[Identification]

[Identification]

   9:49 PM       Laura

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Note: I cannot for the love of me find the piece in my CSS that's preventing my Hyperlinks from actually looking like hyper links.   Anything in [] are hyperlinks. Also inb4 the "she used swears", yeah.  I did.

"Borderlines grow up to be a mess of a yarnball that's so improperly put together they start trying to kill themselves at age 12. You..... you aren't that." 

It was a comment that struck me a bit. I knew that I was missing a decent chunk of the BPD problems. I could match up to enough of the criteria, but it only made me non functional SOMEtimes. And then while I had my ups and downs in my relationships, the yarnball that was the cutting / sucidal / explosive from 0-60 was missing.  Like alot.  I attributed it to just being smart and catching on quick as I did my own internal research.

The [lady who diagnosed me took one visit to do so.]  one.  At the time I didn't question it because I was feeding my own internal sense of needing a label for why the crap everything was happening. Why my paranoia existed.   But my psychiatrist boyfriend last summer was pulling his hair out at the idea that some psychiatrist could have gotten into my head so fast to diagnose me with Borderline Personality Disorder. And I resisted at first, I NEEDED this label this way to explain what was wrong with me, how I was different, lesser, than others. for 5 years now I had used it as a lifeboat, something to explain I wasn't mad.  And I fought through some measured level of identity crisis for a bit, digesting the idea that a huge portion of my life, was false.  That my motivation surrounding a great deal of my activism and emotional intelligence was a lie.

And I guess part of the reason that I took so long to write this post is because of those who are depending on me. I've been sitting on this for months, and its prevented me from writing anything else.   I am / was the Borderline who got through college and had a high success story.  In the course of my stigma and research and journey I collected quite a few people who would message me for hope in their current situation.  I was the bridge between where they were and the end of the tunnel they couldn't see.

I no longer identify as Borderline.  I probably never should have been diagnosed as Borderline. Anything that I used to consider "borderline" hasn't plagued me in over a year, and anyone who follows my feed will have noticed that I quit posting articles about "understanding borderline" about that far back. And its been a journey.  One where I had to critically assess whether or not my need for labels as a form of validation was preventing me from seeing the truth all this time.

I dont, and never had, Borderline Personality Disorder.

A more likely scenario, as I look back over everything that happened is that I have a decent anxiety disorder and had an obsession with reciprocal emotional connectivity.  Which completely makes sense considering the "incident" that turned my world upside down in 2009.

We could even escalate the decent anxiety disorder into "helicopter parenting and being medicated since I was *5* FOR EVERYTHING prevented coping skills from forming for certain strong emotions like: Anger, Fear, Rejection."  It was fear of these panic attacks or "episodes" that led to other concurrent behaviors like fear of losing my friends when I would be erratic.  It wasn't even until last November I realized that the "borderline episodes" I thought I was experiencing were in fact, regular panic attacks, and once I put those pieces together and refined my lifestyle they're almost completely gone. So add in a mix of "unrecognized panic attacks leading to erratic behavior" and the idea that "Laura grew up during her early 20's instead of during high school because she was so busy doing an associates degree at the same time, didn't learn cognitive behavioral processes through friendships and was medicated the the point of numbness that her developmental processes were delayed in terms of appropriate social interaction" and you get... Me!

Having been misdiagnosed, (or not even diagnosed) is moderately troubling for me.  The lady who diagnosed me doesn't even work at the place I got diagnosed from anymore and I found out she wasn't there very long.   The problem with Borderline, is its not a chemical malfunction, its a distorted sense of self.  Its YOU who are broken and the cure for it is to dismantle yourself and rebuild yourself correctly which is fairly hard to do when everything is a crisis in your life.  I am angry for all the tears I shed since 2012.  I am angry for all the self hate and shame I put myself through. I didn't dismantle myself gently, I hacked at my sense of self with a machete and tore everything I knew about myself away.  I lived for 5 years, afraid of this monster I thought lived within me that was capable of destroying others.   This was a daily thought process, the shadow that followed me around all the time.   I developed a paranoia, [a fear of myself. ].

