Let's make things clear.
I am dramatic. I am manipulative.
I don't want to be.
But years and years of emotional invalidation have made my reactions instinctual and reflexive. What's easy for you is difficult and terrifying for me. Just because I don't use your advice doesn't mean I'm not listening .. I might just be too afraid to do it. Or its too hard to do at the time. I'm becoming mindful and I've made *lots* of progress in the last 6 months since my diagnosis.
When I was younger, I started receiving panic attacks in 3rd grade. The wake up screaming in the middle of the night... or throw my plate and run screaming from the table type. These were freaky... and I recognize what they are now.... I thought I was dying when I was younger.
My parents told me that it was the holy ghost telling me I was doing something wrong. But I had the attacks daily.... and as much as I tried to be the "perfect" child... something was still wrong. Something was always wrong. I was never "good enough" for the holy ghost for a year.
My internal psyche and judgement system is gone.
But I'm still manipulative and I'm still dramatic. And I'm going to keep doing so. I have safe places. Cory was one of them. The squad is one of them. Socorro is another. If they come up... I'm not "relying" or "depending" or even "obsessed"
I'm just surviving.
What's easy for you... is scary and horrifying for me. I don't break away easy. And I don't have control during panic attacks.
My last post happened right before jillian found me and pushed me into a bathroom and hyper ventilated. I actually tried to melt into the wall and I think i even tried to hit her.
Every anxiety attack still rings that *I* did something wrong.
Getting through my day is difficult.
Please stop auto assuming because you can do it.... I can do. I can't.... not yet.
But I will soon. I appreciate a lack of exasperation...
But! I am grateful for the feedback and advice... it is being remembered.. it is being assessed and it'd helping with the decisions I make. You have been through similar situations and I'm grateful to the advice.
Keep it coming.
Thanks.
I can't help but feel that a lot of things in your posts are directed towards your parents - pointing out their mistakes... which is fine so long as you remember that they didn't understand what was going on either AND they love you AND they never tried to manipulate or hurt you. Simply recognize that no one is perfect, especially parents.
ReplyDeleteYou mentioned feedback is welcome and I would LOVE to see a post about how much your parents and family have tried and ARE trying to help you. You talk about your friends all the time but you never mention family - except for our failures or inadequacies.
We love you and want you to succeed MORE than your friends - simply because as family there is no one else capable of having that desire as strongly as we do (besides Your Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ). We pray for you daily, we do research on borderline so that if something comes up we can help... know that we are trying.
Please don't get me wrong, I enjoy your posts and they have gotten MUCH better as far as throwing blame around - which I appreciate immensely. I just know how much mom and dad are trying and I wish they could be recognized ... that's all.
ReplyDeleteYou're right.
ReplyDeleteBut... mom still to not believe there is even.a.psychological disorder. And whether they meant to or not they still contributed to my current state... what happened happened... and I state it as observational fact and to help people understand
There is a blame post. And I do partially blame them still... but that post will never be made public.
you bash on your family who is trying to help.
ReplyDeleteyou look for comfort from people who dont want to associate with you.
you cling to compliments and affirmation from people who hardly see you.
you reject blunt truths which are based on things you say yourself.
you run looking for new people who dont know you to accept you.
you complain about the people you've already spent time with.
does anybody else see the problem here?
Yeah. I do.
ReplyDeleteThe problem is called borderline personality disorder with a side of histrionic. Thank you for pointing out the obvious. And I thank you for bulleting the problems for me. It makes it easier to assess and make goals. My blog is my personal journal where I lay down my thoughts to assess the patterns in my head and look for solutions.
And you my friend bash on people in an anonymous fashion to try and make yourself feel better about any kind of neurotic thing you have going on in your head. If you don't have anything to say to assist with this then get the hell off my blog.
In fact there hasn't been a single bashing moment about my family on here. Just that they've been catalyst to my current state. Your second bullet isn't true. I'm not sure who the people in your third bullet are referring to. Your fourth.... not sure what to say.... I am shy so... no, your 5th isn't true...
ReplyDeleteAnd 6.... I haven't complained once except for "feelings"
Your comments are seriously over exaggerated by the way. You might want to look into your wiring? Somethings a little faulty in there.
Hey mind if we grab our copy of Dark Knight from you?
ReplyDeleteWell, I don't know who anonymous is, but if say some random person read your blog journal through...I suspect they could come up with a similar response.
ReplyDeleteYou talk on facebook about "so this is how a normal mind feels like", so I suspect you found a way around yourself into the light (of yourself), avoiding shadows/distorted reflections of yourself.
ReplyDeleteI remember a girl named Laura a few years back. She was cool, liked to show off her abilities, and surprisingly, while she had few friends, she was optimistic. This might have been before choosing a certain guy that did her harm. But, whenever I saw her, she appeared quite happy, and looked physically healthy.
When I first met you I would say you were hyper, needy, didn't stop to read people's reactions, and frequently disobeyed common courtesy or lacked social tact. I wouldn't character it the way you do...but maybe it's gotten worse since then...what do I know. There are a lot of different people in the world and all crazy in some way. Just listen to Dr. Laura Schlesinger to see that. I think you think that giving your problems a name and getting people to validate that You Are Borderline will redeem you and make your life make sense. It won't. The world is crazy and we're all a little crazy in it. Some people have crappy childhoods or crappy experiences and there isn't some grand reason for it. The best thing to do is focus on the future. Your parents did the wrong thing, your church lowered your self esteem, and you had a manipulative boyfriend. Great. Now you know what negative influences to avoid in the future.
ReplyDeleteActually, I've seen turning to God and the gospel as effective ways to turn her aside from hitting the ditch and do better. What happens after that...is kind of up to her. In the loneliest hour of our existence, some turn completely to God. What is done after that period is our deciision.
DeleteWhen she avoid God and the gospel of Christ, life appeared to be an unending hell for her.
DeleteEven with God, life appears as an unending hell. Not til I die and am perfected will it stop
DeleteIt wasn't that my church failed me.....my church has never failed me.
ReplyDeleteI was going off an untrue assumption of something my parents didn't understand.
Unending hell mixed with bits of heaven and joy...like dark chocolate and milk chocolate mixed together, or sweet and sour with rice. Then you eat more yummy stuff.
ReplyDelete