[Abandonment]

"Please tell me that this will be over soon, that there's a reason for it"
"Please know that your Father in Heaven has very important plans for you.  And you're going to need everything you can muster, both physical and spiritual"

This happened during a blessing last night. (We are talking about a Priesthood Blessing given for counsel and comfort, done in the LDS church)   John was awesome enough to come over after midnight.  Last night I suffered not a rejection but an abandonment.  Not a break up "I don't prefer you" abandonment, but one that said "I reject your very being."

I didn't even get very far into the text that I received with "we can't be friends" somewhere in there before an emotional nuke went off in my head. Had I kept reading, I would have seen, "I'll talk to you in a month" Things escalated pretty badly after that, from yelling at Natalia for no reason, to demanding an explanation.  A situation called "a Cory" is how I refer to it was occurring, and I wasn't going to live through another one.

I wasn't even mean, I just wanted to know why, and it got to the point as he walked away from me and got into his car that my voice faltered, and in a whisper, I said: "Please, don't leave me.. I can't..... "  And then became practically catatonic with tears, trapped in my own head.  And then I started begging.  I was begging anyone, to fix it, Natalia, Donny, Garret.  To make him come back and tell me why.

I wanted to die.

And I will never be able to convey how much pain and fear and hurt I had and I couldn't ignore it.  I would rather break bones and have kidney stones again and again than experience what I had experienced last night.

And all my repressed memories from last year, when my best friend, and only other person who seemed to magically understand me, even when *I* didn't, walked away from the same problem, came flooding back.  They have been all week.

Shortly after my break up with Cory, I had a blessing.  In it was the line of:

"You are going through this for the reason that someone else will go through what you did, and you will help them" 

At the time, that pissed me off.  What a DUMB reason to have my heart broken.  We are going off the idea that my Borderline manifested itself near the end and during my break up.  I wanted to marry this boy.  Every so often, I admit I look back at what we were and wonder what we could have been if the Borderline hadn't gotten in the way, hadn't been a catalyst to us falling apart.

A little while later, I made assumptions that maybe my daughter was going to go through a breakup some day.  When Jessie and Melissa (my sisters) got engaged, I was even more enraged.  While I wasn't wishing my massive uncontrollable heartbreak on them, the general selfish idea I had was "HOW *DARE* they be able to marry practically the FIRST person they came across.  Why Did I need this break up?!"  Selfish I know.

When Natalia and I became friends (I should write that story up) And then She and Cory broke up, (Yes, for those that don't know, my future roommate, @crazylady4life on twitter is my BIG ex's girlfriend after me.  )  And it was like, HEY! Here's the person I have to help, who is going through the same thing I did.

Again, assuming something incorrect.

Guys, I'm a Borderline.  A pretty self aware Borderline if I do say so.

"You [became borderline] for the reason that someone else will [become borderline] and you will help them."

That seems like a better reason than helping someone else through a break up.

But last night I didn't care.  I.wanted.to.die.  Whatever I thought was Borderline, wasn't borderline until I had my old wound ripped open, a flow of PTSD and nothing to staunch the bleeding.

aaaand this is yet another post of me losing my sense of direction of where I wanted to go with this.  Maybe just to point out there's a reason for everything?

Somewhere in this post, I wanted to mention that I'm working with my doctor to get in with the University of Utah for Borderline Research.  I've never really had a passion before.  My passions wax and wane with whomever I'm with.  But I'm passionate about my Borderline as much as I hate it.   I want others to understand it.  Just by understanding it, your eyes are opened to a whole new dimension about how people live and how to understand others.

Last night I was a pitiful ball of weeping that threw a fit and wanted to hit people.   And it wasn't anger, it was pain. Uncontrollable pain, burning me from the inside out.

"I hate you, please don't leave me"  That's our mantra.

But... there's a reason for all of this.  I'm important.  I will be important to others.  That's enough to keep me going, even after last night.