AND I DIDN'T NEED TO.  SO MUCH FUCKING EFFORT PUT INTO MY SELF DESTRUCTION, SELF BLAME, THE TEARS I CRIED WHEN I SLIPPED UP SLIGHTLY DOING THINGS I'M LEARNING THAT EVERY SINGLE OTHER PERSON ON THIS PLANET DOES.  I'M NORMAL.  I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO EXPLAIN THE DEPTH OF SELF LOATHING I HAVE TOWARDS THE PART OF ME WHO ALLOWED MYSELF TO BE CONVINCED I WAS SO BROKEN THAT I NEEDED TO BETRAY MY IDENTITY AND SELF LOVE IN ORDER TO *FEEL* LOVED.

I let myself believe, that I could never be loved.  

But.

Something did come out of this. Something WAS wrong, something WAS broken. Too many times I completely fell apart.  I don't know what.  100% of the people who have been around me through out this entire process will completely admit that there is a fundamental processing change in me.  That the growth over the last 8 years has been exponential.  That my emotional intelligence and self completeness is off the charts. And it was all oriented around this obsession with *fixing* myself.

Pieces of the research I did in my panicky fury to care for myself and make people love me again were important to my core.  I "outgrew" the borderline diagnosis probably about 2 years ago, which made the diagnosis become a crutch.  Something my brilliant ex boyfriend intuited about me while dating me 8 months ago.  AND OH THE DIFFERENCE IT HAS MADE.    To unshackle myself from this cage I put myself in, and to utilize all the self discipline and self training I did while I was in that cage, I'm a freaking bird.   I have never flown so strongly, or been so stable.

I've learned to not react to everything.  That not (most) everything isn't about me but is someone else's reality.  I learned to be intentional with my decisions instead of being dragged behind my reactivity.
To pause and reflect
To channel the emotions, (like the force) instead of controlling them.
I've gained self awareness that is off the charts.
I intuitively understand others in ways most of the population can't.
I've learned to be accurate about my own internal landscape.
I'd like to think I'm more emotionally intelligent than many many people.
I'm stable.
I refuse to play games with people.  If there's a game to be played, I refuse.  Be it dating or friendships.
I love my emotions.  They are there for a reason and I wouldn't trade them for anything.

Probably the most important lesson I learned was [here. ] The ability to "insert" myself in between every one of my connecting thoughts to validate its necessity led to most of the [further discoveries] and understandings within my mind.  Going back and understanding that most of my previous behaviors were pushed and motivated by panic attacks, and my inability to resolve or recognize what was happening makes me feel better about my behavior, but angry I didn't figure this all out sooner.

I don't know.  I guess I hope I made a difference in lives.   I may not have conquered BPD, but I did in a way conquer a very strong anxiety disorder, and reorganized my brain into something beautiful.  And I like this Laura much better than the old Laura, even though I sit with my own betrayal of how I let myself be so destructive to myself. And I guess I'm still sorting out what everything has been for the past 8 years.  What I've done to myself, What was helpful what was destructive.

I'm on no meds, (except very needed adderall) I have adjusted my lifestyle and have been pretty unhindered by any sign of mental illness with the exception of general anxiety from time to time.  If I had borderline before, I would seen as cured for the last several months of my life, even longer had I not been using the label I clung to so dearly as a source of 'strength' But what do I do with myself when I don't have this over arching end goal of "beating the borderline?"

(Apparently I turn my apartment into a spaceship)

Dear Borderlines:

I cannot say I know what's going on with you. Because I don't.  But I do know, that the process works, and the nature of success is in your hands. YOU CAN DO IT.  And I will be your first line of support all the way.  Every single one of you who have ever messaged me for help, for someone to sit with you, in your desperation to find someone who would accept you, I will still give you hope, and I will still shine the light on your path when you cannot see it yourself.  Love yourself.  You can fly just like I can.

