[A Message]
Sometimes I wonder if my changes are being noticed. Like who I am compared to who I was.
I guess I hope deep down, that if some of the people who have rejected and abandoned me in the past, if they were to see me, could they intuitively know how much work I've put into learning and changing? How much punishment I have put myself through for hurting them.
Sometimes I can tell my friends have noticed. Like, they expect something from me, an unhealthy behavior, that I don't do anymore, and it surprises them.
I received this from a friend today.
I waltz?
"Your life is as normal and base as any of the rest of us (patience, its a compliment I swear, let me get to it) yet you waltz through each day with a pride, with enjoyment like I have rarely seen. You live and do just as a common woman. Yet you laugh at the storms and dance in the rain, no matter how drenching."
aaaaand, I lost where I was going with this.
I do an identity check every 3 weeks. As you can see in my last post I worked really hard to bring my identity back to the surface. And I have made it a point to resist everything that changes it. But because my chameleon is so subtle, I've set up a specific time where I can check a list that I made containing 'me' and check if I still think/act that way.
During the last 5 years, I wouldn't have believed I have this kind of strength in me. I can see it, feel it. Almost the same way I might be able to feel pewter if I was a Mistborn, forgive the nerd reference.
Watch me hold on to this.
I guess I hope deep down, that if some of the people who have rejected and abandoned me in the past, if they were to see me, could they intuitively know how much work I've put into learning and changing? How much punishment I have put myself through for hurting them.
Sometimes I can tell my friends have noticed. Like, they expect something from me, an unhealthy behavior, that I don't do anymore, and it surprises them.
I received this from a friend today.
Forgive this odd and unsolicited intrusion into your life,
Hopefully I can manage to do this and convey a sense of sincerity and not cross that thin line of being creepy. Instead of 'creepy' per-say, I'd like you think of me as dramatic... Or theatrical. Sometimes I am blessed with encountering a particularly beautiful piece of humanity, and I always try and take advantage of the situation. So few people actually stop and appreciate the joy of their surrounding fellow people. And that abnormal trait sometimes is classified as odd... So please forgive my weirdness, but please listen anyway.
Anyway...
I barely know you, this is true. We've never met, barely spoken, and only interacted a handful of times. The glimpses of your life I have seen are only through the tides of the internet as random pictures or events wash up on my shore from your distant lands.
Regardless of the limited view, I feel I simply must tell you that I have rarely seen someone so beautiful. The sparks and flashes of your life I have seen streak across my night sky like falling stars and illuminate the ground for the barest of seconds, but the after-image burns into my brain from its brightness. And I'm not simply talking the joy any man can take at seeing your smiling face pop into view, I can't disregard it, but it's only a small piece of you.
Sure, I can fall into the archetypal poet and praise you for the curve of your neck, the radiance of your eyes or the elegance of the rest of your body... But that is so... Surface. Of course it's the truth, but only a sliver of it.
I see these glimpses of you scattered across the winds of social media and I get a sense of far more than what my eyes can see. Your struggles, your joys, your life, distilled down to its most important essence.
The way you interact with your family, your friends, even yourself has projected this overwhelming feeling of loveliness. In every aspect of the word. You smile, you laugh, you get excited about obscure linux code. You get tired, you falter, you fight with your own sense of mind. Your life is as normal and base as any of the rest of us (patience, its a compliment I swear, let me get to it) yet you waltz through each day with a pride, with enjoyment like I have rarely seen. You live and do just as a common woman. Yet you laugh at the storms and dance in the rain, no matter how drenching.
Forgive me, I ramble sometimes. And I'm not trying to flatter you in anyway, my compliments hold the sincerity of my soul and are not the simple blandishments of ingratiating men. I simply...
I enjoy who you are. As limited exposure as I have to you, I revel in your life.
You are a beacon of life, and you are beautiful. Just... Just know that.
"Your life is as normal and base as any of the rest of us (patience, its a compliment I swear, let me get to it) yet you waltz through each day with a pride, with enjoyment like I have rarely seen. You live and do just as a common woman. Yet you laugh at the storms and dance in the rain, no matter how drenching."
aaaaand, I lost where I was going with this.
I do an identity check every 3 weeks. As you can see in my last post I worked really hard to bring my identity back to the surface. And I have made it a point to resist everything that changes it. But because my chameleon is so subtle, I've set up a specific time where I can check a list that I made containing 'me' and check if I still think/act that way.
During the last 5 years, I wouldn't have believed I have this kind of strength in me. I can see it, feel it. Almost the same way I might be able to feel pewter if I was a Mistborn, forgive the nerd reference.
Watch me hold on to this.
1 thoughts :
I notice your growth, and I am very proud of you. I tell my friends about you, how much you've changed and improved since I met you. You are inspiring.
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