The best advice that I could give a past me, or others struggling with what I struggle with is this:
Give yourself time to be yourself.
See, my personality is a floating cacophany of bits and pieces of everyone else. It was normal for me to form an opinion, then when someone was like: "How can you think that" I'd be like: "Oh sorry, I'll change that opinion" just so I didn't have to fear a loss of friendship because I shared something they didn't like.
It was one of the hardest things I had to learn. I wrapped myself up in a cocoon for 6 months when I didn't have a job. I disappeared from twitter for the most part, and was rarely seen outside my room. I escaped into video games and slept, and hung out with my imaginary world. I watched crap ton of movies and read lots of news articles. And I dropped out of church. I played with my cat. And I used every form of escape that existed.
And after a while I became an empty shell. It was an empty and lonely month when I was like this.
Because who are you, when there's no one around to tell you who to be? Yourself. That's how you find yourself.
And slowly, who I was without fearing for the judgement of others started to emerge. I found that I like video games only half as much as I thought I did, and alot of it came from a need to conform in with my friends. I found that I am against abortion for my own reasons, and not against gay civil marriages. (civil being the key word here.) I found that photography in any form is still a love of mine. I found that I hate cleaning, yet I hate being lazy, but projects scare the crap out of me. I found that I missed certain gospel principles and I went to church again for my own reasons. I found I like the Twilight Series, and things about supernatural creatures. I still love reading and music. And that I like writing.
I let my friends go be my friends without me. I let everything that seemed important to me slide by.
until I decided it was important again.
I talked to nathaniel about this. He was super excited about me going back to school, but he remarked that people don't sleep that much cause of stress, (I was sleeping 15 hours a day every day for 6 months.) They sleep that much when they're healing. And Heal I did.
And when I was done healing, I stopped sleeping.
And even though I was out of touch with my main group of friends for 6 months, I, with a little bit of work, have fit back into the group, and have sprung up several new groups as a I retake control of my social life. There's definitely still hiccups though.
But, the best advice I could give me or anyone else struggling with identity issues, codependency, or just seem lost, take some time for yourself. And not just an hour, separate yourself out of the lives of everyone around you. Don't be afraid that losing contact will destroy your friendships. Be alone, and be okay being alone. Assess your why's and how's. Be lazy and start from scratch. It took me 6 months to form an identity for myself, that has been missing for most of my life.
Not only have I found myself, but I still have myself. It hasn't changed even though I've reintroduced people back into my life.
Give yourself time to be yourself.
See, my personality is a floating cacophany of bits and pieces of everyone else. It was normal for me to form an opinion, then when someone was like: "How can you think that" I'd be like: "Oh sorry, I'll change that opinion" just so I didn't have to fear a loss of friendship because I shared something they didn't like.
It was one of the hardest things I had to learn. I wrapped myself up in a cocoon for 6 months when I didn't have a job. I disappeared from twitter for the most part, and was rarely seen outside my room. I escaped into video games and slept, and hung out with my imaginary world. I watched crap ton of movies and read lots of news articles. And I dropped out of church. I played with my cat. And I used every form of escape that existed.
And after a while I became an empty shell. It was an empty and lonely month when I was like this.
Because who are you, when there's no one around to tell you who to be? Yourself. That's how you find yourself.
And slowly, who I was without fearing for the judgement of others started to emerge. I found that I like video games only half as much as I thought I did, and alot of it came from a need to conform in with my friends. I found that I am against abortion for my own reasons, and not against gay civil marriages. (civil being the key word here.) I found that photography in any form is still a love of mine. I found that I hate cleaning, yet I hate being lazy, but projects scare the crap out of me. I found that I missed certain gospel principles and I went to church again for my own reasons. I found I like the Twilight Series, and things about supernatural creatures. I still love reading and music. And that I like writing.
I let my friends go be my friends without me. I let everything that seemed important to me slide by.
until I decided it was important again.
I talked to nathaniel about this. He was super excited about me going back to school, but he remarked that people don't sleep that much cause of stress, (I was sleeping 15 hours a day every day for 6 months.) They sleep that much when they're healing. And Heal I did.
And when I was done healing, I stopped sleeping.
And even though I was out of touch with my main group of friends for 6 months, I, with a little bit of work, have fit back into the group, and have sprung up several new groups as a I retake control of my social life. There's definitely still hiccups though.
But, the best advice I could give me or anyone else struggling with identity issues, codependency, or just seem lost, take some time for yourself. And not just an hour, separate yourself out of the lives of everyone around you. Don't be afraid that losing contact will destroy your friendships. Be alone, and be okay being alone. Assess your why's and how's. Be lazy and start from scratch. It took me 6 months to form an identity for myself, that has been missing for most of my life.
Not only have I found myself, but I still have myself. It hasn't changed even though I've reintroduced people back into my life.
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