Love,
Me.

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[Dark Room]

[Dark Room]

   5:33 PM       Laura

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Its dark in here.   Its always been dark in here. Its scary too.  Distressing.  I *need* to get out.  There's compulsions. I don't belong in this room.  Something is very wrong when I'm in the room.    I guess there used to be more light.  When I first realized I was stuck in a dark room, there were so many doors I could go through. Light shining through them into the room. That if I stepped through any of those doors, I could be free, until I stumbled into another dark room.  With voices and monster and anger and pain.

And I learned.  I learned how easy it was to get out of those rooms when I find myself in them.  I flitted from room to room.   I trained myself.  I knew where each of those doors were and could navigate the environment through muscle memory to reach each of the doors I knew were capable of helping me escape the fastest.  I was efficient. I was quick, and I took care of myself.

Until I learned that every door I went through hurt someone else.  It was something I slowly became aware of.  The door labeled "Passive aggression" was societal unacceptable. Going through that door was actually responsible for many of the other dark rooms I found myself in.   But I NEEDED to get out of this room I was in. I don't think I can explain the craving and compulsion driving me to escape.  Its like needing water.  Or air.   Its like running out of air and you KNOW if you can get out of the room you can have air again.  But finding out that you'll drown someone else in the process by climbing on top of them.  

Its like holding your hand to a burning stove, and knowing the only relief you'll get is if you replace your hand with someone elses hand. How do you battle "i don't want to hurt anyone" with "oh god please save me"

It took some time.  I've closed the passive aggressive door.  I turn off my router.  I lock myself in my house and turn my phone off.  I have to ask myself if going silent means I'm going through another door, "Manipulation"   So I curl up in my dark room and cry, because I don't know if any of these doors will help me.  Some people have a door called "Exercise" so I built it and it leads me to the same place I was already in.


Sometimes, if I sit long enough in the room, another door appears.  Its dim and in the distance and there's objects between me and it that i can't see.  And I trip over them, and if i'm calm enough, I can reach it.  But the problem is that the compulsion to get out is stronger than the idea of processing it.

I've learned new things.   Coloring my hair makes the dark room tolerable.  Running cold water on my feet, holding ice cubes.

Notes on my wrist.  Reminders that if I can sit long enough in the darkness that door will appear.  Or that I might not be in the dark room at all, it just looks like it.  And I can get out.

I've closed doors.  Spending money for instance.

Every door I close, the darker the room gets, and suddenly its not a test of which door do I pick, its "how long can I last in this dark room" how long do I fear the monsters of my most terrible fears.  Sometimes I'm calm in these rooms.   My body reacts in hyperventilating and anxiety ways. wails of the dead escaping from my mouth and I know what's happening and I've been there before, but I haven't moved towards those doors.   And that's a victory.  I'm building endurance.  

But there are more doors:
Harm.
Verbal Abuse
Masturbation
Sexual promiscuity

And doors that I've never tried: Alcohol.

The more I close the doors, the more confined I am, the less doors I have to feel safe from and the more explosive I'll rip through those doors.  Especially as I try and work for that dim dark door in the distance.   I lose the energy and I make a break for that door that I think will hurt the least.  

And then there is despair.  Mostly because I've worked for years trying to last in the darkness.

I'd like to think that each time I work towards that dim door, that it gets brighter.   But it looks the same every time. The I trip over different objects each time, and it doesn't seem to get easier to reach it.

I just want people to understand that when I step through these doors, I lost a battle with the darkness.  I lost a battle with myself.  I lost a battle with monsters and not only do I have to live with that knowledge, I have to live with whatever the consequences of using that damn door.    

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[Bandaid]

[Bandaid]

   2:35 PM       Laura

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Here, have a post about self pity

I am a mixture of bandaids and safety nets.   Having not had much in the way of therapy for my BPD, most of what I have piece together of what works for me are just bandaids.

