[The Way We Win Matters]

(Post edit: I apologize for the vague blogging here. this is done out of respect and love for someone else)

Ender's Game is such a fantastic movie. 

I'm BPD. People with my disorder have a natural inclination to try and win however they can.  And its not intentionally malicious.

Pretend your hand is stuck to a burning stove. and you are blinded by how much pain you are in you aren't thinking straight. And you know, YOU KNOW, that grabbing someone else's hand and putting on the stove will lessen the pain you are feeling.  Its the only thought that can consume you.

The Flight or Fight response

  Most of the time I end up in so much emotional pain, that I have to do whatever I can to make it stop.   In the past this has led to passive aggressive behavior and manipulation.  Many of my friends will remember the acts I was absolutely oblivious to.  I could see the results of what I did but couldn't process that it was me doing it.  

People have asked me over and over how I am the way I am. 

2 years ago, when this was asked, it was negative.  

Now when I'm asked, its in awe.

And I'm not doing this to toot my horn.  I wrote a year ago this post. I desperately wished to know if the setbacks and the extra work I had to do were worth it.  And lots of people have recognized and watched my reactions.

"no one would blame you if you did X"
"if I were in your position I would Y"
"How on earth are you capable of doing this???"

Even when one of the biggest lies of my life happened last week, a lie that shook, rattled and shattered a huge part of me, I killed the BPD reaction and hugged the person who hurt me, because compassion, not logic, not anger, not pain, not fear, rang through the endless pit of emotions.



This picture is a life lesson for me.  At the point that the lie happened, the person who hurt me (unmaliciously), in ways I couldn't explain had already hurt himself, and continued to hurt himself the entire time the secret was kept.

Getting mad at him would only serve to make myself feel better.  Not make the situation better.

Over the past month I've fought tooth and nail for someone I love dearly. For a relationship I'm technically already in. I cannot explain how much pain and anguish I have put myself through. The panic and the fear for something I felt, and still feel is worth every minute of it.  And it has stressed all of my coping mechanisms. Every wall I put in place, all safety nets was theoretical at the time I designed my alarm system.  I didn't know if they would work. And they were challenged beyond what I thought they could handle.    My soul and my heart have broken down. Even the toughest walls, if they're battered on enough will crumble. 

But my walls still stand. 

I haven't spend money on 'feel better items'

I haven't tasted Alcohol

I haven't lost my job

I haven't caved and slept for a month

I haven't engaged in promiscuous sex

I haven't cut myself

I went to church. 

But that's not the point I was trying to make here.  Though I'm sure my parents will be proud of me.

I could have won my battles a long time ago through fear. Through the pain of others. 

I probably would have gotten what I wanted. Ultimatums would have won out a long time ago. 

But I can't explain how much the idea that the "way we win matters" has hit home for me.

If the way we win didn't matter, I start relationships, jobs, friendships, hobbies on the understanding that I I'm not worth the person that started these.

A relationship built on this isn't solid.

Even if I don't get what I want, I didn't lose my soul to trying to get it.   

Society dictates that a game be played, and I refuse to play that game, even EVEN if it satiates the monster and the voices in my head. They'll just have to go hungry for now.  I'm in charge. 

But I have proof now. That what happened before, will never happen again.  That I AM in control.  That the blessings I've received detailing the strength that was going to grow inside me WERE REAL.  My identity exists.  If it weren't for the fact I still suffer intense pain, and the rarely seen leaks of extreme emotion, it would almost be like I wasn't Borderline anymore.