[Interpreters]

“The point is, the brain talks to itself, and by talking to itself changes its perceptions. To make a new version of the not-entirely-false model, imagine the first interpreter as a foreign correspondent, reporting from the world. The world in this case means everything out- or inside our bodies, including serotonin levels in the brain. The second interpreter is a news analyst, who writes op-ed pieces. They read each other's work. One needs data, the other needs an overview; they influence each other. They get dialogues going.

INTERPRETER ONE: Pain in the left foot, back of heel.
INTERPRETER TWO: I believe that's because the shoe is too tight.
INTERPRETER ONE: Checked that. Took off the shoe. Foot still hurts.
INTERPRETER TWO: Did you look at it?
INTERPRETER ONE: Looking. It's red.
INTERPRETER TWO: No blood?
INTERPRETER ONE: Nope.
INTERPRETER TWO: Forget about it.
INTERPRETER ONE: Okay.

Mental illness seems to be a communication problem between interpreters one and two.

An exemplary piece of confusion.

INTERPRETER ONE: There's a tiger in the corner.
INTERPRETER TWO: No, that's not a tiger- that's a bureau.
INTERPRETER ONE: It's a tiger, it's a tiger!
INTERPRETER TWO: Don't be ridiculous. Let's go look at it.

Then all the dendrites and neurons and serotonin levels and interpreters collect themselves and trot over to the corner.
If you are not crazy, the second interpreter's assertion, that this is a bureau, will be acceptable to the first interpreter. If you are crazy, the first interpreter's viewpoint, the tiger theory, will prevail. 
The trouble here is that the first interpreter actually sees a tiger. The messages sent between neurons are incorrect somehow. The chemicals triggered are the wrong chemicals, or the impulses are going to the wrong connections. Apparently, this happens often, but the second interpreter jumps in to straighten things out.” 
― Susanna Kaysen, Girl, Interrupted

Basically something happens between my senses and intuition and what my brain actually understands.

Interpreter one: Oh look, no one is online.  They must be busy.
Interpreter two: OMG. THEY'RE AVOIDING ME. They must all hate me.
Interpreter one:  No, no.  They're busy, and will be on later.
Interpreter two: No! I can't bear the pain that might happen if they are avoiding me. I need to go talk to them and demand an answer.

And this... is what causes the majority of my problems.

How do you know you're in pain, or not in pain, unless everything in your head is all screwed up?

"“I was trying to explain my situation to myself. My situation was that I was in pain and nobody knew it, even I had trouble knowing it. So I told myself, over and over, You are in pain. It was the only way I could get through to myself. I was demonstrating externally and irrefutably an inward condition.” ― Susanna Kaysen, Girl, Interrupted"

This "Girl, Interrupted" is a book written about a Borderline, that was later made into a movie.

"The work shows that brain regions that process negative emotions (for example, anger and sadness) are overactive in people with BPD, while brain regions that would normally help damp down negative emotions are underactive.
On the one hand, a brain area called the insula - which helps determine how intensely we experience negative emotions - is hyperactive in people with BPD. On the other hand, regions in the frontal part of the brain - which are thought to help us control our emotional reactions - are underactive.
"It's not just that they have too much drive from their emotions," Ruocco says. "They seem to have less of the 'brakes' to try to curb those emotions and to help regulate their intensity." Link

The last thing I want to share -

Brain abnormalities

[edit]Hippocampus

The hippocampus is smaller in people with BPD. This trait is shared by individuals with post-traumatic stress disorder. However, only in BPD are both the hippocampus and theamygdala smaller.^[72]

[edit]Amygdala

The amygdala is smaller and more active in people with BPD.^[72] Decreased amygdala volume has also been found in people with obsessive-compulsive disorder.^[73] One study has found unusually strong activity in the left amygdalas of people with BPD when they experience and view displays of negative emotions.^[74] As the amygdala is a major structure involved in generating negative emotions, this might explain the unusual strength and longevity of fear, sadness, anger, and shame experienced by people with BPD, as well as their heightened sensitivity to displays of these emotions in others.^[72]

[edit]Prefrontal cortex

The prefrontal cortex is less active in people with BPD, especially when recalling memories of abandonment.^[75] This relative inactivity occurs in the right anterior cingulate (areas 24and 32).^[75] Given its role in regulating emotional arousal, the relative inactivity of the prefrontal cortex might explain the difficulties people with BPD experience in regulating their emotions and responses to stress.^[76]

[edit]Hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis

The hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis (HPA axis) regulates cortisol production, which is released in response to stress. Cortisol production is elevated in people with BPD, indicating a hyperactive HPA axis in these individuals.^[77] This causes them to experience a greater biological stress response, which might explain their greater vulnerability toirritability.^[78] Since traumatic events can increase cortisol production and HPA axis activity, the unusual activity in the HPA axis of people with BPD may be related to the traumatic childhood and maturational events that correlate with this condition.^[78] Conversely, by heightening their sensitivity to stressful events, increased cortisol production may predispose those with BPD to experience stressful childhood and maturational events as traumatic.

Increased cortisol production is also associated with suicidal behavior.^[79] Link

TL;DR:  I have the mind of someone with PTSD (which I definitely have now), My left amygdala is overactive generating negative emotions and strong, long periods of fear, sadness, anger and shame.  I also have extreme sensitivity when other people feel that way as well.   Aaaaand I produce more Cortisol, which means more stress and less ability to cope with it.


This is why I still go through a nightmare every day.  Even though everyone asks: Why can't you just be normal?  Why do you have to be so dramatic?  Why can't you let it go?  Why do you still hold on to things that have long since past? Why do you care what others think? Why do we have to talk about this? Why do you blow things out of proportion?


>_<