Writing on my arm so I can remember things when I'm irrational.
Stopping conversations and forcing an acknowledgement out of my friend/partner of the pain i'm sitting through so we can continue.
Communicating my shifts in emotion.
Sitting in cold water.

I did this, because I am drowning.

And now I'm being forced to address these bandaids.

Because, and everyone who knows me will acknowledge, that I turn into a broken record when lost in the depths of my irrationality.  I cannot stop arguing.  Things continue for 3 and a half hours longer than they need to.   And. I. Repeat. The. Same. Stuff.  Where once the bandaids saved me from this maze in my head, they are not long term solutions, and I'm engaging in personalities where I can't just yell down my friend/partner and force them to give me those bandaids anymore.  They stand their ground.  Something, with no training on my part, pushes me farther into the maze.

I know I spend a fantastic amount of time bringing up my BPD on social media and clear the stigma surrounding it.  I'm sure most of you when encountering a BPD individual or the possibility of a diagnosis have moderately more fond feelings of the personality disorder than prior to my engaging in my awareness campaign.

There is still a dark side to it.  Its VERY easy for us to be overwhelmed by panic during conflict to the point where it feels like we are dying and we don't have a way to expel it so we put the knife in to another person, another soul, and twist it til they give us what we want.  This is the conundrum of the BPD.  We destroy ourselves and our relationship as a reaction to the perception we're being destroyed.

Its not just a "oh, i'm really uncomfortable cause I'm distressed" emotion. Its "if I dont get this I'm going to die"

I've stabilized since coming to Seattle.  I have many more emotionally consistent friends, and now I have energy to address these things.  But in doing so, I'm having to reconsider the aspects of "you were doing fantastically, look how far you've gone in 5 years." to "HOLY HELL LAURA, YOU HAVE A REALLY REALLY REALLY LONG WAY TO GO, JUST GIVE UP NOW BEFORE YOU HURT ANYONE. " 

I feel like I did when I was first diagnosed, and now I feel like giving up.

Stepping aside to my current relationship, this is the healthiest thing I've seen, ever.  And its terrifying to me because I ... am not.  I am a bandaid. What do i look like to him? How many chances am I going to get.  All of my conflict coping mechanisms are out of date.

So I started my research again.  And crawled back into my bed and cried.  There's no good help out there.  About "what to do when lost in your own head"  "how to not kill someone while flailing while drowning."  "How to breathe underwater"

Most everything is why you shouldn't date or be friends with a borderline.

I'll be honest. I don't have a clue what to do.

I guess I'm just proud of myself that the super red line of no return still is never reached.   That I hit a ceiling and start retreating inward repeating the same things over and over instead of becoming aggressively mean, with name calling, insults, character attacks and physical violence.

Thank goodness I'm at least half a human instead of just a quarter human.

I have 6 different paths I could take and every one of them is the wrong one because I'm not healthy enough to notice the 7th.

"Laura, you are amazing, because even in your worst moments, you haven't succumbed to that red line and you put so much of your focus into not harming others even when you can barely function."

Its like I'm this sorcerer, and I have this demon attempting to invade this reality and he's trying to take control of my body, but I'm at the CD store with friends, and not really responding to their questions appropriately and they're upset at me because I'm busy arguing with this alien dude in my head and these people never understand how much self awareness and self control and focus I have to keeping them safe, even when I and every voice in my head is telling me just to stop fighting it.

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[Mine]

[Mine]

   12:43 PM       Laura

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I remember getting diagnosed in 2012 with my Borderline Personality Disorder.  I remember the despair at having a disorder that was so closely intertwined with who I was. It wasn't a chemical malfunction, it seemed like it was a defect of my *self.*  For years, I described me as being a borderline instead of having borderline, and I continually self depreciated my identity and my actions and who I am.

And so I wept in sorrow for 4 years.

I monitored body language of others, assuming and understanding emotional states to confirm the rejection I expected was coming. 

I stressed and was anxious all the time. 

I was extra empathetic to the point of exhaustion.
I couldn't communicate because I couldn't understand myself or others. 

