Secret agendas
Guys. As I'm starting to assess every thought.... I'm finding there's a secret subconscious agenda behind every one of them. Either it puts me in the spotlight. It manipulates someone. It tries to gain approval. Nothing I do is genuine. None of my reasons are genuine.
I'm avoiding my main group today for this reason....I don't want to manipulate them into giving me empathy or what else I need. I need to do it myself and i need alpt of it after last night. But there is a possibility that am I avoiding them to make a point or see if they miss me? Or subconsciously do I know I'll get attention when they realize I'm not there?
My brain. I hates it. I hate it so much. So much patchwork has happened over the years. What might it be like to have a normal brain? What does genuinity feel like. What does living without worry or fear of everyone else feel like? What does it feel like to know who I am and love me?
What if what I thought was love was just the histrionic part of myself getting full filled through attention seeking?
3 thoughts :
or are you writing this so they read it and then come give you attention in case they dont realize you arent there?
this analysis is good, but now what will you do with it?
The only person who would read it is natalia and I've already told her what's happening. I don't know what to do with it. I do know I hate myself for it. All I can do is source out where the processes are coming from and hate myself for it.
I only know certain ways to relieve and soothe myself. I allow myself certain leeways at the moment. Recognizing it is my baby step. I don't have a clue how to stop them.
I don't have a clue how to break free? The processes are so subconsciously deep. I don't know if I even can break free. Even as we speak I am having an anxiety attack because my friend isn't looking at me. I know he's not grey. I see the processes. I'm.still trapped.
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