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April-May of 2013, and my Brother in Law Kenny had just graduated in Chemical Engineering.  I went to his graduation on campus, and then walked ALL the way across campus to the Crabtree building where his Luncheon was.  The speed I was at, I was behind the rest of my siblings, yet in front of my parents pushing the wheelchair.  This gave me plenty of time to think. 

I remembered being on campus before, back as a freshman student and walking all over the place.  To be perfectly honest, I don't remember much, just like I don't remember much from high school, probably because of the medications I was on at the time.  

It hit me though. I was 25 years old and was never going to be one of those full time, wander around campus all day, find a homework spot, pretend I was at hogwarts moments ever again. Never.  The best I was going to be able to do, with my current standing was find a full time job and go to class part time, in the evenings. It was enough that I started to cry as I was walking. 

See previous to BYU, I had gotten my associates with a 3.69 gpa. 

THIS POST will come in handy to explain what I was doing and why.  

Anyways, what that post does not tell you was that I nearly failed all my classes I was in on the BYU side.  It was my first real experience in connecting with people and having serious friends.  I had friends in high school, but not anyone that I felt I connected with, no offense to everyone who tried to drag me out of the computer labs at lunch and make me be social.  

That being said, that's where the .69 gpa came from, the c minuses I got in my final 3 classes.  Everything else were A's. 

But once I moved out of the house, and was on my own, everything collapsed.  

What most people don't know is that I failed out of BYU. 3 semesters of crap, and I was gone.  Kaput.  .87 GPA at byu, but with my associates transfer, its like... 2.07.   Its very common for Borderlines to just die midsemester, for no discernable reason.  We start out strong, and its gone.  My final semester that I was there, I slept 18 hours a day for the last 2 months. 

Well, this is all prediagnosis. 

Fastforward. 

I'm having difficulty finding a job, and have forced myself into a mental dungeon. for almost 6 months, I didn't really see anyone.  I applied for jobs, didn't get hired and drowned myself in video games.  Its getting to the point where I've run out of money and am asking the parentals for help, and nothing is working.  I'd have to give up the skittle house. 

I was driving with Donny, who had inquired about what was going on, and I had explained my tears on campus the day before.  "i mean, its not like I could go to school anyway, I don't have money."  I had tried this route before.  I was okay, I guess, up until the point where my group of friends shattered, and my stuff was stolen, and i moved, and crap happened forcing me to withdraw from classes.  

But I again, had done all that Prediagnosis.  I met Nathaniel shortly after, I don't think I've ever put so plainly on the blog that if it wasn't for Nathaniel, (and Cory in an indirect way) I would never have gotten diagnosed.      and now that I was diagnosed, things were different.  

I made the off handed comment to Donny: "And its not like my parents would pay for school." ......  or would they?  They were paying for my 2 younger siblings, Thomas and Mikayla for Spring semester. Except, Thomas was going on a mission and was deffering spring.  Where was the school money going to go? 

Maybe.... MAYBE

I talked to my mother that night, I was electrified all through the activity ( which I just remembered as of 2 seconds ago was Kristen's going away to europe / Christopher is starting a beard party) that I marched right up to my mom, begging her to let me take a class spring so I was doing something productive.  

My attempts to get full time jobs kept failing that maybe I wasn't supposed to have a full time job, but a part time one instead. 

My log in still worked for BYU and it told me I had a Academic Standing hold on it.  We jumped on my bishop the next day at church for my ecclesiastical endorsement, and I called my landlord telling him I was moving out.  

After thinking about it over night, I decided against Spring Semester, and instead try and actually do a full time fall semester. which is good because it took 3 and a half weeks, and 9 appointments for me to become a student again.  

Not only am I a student, I have a graduation plan this time around and I've set up a couple things. 

First, I seem to have finally been able to dislodge full emotional attachments to the Squad.  This means that my overwhelming desire to be at every activity ever planned will not over take my classes, as these feelings have done in the past. My priority was always my friends.  Which I guess was me protecting the feeling of getting left out which is a form of Rejection, intentional or not. 

Second, I'm living with my parents.  I have forgone any attempt to try and 'get back out of the house'.  I need my homework nazi mother, at least for a semester or 2.  And I need the money.  As of right now, I will be able to pay for ALL of my school, PAX and anything else all by myself, with this part time that went full time job.  

Not only that but there's a possible opportunity to work a job on campus that would complete this little puzzle I have. 

Third, Xander is in one of my classes, and possibly donny as well.  This will combat the sudden desire not to go to class that I'm sure will happen half way through the semester. 

So, that's where my life stands.... currently counting down the days when my life changes and I get to be that student that pretends they're at hogwarts.   With a goal in mind. 

Thank you to everyone who helped with encouragement, and made it possible to do this.