I got through school using accessibility letters and assistance from others and felt like I was riding on the coattails of others.

This last April, I competed in a Cyberdefense competition.  Basically we're given a corporate network that we haven't seen, with services like customer accessible websites, RDP to domain boxes, and other services and doing reports for our CEO with time limits, while trying to keep a red team out. All the while we had recruiters and sponsers in the room watching us and acting as "refs."

And I was the team captain. Team of 8.  4 guys 4 girls.

I monitored body language of others, looking for signs that they were distressed and reorganized people effectively. 

I managed my stress and anxiety because of all the practice that I had.  

I was extra empathetic and had people get up and dance and shake and run around in circles, or played awesome music and had people sing.
I communicated because I had learned understood myself, and understood others in ways others didn't know.

I won't lie. I took my magic pills and laid under desks and issued orders and commands and communication.

But I got head hunted by the NSA and Facebook and Raytheon for my leadership.

And I got a chiefs coin from the Navy Sponsors for being the most impressive person they saw at the competition as they cycled throughout the rooms looking at all the other people competing.

A chiefs coin is basically the non commissioned military people's way of commending the commissioned peoples leadership and makes them "part of the family."  The only really cool thing about it is that I could put the coin down and get everyone to buy me drinks. 

Regardless though.  This was a sign of my BPD doing a thing.  I utilized it as a talent and I did the thing.   And I did it all by myself.  I didn't use a letter, I didn't use anyone elses ability to do this, I did it all by myself, and it is my strength.   I did the thing.  I did it, and any time I feel less than a person, whenever I feel like I should be able to do the thing but can't, I have a physical object that proves that I can do the thing, and I did do it, and I was recognized continuously by many people.  And it proves that my BPD is as much a blessing and gave me talents I didn't know I could develop in ways as it is a curse.  And its starting to look more like a blessing and a talent then a curse now days. 

When it went down, it was so hard to breathe

I gave up everything, and I slow fall down to the floor

life was escaping me, I couldn't find myself

'til it was all lost, not anymore

I'm holding on to all the pieces of my hearts debris, 'til it's time

I'll... I'll pull it together and fix myself eventually, I know it's mine

I found gold in the wreckage, put it on a necklace

keeping it 'cause I-hi-I know that it's mine

I wear it like a message, so I don't forget it

keeping it 'cause I-hi-I know that it's mine

I know that it's mine, no matter what I do,

I know that it's mine, whether I win or lose

and even though my heart needs to take its time,

I know that it's mine, I know that it's mine

Facing the change, but it's still tough to see

at first I fought it all, I was so mean

I'm still unsure, how it's supposed to be

I'm taking every day now by the skin of my teeth, until I learn

I'm holding on to all the pieces of my hearts debris, 'til it's time

I'll... I'll pull it together and fix myself eventually, I know it's mine

I found gold in the wreckage, put it on a necklace

keeping it 'cause I, I know that it's mine

I wear it like a message, so I don't forget it

keeping it 'cause I, I know that it's mine

I know that it's mine, no matter what I do,

I know that it's mine, whether I win or lose

and even though my heart needs to take its time,

I know that it's mine, I know that it's mine

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Starting out right

Starting out right

   4:10 PM       Laura

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I started at Microsoft earlier this week and I being super freaked about my BPD getting in the way, (Dale at BYU was super helpful in that area) decided to tackle this head on.  I pulled a meeting with my manager, my intern mentor, and my peer mentor (Whitney from the research lab, yay!) and gave them this letter, which resulted in them taking it seriously and even tracking down Priesthood holders in my building and Whitney's building just in case. 

I thought I would blog about it, because others can use a similar template in an effort to talk to their managers.  This went so well, and my mentor even praised me for "starting out right" concerning this.   My about me email is going to the whole C&E Security group and it mentions lightly that I have BPD and hopefully I can continue my activism of being a safe place and voice for others. 

