A shadow
I'm finding that I tell random strangers personal borderline secrets. I don't know them, or haven't known them long. And I don't start at the outside and work in of myself, I'm throwing my fears and my pain out quickly.
And I think I do it, because I hope that 1 out of the hundreds of people I walk past on a daily basis might say, "Hey, I do that too." Or "hey, I actually understand what that's like"
Or even Hey.
You're the one I've been looking for.
Maybe one of them will be Borderline too.
And I think I do it, because I hope that 1 out of the hundreds of people I walk past on a daily basis might say, "Hey, I do that too." Or "hey, I actually understand what that's like"
Or even Hey.
You're the one I've been looking for.
Maybe one of them will be Borderline too.
2 thoughts :
I'll be upfront, for two reasons. One, to not seem like a creep that randomly comments on stuff, and two, to be honest.
Your blog is quite the interesting one, and gave me that much of a closer look into something I had already encountered with my previous girlfriend. I crushed on her hard, and no matter what, she was perfect in my eyes. I tried everything I could to keep her, but I only recently came to terms with the fact that there is no possible way it can work. At all.
Because of these interactions I have had with her, I look at lots of your posts and say, hmm, that makes sense, or at least is very similar to something I am quite familiar with. Anyway, not sure if this is sounding dragged out or not, or perhaps even more creepy, but I figured I'd let you know why one of your blog lurkers finds your posts that detail some of the struggles you go through to be interesting journeys into how your mind works.
I apologize in advance for the length of this comment. It's been a long time coming.
I have known of you since I was 13. Someone hated me because we share a name, and I came to resent you for it. Later I was close with another person who disliked you, deepening the divide.
I don't think it was right, it just is what it is.
A year ago I read a few posts on this blog and thought to myself, "This might have been me if I'd been good." If I had obeyed my parents, my church, my elders, whatever. I coveted your life. I thought that if I had done everything "right" I could have been a more interesting and (I perceived) happy person, like you.
But I didn't. I started skipping church when I was 6. I proclaimed myself an atheist at 14, reconverted at 15 1/2 (while on antidepressants) and "returned" to atheism at 17 (off the antidepressants). I made mistakes with boys and ultimately found myself pregnant with a good man at the ripe old age of 20.
I'm now a mother of two children and wife to their amazing father--and while I've had moments of regretting my choices and their consequences, at some point I relaxed enough to actually enjoy my life. It was no longer a go-do-experience-get-have-keep kind of life, which was so exhausting. All those years of searching for happiness, and it landed in my lap where I just needed to take the time to appreciate it.
I relate to a lot of the feelings and scenarios you describe--panic attacks, depression, feelings of abandonment and severe anxiety in particular. I used to hunt for a reason I felt all these negative and impairing feelings, but never came to a conclusion. Having a diagnosis to focus on seems to help you, but I hope you won't be so wrapped up in it that you forget to actually live.
This might come off sounding self righteous, but I hope it doesn't. After nearly 3 years of parenting and being married, something I know for certain is that many of my problems as a single adult stemmed from worrying only about myself--my happiness, my feelings, my needs and wants and worries. Learning to put someone else first (as any mother must, and any wife should) is what has resulted in a content and happy life.
We are told that we must figure out how to love ourselves, then find someone to share that love with, and perhaps that works for some. I couldn't love myself though. I couldn't see the good in myself until I finally forced myself into the position of needing to BE good and loving.
This isn't an accusation of selfishness or lack of kindness--just food for thought. Sometimes the best things in life are the things we do by accident, even things that are foolish. A lot of my good fortune came by luck. All the more reason to treasure it.
I don't remember exactly how I found my way to this blog--something on facebook reminded me, I guess. You have friends that are friends with my younger sister. I'm leaving this anonymous for a number of reasons, but I think in another time we might have been friends.
I'm including a link. This site might help you understand your own psyche. It's brutally honest but finally connected all the dots for me--why I dated whom I dated, why I left, why I never found long term happiness until I became a wife and mother, etc. I hope you'll at least read the one post with an open mind. It's contrary to much we are taught by "the world" these days, so to speak. I'm still an atheist, but I think the LDS church has a lot of things right, especially the things that "feminist mormon housewives" object to.
http://dalrock.wordpress.com/2011/09/28/rejoice-in-the-wife-of-your-youth/
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