Starting out right

I started at Microsoft earlier this week and I being super freaked about my BPD getting in the way, (Dale at BYU was super helpful in that area) decided to tackle this head on.  I pulled a meeting with my manager, my intern mentor, and my peer mentor (Whitney from the research lab, yay!) and gave them this letter, which resulted in them taking it seriously and even tracking down Priesthood holders in my building and Whitney's building just in case. 

I thought I would blog about it, because others can use a similar template in an effort to talk to their managers.  This went so well, and my mentor even praised me for "starting out right" concerning this.   My about me email is going to the whole C&E Security group and it mentions lightly that I have BPD and hopefully I can continue my activism of being a safe place and voice for others. 

Borderline Personality Disorder

What it is:

·        Also commonly known as Emotional Unstable Disorder or Emotional Dysfunctional Disorder

·        Is not related to Bipolar but a lot of people have comorbid symptoms or are incorrectly diagnosed with bipolar

·        Brain overproduces emotions with no filters and no way to calm them.

·        Fears that negative interactions with others are caused by their desire to reject or abandon the BPD

·        Several interactions can create a flight or fight response for no reason, and the BPD has high levels of cortisol and adrenaline.

·        Is a wiring problem, not a chemical so meds can only moderately help with symptoms not clear it like the case with Bipolar.

·        Can result in a great deal of anxiety or a generalized anxiety disorder which keeps the BPD flooded with adrenaline much of the time.

·        Emotions struggle to be self-soothed.  Can be stuck with an emotion for hours at high strength or can switch at a moments notice with 6 or 7 emotions in a couple minutes.

·        Without good coping mechanisms, can result in reckless behavior, and self harm.

Sample Scenarios

·        Friend is late coming to my house – Normal people would feel annoyance. I feel the extreme annoyance which is anger.   Thought processes - “They must hate me, this is why they would do this.” (extreme fear) “They said they were my friend, they lied.” (Extreme Betrayal)

I AM ABSOLUTELY RESPONSBILE FOR ALL MY ACTIONS, REACTIONS, AND INTERACTIONS.  THE FOLLOWING ARE EXAMPLES OF THINGS THAT COULD HAPPEN IN THE WORK PLACE AND THINGS THAT *CAN* BE DONE TO MITIGATE, IF YOU SO FEEL LIKE DOING IT.  DO NOT WALK ON EGGSHELLS AROUND ME, OR FEAR WHAT YOUR INTERACTIONS WILL DO TO ME INTERNALLY.  I AM COGNISCENT AND AWARE (uncommon in BPD) AND HAVE SEVERAL COPING MECHANISMS ALREADY IN PLACE.

Signs BPD IS AFFECTING ME

·        Really quiet and nervous

·        Struggling to get into the office or getting into the office really late

·        Productivity levels are down

·        Over reaching on goals

·        BSing

·        Stuck worrying about something over and over. (Using external chats continuously like gchat or facebook messenger)

Possible workplace scenarios and Mitigation techniques                                                          

·        Anxiety attacks are possible. Either because of upcoming meetings, or something external.  Fight with a friend for example. The anxiety attack will look like hyperventilation, a need to walk – run, or sitting under my desk to extreme anxiety but not an anxiety attack. 

o   Mitigation: I have magic pills.  They are to be taken during an anxiety attack.  I also usually have something written on my wrist for coherency while I’m irrational.

If I’m suck on an external issue, a reminder that a couple hours won’t affect anything might fix it. (This might be for alex only, because I’ll probably vent as a way to try and expel the emotion and that’ll be the cue that something is happening.)

I might sit under my desk and cry.  Continual “hey are you okay” will produce emotions of “omg what are they thinking about me, they’re going to think I can’t do things right rejection rejection rejection.”  Just let me cry it out.  Remember that I struggle to expel emotions and this is one way to do it. 

Somehow, and I don’t know how, if 2 male Mormons can be found, I can have a religious blessing done as a comfort in extreme scenarios. (I don’t know if there’s a way to send out a message via a list looking for 2 Mormon Priesthood holders so I can have a list of people to contact (they should have no issues)

·        http://themighty.com/2016/04/borderline-personality-disorder-breakdowns-and-hope/ - This is a common scenario, but I’m a lot farther in my recovery than this person is.  The results are the same, its easy for me to misinterpret criticism.  Be blunt. 

o   Possible mitigation:  Establish the lack of rejection after the criticism.  (if you do it before, I’ll know criticism is coming and anxiety will spike.) This really only needs to be done if you see my face darken or I struggle to speak.  Most of the time I welcome criticism. 

·        Teammates dismiss or seem annoyed, (not even at me)  -- Its very easy for me to misinterpret everything.  I might take the annoyance as my fault and buy things for people (like drinks or lunch or something because people can’t hate me when you buy things. Negative coping mechanism)  Especially with my ADHD sometimes I just interrupt a lot or ask questions out of the blue and interrupt thought processes (poor alex)

o   Possible Mitigation – Give me a timeline.  If I have disrupted, by all means tell me to GTFO.  But sometimes saying: come back in 10 can alleviate the distress because its understood that what I have to say is something you can hear, and that will disrupt the negative emotions.

·        If possible, when you set a meeting with me, if you can let me know what the topic is about so I can either not worry, or emotionally prep myself, that would be great.  If bad news needs to be given, a meeting either that day or the next day is helpful so I’m not freaking out all week. 

There is a chiefs coin at my desk.  It has texas on it.  I got this from utilizing my BPD during CCDC and the Navy sponsers recognized me as the most impressive person at the competition. (100 people).  I utilized my talents to indirectly interpret peoples emotional states and resolve them, along with stress techniques and other awesome things.  I also did it without any accessibility letters or riding on someone elses coat tails and serves as a reminder that I can do the thing, and that my BPD can be awesome. 

If at any time the scenario is resolved the emotion is released.  A validation, timeline, external event resolves itself etc, a new emotion will replace the old one.

I have yet to have a BPD related episode here.  My emotions have not spiked at all, the oxygen has helped me have energy and this is a good environment.