Borderline Personality Disorder

What it is:

·        Also commonly known as Emotional Unstable Disorder or Emotional Dysfunctional Disorder

·        Is not related to Bipolar but a lot of people have comorbid symptoms or are incorrectly diagnosed with bipolar

·        Brain overproduces emotions with no filters and no way to calm them.

·        Fears that negative interactions with others are caused by their desire to reject or abandon the BPD

·        Several interactions can create a flight or fight response for no reason, and the BPD has high levels of cortisol and adrenaline.

·        Is a wiring problem, not a chemical so meds can only moderately help with symptoms not clear it like the case with Bipolar.

·        Can result in a great deal of anxiety or a generalized anxiety disorder which keeps the BPD flooded with adrenaline much of the time.

·        Emotions struggle to be self-soothed.  Can be stuck with an emotion for hours at high strength or can switch at a moments notice with 6 or 7 emotions in a couple minutes.

·        Without good coping mechanisms, can result in reckless behavior, and self harm.

Sample Scenarios

·        Friend is late coming to my house – Normal people would feel annoyance. I feel the extreme annoyance which is anger.   Thought processes - “They must hate me, this is why they would do this.” (extreme fear) “They said they were my friend, they lied.” (Extreme Betrayal)

I AM ABSOLUTELY RESPONSBILE FOR ALL MY ACTIONS, REACTIONS, AND INTERACTIONS.  THE FOLLOWING ARE EXAMPLES OF THINGS THAT COULD HAPPEN IN THE WORK PLACE AND THINGS THAT *CAN* BE DONE TO MITIGATE, IF YOU SO FEEL LIKE DOING IT.  DO NOT WALK ON EGGSHELLS AROUND ME, OR FEAR WHAT YOUR INTERACTIONS WILL DO TO ME INTERNALLY.  I AM COGNISCENT AND AWARE (uncommon in BPD) AND HAVE SEVERAL COPING MECHANISMS ALREADY IN PLACE.

Signs BPD IS AFFECTING ME

·        Really quiet and nervous

·        Struggling to get into the office or getting into the office really late

·        Productivity levels are down

·        Over reaching on goals

·        BSing

·        Stuck worrying about something over and over. (Using external chats continuously like gchat or facebook messenger)

Possible workplace scenarios and Mitigation techniques                                                          

·        Anxiety attacks are possible. Either because of upcoming meetings, or something external.  Fight with a friend for example. The anxiety attack will look like hyperventilation, a need to walk – run, or sitting under my desk to extreme anxiety but not an anxiety attack. 

o   Mitigation: I have magic pills.  They are to be taken during an anxiety attack.  I also usually have something written on my wrist for coherency while I’m irrational.

If I’m suck on an external issue, a reminder that a couple hours won’t affect anything might fix it. (This might be for alex only, because I’ll probably vent as a way to try and expel the emotion and that’ll be the cue that something is happening.)

I might sit under my desk and cry.  Continual “hey are you okay” will produce emotions of “omg what are they thinking about me, they’re going to think I can’t do things right rejection rejection rejection.”  Just let me cry it out.  Remember that I struggle to expel emotions and this is one way to do it. 

Somehow, and I don’t know how, if 2 male Mormons can be found, I can have a religious blessing done as a comfort in extreme scenarios. (I don’t know if there’s a way to send out a message via a list looking for 2 Mormon Priesthood holders so I can have a list of people to contact (they should have no issues)

·        http://themighty.com/2016/04/borderline-personality-disorder-breakdowns-and-hope/ - This is a common scenario, but I’m a lot farther in my recovery than this person is.  The results are the same, its easy for me to misinterpret criticism.  Be blunt. 

o   Possible mitigation:  Establish the lack of rejection after the criticism.  (if you do it before, I’ll know criticism is coming and anxiety will spike.) This really only needs to be done if you see my face darken or I struggle to speak.  Most of the time I welcome criticism. 

