the days, where carefreely I let myself shine, oblivious to the social cues I was missing. Ignorance was bliss.
I really hope I'm not writing this post to be passive aggressive. If I say its not meant to be that way, does that mean its not? Can I negate feelings just by saying that?
Probably not.
I understood the risks when I chose the certain walkways of life that I now precariously tread on across my own sanity. I am in no position to complain. To do so, would be hypocrisy. Of which I am fully against.
i feel... like I've given pieces of me out. Pieces dear and sacred to me, and the people who hold them, don't know why, or understand fully what they are and what they mean to me. And I fear they will get stomped on and smushed. mocked.
Why do I set myself up for this?
Is this common? How do you handle it?
1 thoughts :
Every person you meet, that becomes more than a shadow, becomes a person, becomes such because you lend part of yourself to them. And whether they like it or not, a part of them goes to you too. The cool about it is that the more pieces we leave in people, we still have pieces left within us. Think of the teeth of a shark. If one falls out, another is there to fill its place. Now, some may reject our pieces, and that can be heart breaking, cause where do we put them? Some keep them as memoirs, hanging onto them. Others toss them away. Depends on the memory associated with it I suppose, whether negative or positive. And there a few that simply want to keep all the pieces. They watch others for the pieces that may fall, so they can quickly pick them up, and add to their collection. They ponder the reactions of others intently, figuring for when that moment will come. Is there a secret, a pattern to all these pieces? Maybe if I focus hard enough it will all become clear to me. Maybe I'll stop missing those cues that let the pieces fall. Unfortunately, what if while looking for those pieces you miss a friendly smile, or miss the rays of the sun on dancing friends, or compassion of lovers as they gaze at one another? Memories as memories to be remembered. But do you need to keep all the pieces, and spend your time looking for them? If they are thrown back at you, fine. If they are given to you, combined with the the memories of another, even better. Others? Enjoy the smiles and fun, and while the unexpected or painful may come, and it may not surprise as much as it has in the past, at least you know you wouldn't have missed the sunrise.
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