·        Teammates dismiss or seem annoyed, (not even at me)  -- Its very easy for me to misinterpret everything.  I might take the annoyance as my fault and buy things for people (like drinks or lunch or something because people can’t hate me when you buy things. Negative coping mechanism)  Especially with my ADHD sometimes I just interrupt a lot or ask questions out of the blue and interrupt thought processes (poor alex)

o   Possible Mitigation – Give me a timeline.  If I have disrupted, by all means tell me to GTFO.  But sometimes saying: come back in 10 can alleviate the distress because its understood that what I have to say is something you can hear, and that will disrupt the negative emotions.

·        If possible, when you set a meeting with me, if you can let me know what the topic is about so I can either not worry, or emotionally prep myself, that would be great.  If bad news needs to be given, a meeting either that day or the next day is helpful so I’m not freaking out all week. 

There is a chiefs coin at my desk.  It has texas on it.  I got this from utilizing my BPD during CCDC and the Navy sponsers recognized me as the most impressive person at the competition. (100 people).  I utilized my talents to indirectly interpret peoples emotional states and resolve them, along with stress techniques and other awesome things.  I also did it without any accessibility letters or riding on someone elses coat tails and serves as a reminder that I can do the thing, and that my BPD can be awesome. 

If at any time the scenario is resolved the emotion is released.  A validation, timeline, external event resolves itself etc, a new emotion will replace the old one.

I have yet to have a BPD related episode here.  My emotions have not spiked at all, the oxygen has helped me have energy and this is a good environment. 

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[Dear God]

[Dear God]

   8:56 PM       Laura

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Dear God,

Its me.  Your borderline Daughter.   Once upon a time You told me that Cory wouldn't be the one I would choose to marry.  You've also alluded to the fact that someone is being prepared for me.

I have a question for You.

Did You really have this epic plan in mind for the last 8 years, (or longer) that my graduation from 2007 would be delayed 10 years by a mental disorder just so that I could meet this guy?  Did You have a hand in this variation of school being 10 times better than the last one?  How about the failure at Bishop Fox just so I could be ready for Microsoft?

Did You have a hand in all this, just so I could meet this person, when he was finally ready to be met, the summer after he figured out which direction he wanted to go ?

Am I as much an answer to his prayers as he could be for mine?  Can I be an answer to his prayers? Can I soothe his struggles and understand him like no one else ever has?

Did You orchestrate this all, telling me to be patient for as long as I could?

Cause.... if this is what I've been patient for, its been totally worth it. He's been worth it.    I know I've been kinda mean in that I was tired of the stepping stones I needed, and how I've said I've hated You for the past many years of tears and pain, as people seem put into my path and then taken away.  But then I learned that they never would have been good for me.  Ever.

If this is what you've led me to, if this is the final stretch of my search, if this is the finish line of that chapter, can I cry tears of happiness?  Because thank you for making me wait at least this long.  And If I have to wait longer, if I'm wrong about what I observe, I still won't doubt you again.

Because if this is him... it was worth the wait.

Love, Me.  

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[Progress]

[Progress]

   3:27 PM       Laura

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Over the last 4 years since I was diagnosed, I've made tremendous amounts of progress with my self awareness. I'm not apathetic to my explosions. I notice when I get distressed and issue warnings, and continue to grow in every sense of the word. (except height, the consistent ADHD meds screwed that up for me.)

I was told the other day, by a new friend: "I was thinking about you the other day, and realized that I'm going to have to prepare to be yelled at by Laura"

What a dismal and heartbreaking comment. There's good to the statement: He's in it for the long haul. I don't think I'm subordinate to my disability permanently. Sometimes I am. When my awareness is heeded when I alert of distress, anxiety or fear, its alot harder to reach a point where I start doing anything and everything to get rid of what's burning me internally.

I can't express how proud of myself I am, as I have grown exponentially and still continue to do so every day.   Many of my demons have been conquered.  

As of April, I will have "graduated" and will be taking off to Washington to work for Microsoft, maybe permanently.   And this time I feel like I can do it. 

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